William Shakespeare's the Taming of the Clueless Page 9
Go thou upstairs and something don atop,
That thou mayst cover’d and more modest be.
CHER
Already ’twas my plan. Wait thou a moment.
[Exit Cher.
MEL
[to Christian:] Thou, boy! Should anything befall my daughter,
I have a musket and a shovel both,
And happily would I the pair employ.
Methinks no one would mourn thee, wert thou gone.
CHRISTIAN
[aside:] No parent was so charming since Medea.
Enter CHER, wearing the same dress and a see-through sweater.
CHER
Farewell, sweet father.
CHRISTIAN
—Gentlemen, adieu.
[Cher and Christian walk aside, heading to the party.
JOSH
[aside:] My plan hath gone awry, and she is gone.
I cannot fathom wherefore I am irk’d—
I care not how the lass comports herself.
[Mel, Josh, and clerks continue to work as Cher and Christian venture outside.
CHER
Thy carriage is as fancy as can be!
CHRISTIAN
My thanks. Thy father’s scary as can be.
CHER
Indeed.
[They climb into Christian’s carriage.
CHRISTIAN
—Dost thou like Billie Holiday?
CHER
He is the greatest singer ever known.
Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.
BALTHASAR
[aside:] Who do you think shall wander into town?
You never shall guess who—
’Tis lovable, huggable Em’ly Brown,
Or Lady Brown to you.
If e’er the rainfall, pattering, comes down,
My heaven turneth blue—
Can it be sending me that Em’ly Brown
Or Lady Brown to you?
[Exit Balthasar. Exeunt Cher and Christian severally.
JOSH
[to Mel:] I did not like the lad, nor never shall.
MEL
What is to like? He is an errant youth.
JOSH
Perchance I should unto the party go,
That I may watch o’er Cher and keep her safe.
MEL
If thou bethinkest thou shouldst thither go,
I will not hinder thee—go with my blessing.
JOSH
Thou hast no need of me?
MEL
—Nay, all is well.
JOSH
If thou preferest—
MEL
—Get thee hence, be gone!
JOSH
I shall. Mine eyes shall stand in place of thine,
Observing Cher with keenest aptitude,
So shall it be like thou wert there thyself.
MEL
Go, then, and may it bring thee reassurance.
[Exit Josh.
The lad’s emotions wildly swirl about
As if she were the sea and he a squall.
One thing is certain—if I keep him here,
He shall be little use to anyone.
Let him go thither to the party where
He’ll keep an eye upon my rosebud, Cher.
[Exeunt.
The party.
Enter CHER, CHRISTIAN, JOSH, ELTON, AMBER, many STUDENTS, and few ADULTS at the party. Enter BALTHASAR and other MUSICIANS on balcony.
BALTHASAR
A sonnet, young ones, to begin our fest:
[Singing:] There was a place, whose name I did forget,
Is’t that I can’t recall, or choose I not?
Whate’er it be, it causeth me to fret,
Yet let’s continue, that we find the plot.
There was a girl whose name I do not know.
She gave affection; I with love did bind her.
I told her if I left, one day I’d show—
Perchance I shall, yet may need a reminder.
There was a verse that I had hop’d to write—
One day, a book entire I shall design.
Someday, be it in daytime or at night,
I would both be and spend a storyline.
One day! One day! When it shall be, who knows?
Someday, someday, yea someday I suppose.
[All dance. Cher and Christian dance close to each other.
CHER
[aside:] We dance, and ’tis as though I have grown wings,
Transported to the air upon a feather.
Our bodies touch, and instantly my heart
Begins to beat a march at double time,
The thumping forceful such that all shall hear’t.
I shall not call this nascent feeling love,
Lest it be spoil’d before it can mature.
Yet, if this be not foreshadow of love—
If my mind can be practically numb
And I forget all others but the lad,
If I feel I could walk upon the clouds,
Ascendant, like one walking with the gods,
If I can see his smile, his look, his moves,
And recognize therein a soul inclin’d,
Yet still this be not love—I’ll never trust
My heart or its discerning pow’rs again.
Enter TAI, who stumbles and falls as she walks in.
Alas, poor Tai! My sister, art thou well?
TAI
Fie! ’Tis embarrassing as night is dark.
CHER
Nay, none did see the fall that did befall.
