William Shakespeare's The Empire Striketh Back Read online

  Such vast, deep holes in ev’ry structure next

  To well-worn paths. Could not a person, by

  Some simple misstep, fall most easily

  Down one of these great chasms? So wherefore place

  Such hazards into ev’ry structure built?

  GUARD 1

  I see your reasoning, but shall rebut:

  The Empire is the greatest strength e’er known, ’Tis true?

  GUARD 2

  —Of course. I’d not say otherwise.

  GUARD 1

  And any great thing—person, beast, or realm—

  Doth put its greatness on display, agreed?

  GUARD 2

  ’Tis natural, I’ll warrant. Pray, say on.

  GUARD 1

  I posit that the Empire doth command

  That structures have these chasms immense because

  It is through their immensity that our

  Great Empire’s strength is shown. And since they are

  Vast holes that deadly are, should one fall in,

  They send a message strong and clear to all:

  The Empire is a proud and mighty pow’r

  And doth not fear sure death, but laughs at it.

  I’ faith, we are so full of life that we

  Walk by our certain passing daily—it

  Is but quotidian for us—and yet

  We have no fear.

  GUARD 2

  —Thy point is clearly made.

  But still, I think it strange that this is true:

  A structure is not whole till it hath holes.

  Such things lie far beyond my understanding,

  Yet do I trust there is a master plan.

  GUARD 1

  Shall we to supper, friend?

  GUARD 2

  —Forsooth, lead on!

  [Exeunt Guards 1 and 2.

  Enter LANDO.

  LANDO

  O what is this dire sound I just have heard?

  My friend Han Solo screaming in great pain,

  The shrieks of man turn’d victim through my fault—

  My quick decision to protect myself.

  Yet what choice had I? Could I else have done?

  No person in my place would diff’rently

  Behave. No choice had I but one: to save

  Myself, my interests, and my belov’d

  Cloud City from a dark and awful fate.

  Yet ever shall my soul be haunted by

  These dismal howls of my old friend, unless

  I can find some way to make recompense.

  But how shall that e’er be whilst Vader’s threats

  Do cast their shadows o’er my ev’ry move?

  I know not how, but yet it must be so.

  I shall—belike with loyal Lobot’s help—

  Discover yet a way to make this right,

  And save myself from a betrayer’s name!

  Enter LOBOT, DARTH VADER, and BOBA FETT.

  VADER

  [to Boba Fett:] Thou mayst take Captain Solo and transport

  Him unto Jabba once Skywalker has

  Arriv’d and captur’d been. Say, is this clear?

  FETT

  ’Tis, my Lord. But Solo is no good to me, should

  he be dead upon delivery. He hath been tortur’d

  severely in this last hour. ’Tis well, but I prithee do

  not kill the man ere I deliver him to Jabba.

  VADER

  No harm beyond undoing shall he bear.

  LANDO

  Lord Vader, do I comprehend this fully—

  Thou shalt surrender Han unto this man,

  This bounty hunter here? So what is next?

  I prithee, tell me: what shall happen to

  Both Leia and the Wookiee?

  VADER

  —Never shall

  They leave this city.

  LANDO

  —This doth push the bounds

  Too far! Imprisonment was never a

  Condition of the bargain we did make,

  And ’twas not in the plan to hand o’er Han

  Unto this bounty hunter!

  VADER

  —Mayhap thou

  Dost think thou hast unfairly treated been?

  LANDO

  [aside:] A threat is in his voice and aspect. [To Vader:]

  Nay,

  For I shall model flexibility.

  VADER

  ’Tis well. ’Twould be a pity should I feel

  It necessary to retain a full

  And armor’d garrison in Bespin. [To Boba Fett:] Come!

  [Exeunt Darth Vader and Boba Fett.

  LANDO

  He orders what he will sans sense or rhyme—

  This deal is worse becoming all the time!

  LOBOT

  . . .

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 5.

  Bespin, the cloud city.

  Enter CHEWBACCA, with C-3PO’s parts.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh.

  C-3PO

  [being reconnected:]—Stormtroopers? In Bespin? I am shot!

  [Chewbacca disconnects C-3PO and tries to reconnect him again.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh!

  C-3PO

  —O, ’tis better! That is quite improv’d.

  But hold, for something is not right: my eyes—

  I cannot see.

  [Chewbacca adjusts C-3PO.

  Now that is mended, aye.

  Yet wait, I now am backward—head is back

  And front’s reverse and all has gone awry!

  Is this a Wookiee’s notion of a joke?

  Thou stupid, senseless beast!

  CHEWBAC.

  [laughing:] —Gihut, gihut!

  C-3PO

  Thou furball wretched! Mophead ignorant!

  [Chewbacca switches off C-3PO.

  Enter HAN SOLO, carried by STORMTROOPERS, who drop him and exit.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh, auugh!