TAI
Thy words are full of friendship’s comfort, aye,
Yet I am certain thou art wrong. Forsooth,
I shall be known the night entire as she
Who hither came upon her derrière!
CHER
I promise, Tai, no soul hath thee espied.
STUDENT 1
[approaching, to Tai:] Say, art thou hurt? Thy fall look’d terrible—
In all my days, I never saw a fall
That seem’d as painful as the one thou hadst.
I’d likely weep, should I go tumbling thus.
TAI
My gratitude for thy concern, I’m sure.
[Student 1 walks aside. Tai notices Elton dancing with Amber.
Cher, look—’tis Elton! He who haunts my dreams,
Caught dancing happily with Amber—ah!
Not only am I easily dismiss’d,
But he hath taken up with that foul trollop?
CHER
Belike he only dances with her, Tai,
And hath no thought of amorous intent.
[Elton and Amber kiss.
TAI
Pray, tell: think’st thou the lass is beautiful?
CHER
Were she a painting, she were a Monet.
TAI
Who is Monet?
CHER
—An artist of renown.
From far away, his paintings lovely look,
Yet closer in, the truth doth come to light—
A mess of splotches, blemishes, and strokes.
Let us ask Christian. [To him:] Say, what makest thou
Of Amber, what is thine opinion of her?
CHRISTIAN
She dwells in Hagsville. Population: one.
CHER
[to Tai:] The truth hath been reveal’d, from one who is
A connoisseur of women, verily.
CHRISTIAN
Wouldst thou believe the hosts of this event
Are charging for the priv’lege to drink beer?
Here is my charge: if thou wouldst lend a ducat,
I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a beer
&nb
sp; Today.
[Cher pulls money from her dress and hands it to Christian.
CHER
—Of course. Charge it to mine account.
Return anon with beer, and we shall charge
Unto the dance floor.
CHRISTIAN
—Thank you heartily.
[Christian walks aside, to buy beer. He talks with the barkeep.
TAI
He is adorable in the extreme!
CHER
Dost thou bear witness to his moving heart,
How ev’ry day it closer turns to me,
An ’twere a sunflower and I the sun?
He’s lim’d, I warrant you, past all defense.
Another lass approacheth unto him
And he ignores her like she were a pest—
“Unhand me, harlot, Cher’s the one for me.”
Thus says he, or so I imagine ’tis.
He and the barkeep strike a conversation—
It seems they do enjoy each other well.
He peradventure tells the man of me
And how he strives to win my tender heart.
Mayhap the two shall soon become good friends,
The barkeep our best man when we are wed.
[Tai sees Josh talking with a man across the room.
TAI
Behold, there’s Josh unto the party join’d!
CHER
I did not see him enter, yet his nature
Cannot escape itself; he hath slunk in
Unnotic’d to the party. Thereupon,
Discovering the sole adult herein,
He speaketh with the man excitedly.
’Tis like he hath no sense of what fun is,
Or—in the knowing—would destroy it wholly.
[Josh waves at Cher across the room, and she waves back.
TAI
This jumper thou advisèd me to wear—
Should it be tied around my waist, like such?
Alas, I know not what the fashion is.
CHER
Around thy waist shall suit thy sleek ensemble,
And leave the lads desiring more from thee.
CHRISTIAN
[returning:] Art ready, Cher? My feet await, prepar’d
To set thy heels once more to frolicking.
[They return to the dance floor.
BALTHASAR
[singing:] Where didst thou go? Where didst thou go?
Mine emptiness doth grow.
Where didst thou go? Where didst thou go?
I’m lost, and fain would know!
TAI
[aside:] Alone, once more, like an abandon’d dog,
I stand with no one here to dance with me.
Mine Elton holds another lass’s arms,
His gaze ne’er settl’d on me in the least—
I am the last one pick’d, and always was.
Sweet Cher, who call’d to me when I was new
And e’er hath prov’d herself a loyal friend,
Swings on the arm with Christian presently,
Forsaking me—and who could blame her for’t?
Before I mov’d here, I was mis’rable:
Few friends, and none on whom I could depend.
My life, uprooted unto California,
Seem’d desolate, with little cause for hope,
’Til I met Cher and Dionne at our school
And started to believe all would be well.
They have been beacons in a stormy sea,
Illuminating me with thoughtful care.