  HAN

  —O, Chewie, I’m in agony—

  My ev’ry bone and sinew cries with pain.

  Enter PRINCESS LEIA.

  LEIA

  What have they done to you, my noble man?

  And what can be their purpose, dost thou know?

  HAN

  ’Twas torture unlike any I have known,

  For never any questions did they ask.

  Instead, with silent mouths and darting eyes

  They fix’d me solidly unto a seat

  And lower’d me unto a mechanism.

  At first ’twas like a searing heat that rac’d

  From skin to bone and back again. Then sparks

  Flew out, upon my chest and neck and face,

  Such fire as though a hundred blasters spread

  Their shots across my body or, perhaps,

  As though a million tiny lightsabers

  Did prick and dance their way about my skin.

  All this they did, but ne’er made inquiry,

  Ne’er ask’d me whence we came or where we go,

  Ne’er ask’d about the rebels’ rendezvous.

  No information they did seek to know,

  It only seem’d they wish’d to bring me pain.

  I tell thee, ’twas far worse and terrible

  Than if they had sought answers from my blood.

  But this demented evil shakes my soul,

  For wherefore torture without questioning?

  Enter LANDO, with GUARDS.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh, egh, auugh!

  HAN

  —Get thee hence now, Lando.

  LANDO

  —Tut!

  Attend my voice, for this ye both should hear:

  Darth Vader hath giv’n word that he will turn

  Both Leia and Chewbacca o’er to me.

  HAN

  What dost thou mean by “o’er to me”? Thou knave!

  I would not turn a rival o’er to thee,

  Much less the ones
belovèd by my heart.

  LANDO

  They must stay here, but will, at least, be safe.

  ’Twas not my choice—I have no say in this.

  ’Tis Vader who doth pull the strings, and we

  Are but the puppets with which he doth play.

  LEIA

  And what of Han?

  LANDO

  —Darth Vader shall give him

  O’er to the bounty hunter.

  LEIA

  —Vader doth

  Desire that all of us are dead.

  LANDO

  —He wants

  You not at all. He searches for someone

  Called Skywalker.

  HAN

  —Aye, Luke—thou meanest Luke!

  LANDO

  Lord Vader set a trap for him to fall.

  LEIA

  And we are but the bait by which he’s caught.

  LANDO

  The trap shall soon be sprung, for Skywalker

  Is on his way, e’en now.

  HAN

  —This villainy

  Thou hast arrang’d is all too perfect. Fie!

  [Han Solo strikes Lando but is quickly restrained by guards.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  LANDO

  —Cease! I have done all that I may do.

  For certain I am sorry I could not

  Do better yet than this, but I do have

  Enough vexations here.

  HAN

  —O, thou great man!

  Thou art a hero, and thy tale shall e’er

  Upon the lips of lesser folk be told.

  Throughout all history it shall be writ:

  “Behold, great Lando of Calrissian,

  A man who ever serv’d his comrades well.”

  LANDO

  [aside:] This stings my soul, yet no more can I do

  Than hold my head up high, and plan what’s next.

  [Exeunt Lando and guards.

  LEIA

  My soldier, O my heart, thy fire doth blaze!

  Thy skill with others ne’er doth cease t’amaze.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 1.

  Bespin, the cloud city.

  Enter UGNAUGHTS 1, 2, and 3, singing.

  UGN. 3

  The time is ripe!

  UGN. 1

  His time is nigh!

  UGN. 2

  And soon he will be frozen!

  UGN. 1

  We’ve never done—

  UGN. 2

  This on a man—

  UGN. 3

  But someone’s now been chosen!

  UGN. 2

  A merry prank!

  UGN. 3

  O shall it work?

  UGN. 1

  Or will the man be dying?

  UGN. 3

  What’er befall—

  UGN. 1

  One thing is sure—

  UGN. 2

  The pleasure’s in the trying!

  [Exeunt Ugnaughts.

  Enter LANDO, LOBOT, DARTH VADER, and BOBA FETT.

  VADER

  A perfect touch this is, to freeze Skywalker.

  The plan is perfect—he who hath destroy’d

  The Death Star shall be packag’d as a gift.

  But now, let us inspect the details. Aye,

  This crude contraption should be adequate

  To put this vexing Skywalker on ice

  Ere his deliv’ry to the Emperor.

  Enter IMPERIAL SOLDIER.

  SOLDIER

  Lord Vader—there’s a ship that doth approach,

  An X-wing class.

  VADER

  —’Tis well. Watch Skywalker,

  Allow his landing, let him hither come.

  [Exit Imperial soldier.

  LANDO

  Lord Vader, this facility has ne’er

  Been us’d for humans, only carbon freezing.

  If thou dost put him in this vast machine

  It may not freeze him, but may mean his death.

  VADER

  This is a point that I consider’d not.

  It seems, Calrissian, that thou dost learn

  To be obedient unto thy Lord.

  ’Tis well, and it is in thine interest.

  I do not wish him harm’d; the Emperor

  Shall not enjoy a damag’d prize. So shall

  Another stand for him to be a test—

  We shall make Captain Solo undergo

  The freezing process first, to test its pow’r.

  FETT

  My Lord, although his death would bring me

  joy, it doth not pay. Jabba, like thine Emperor,

  giveth no fees for damag’d goods. I prithee,

  what shall happen if the man doth die? What

  then, for Boba Fett?

  VADER

  Fear not, thy hunt shall have its bounty still.

  Thou shalt be compensated if he dies.

  Enter HAN SOLO, CHEWBACCA, PRINCESS LEIA, and C-3PO (attached to Chewbacca’s back), all guarded.

  C-3PO

  [to Chewbacca:] I almost fully am restor’d to my

  Old self, except thy work is not complete.

  If thou had but attach’d my legs, I would

  Not yet remain in this position rare!

  I prithee, good Chewbacca, do recall

  That I am thy responsibility—

  Do not in any instance foolish be!

  HAN

  [to Lando:] Pray tell, O dearest friend, what is at hand?

  LANDO

  Thou shalt be plac’d in total carbon freeze.

  HAN

  [aside:] The news of my grim fate doth chill my blood.

  O, how I once thought Hoth was cold and bleak,

  Yet now I pine for all its balmy plains.

  VADER

  Now, put him in!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  [Chewbacca fights guards and slays three of them.

  HAN

  —Chewie, stop, I pray!

  C-3PO

  Alas, yes, stop! I am not set to die!

  HAN

  This cannot help me, brave Chewbacca, nay.

  I prithee, save thy strength to fight again.

  Attend me now: the princess—thou must be

  Her strength, her stay, her guard, her confidence:

  These things that I no longer can bestow.

  LEIA

  O, I do love thee wholly, Han.

  HAN

  —I know.

  [Han is placed into the machine and emerges in a frozen block.

  C-3PO

  Pray, turn around, Chewbacca, let me see.

  O, he in carbonite hath been encas’d—

  He should be well protected, if he hath

  Surviv’d the freezing process.

  VADER

  —Make report,

  Calrissian, is he alive?

  LANDO

  —He is,

  And rests in perfect hibernation here.

  VADER

  The prize is thine now, bounty hunter Fett.

  Take him to Jabba, with my gratitude.

  FETT

  [aside:] Aye, prize, indeed, and worthy of

  the wait. To Tatooine I fly, with expectation

  of payment great.

  VADER

  Reset the chamber for young Skywalker—

  He shall the next a’freezing undergo.

  Enter IMPERIAL SOLDIER.

  SOLDIER

  Skywalker’s ship hath just made landing, Lord.

  VADER

  ’Tis well, and be thou sure he hither comes—

  Put him upon the path that leads him here.

  [Exit Imperial soldier.

  Calrissian, take thou the princess and

  The Wookiee to my ship, and there remain.

  LANDO

  Nay, thou didst say they would in Bespin dwell—

  With me, under my supervision keen.

  How canst thou bargain
thus? ’Tis always thy

  Side of the deal that doth improve. What shalt

  Thou give to me to make this deal worthwhile?

  VADER

  Seek not to deal thyself a winning hand.

  The Empire shall not e’er play by thy rules.

  By my command, the deal is alterèd.

  In all thy orisons thou mayst yet plead

  The deal no further alterèd will be.

  [Exeunt Darth Vader and Boba Fett. Chewbacca and Princess Leia sing a song of lament.

  CHEWBAC.

  [sings:] Auugh, egh, auugh, auugh egh. Auugh, muh, muh,

  Egh, egh, auugh, egh, egh, muh, muh.

  Auugh, auugh, egh, auugh, muh, egh, muh, muh,

  Muh, wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.

  LEIA

  [sings:] Full fathom five my lover lies,

  Within an icy tomb,

  They say he lives, yet my heart dies,

  Sing wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.

  CHEWBAC.

  [sings:] Egh, auugh, auugh, auugh, egh, egh, muh, muh,

  Auugh, egh, egh, auugh, auugh, muh, muh.

  Egh, auugh, auugh, grrm, auugh, egh, muh, muh,

  Muh, wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.

  LEIA

  [sings:] Now he is gone, and so’s my life,

  All frozen in a moment.

  He my seiz’d lov’d one, I his strife,

  Sing wroshyr, wroshyr, wroshyr.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2.

  Bespin, the cloud city.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER, with R2-D2 behind.

  LUKE

  Yes, now am I in Bespin—more fool I,

  For though my feelings say this is the place,