Now, though, as I stand helpless and alone,
The feelings of rejection rise once more,
And make me feel uncertain and bereft.
The men pass by, with glances, smirks, and frowns,
Ne’er once considering me worthy of
Attention, or a turn upon the floor.
CHER
[aside:] The merry band of minstrels is superb,
The night near perfect, dancing with my lad—
Fine Christian, most attractive man herein.
Yet for a moment, happiness doth pause
For there, across the room, I spy poor Tai,
Who hath no partner in this happy dance.
[Josh approaches Tai.
JOSH
Holla, Tai—wouldst thou dance with me awhile?
We modern folk are far too still, methinks,
Though nature hath created us to move.
CHER
[aside:] O, Josh—a miracle by heaven sent!
He asketh Tai to dance, such chivalry!
So sweet his action, I could kiss the man.
[Josh and Tai begin dancing together.
[To Christian:] Behold, Josh hath ask’d Tai to dance with him—
He never dances. Is it not delightful?
CHRISTIAN
His usual abstention hath its cause,
For see how he doth jostle, flop, and lurch?
CHER
Nay, he hath come unto the lady’s rescue,
That she feel not deserted ’midst the fun.
CHRISTIAN
Thine eyes observe the charity I miss,
Yet thou dost teach me rightly to perceive.
[Cher waves at Josh across the room, and Josh smiles at her.
JOSH
[aside:] My vast humiliation while I dance—
For I am most unskill’d, and know it well—
Is worth the trouble for a smile from Cher,
Which lighteth darkness like the blessèd moon.
Behold, now, how her Christian danceth with
A lad who slyly sidles next to him.
Is not that strange? Yet Cher doth notice not.
Perhaps I make too much of what I see—
These mountains are but molehills, certainly.
[All continue dancing. Exeunt some students as the music begins to fade. Cher, Josh, and Tai sit together, exhausted. Christian continues to dance.
CHRISTIAN
[aside:] Until the final note of music plays,
Until the march of drum and fife doth cease,
Until I’m made to leave, I shall dance on.
Faeries, come take me out of this dull world,
For I would ride with you upon the wind,
Run on the top of the dishevel’d tide,
And dance upon the mountains like a flame.
[Christian continues to dance, talking with other lads.
JOSH
How fare ye, Cher and Tai? For I can see
Some marks of red around your eyes, as though
Your bodies yearn for sleep thus far denied.
CHER
Although this night hath been a grand success,
With drowsiness success to excess turns.
I am prepar’d and eager to depart.
TAI
Exhaustion is the country where I dwell.
CHER
Let us hail Christian, that we may set forth.
[To Christian:] O, Christian, shall we hence? The hour is late.
CHRISTIAN
E’en now? These friendly lads I chatted with
Have shar’d intelligence of th’afterparty,
Where music, dancing, and delight live on.
CHER
My trainer earlier in the morning comes.
JOSH
I shall take Cher and Tai home, whilst thou goest
Upon thy merry way to parties new.
CHRISTIAN
I could not ask this of thee.
CHER
—Nay, stay thou—
Thou art so young and full of joie de vivre,
Thou shouldst not burden’d be by we two sloths.
CHRISTIAN
Ne’er came a sloth in fur as fine as thine.
Art thou most certain?
CHER
—Stay, and seize the day.
CHRISTIAN
My thanks. I’ll call upon thee on the morrow.
[Exeunt Christian and some lads. Exeunt all other students as Cher, Josh, and Tai climb into Josh’s carriage. Tai falls asleep.
CHER
’Twas passing decent that thou danc’d with Tai,
For she was lonesome and ’twas like thou wert
A knight who answereth a damsel’s cry.
JOSH
The pleasure was all mine—I am no knight,
A far cry from, but merely hop’d to make
Tai’s night less damnable through answer’d need.
CHER
Hast thou borne witness to a change in her,
Like night turn’d day?
JOSH
—Yea, ’neath thy tutelage,
A change in her is born, as she explores
The challenging domain of midriffs bare.
I riff thereon too much, perhaps, for with
Thy silence thou dost amply bear my challenge.
What of it, then? Wouldst thou not rather stay
And fill the night with thy main knight, e’en Christian?
Or, as I’d rather call him, Ring-a-Ding?
CHER
Indeed, if, for a moment I believ’d
That Father would not ding me if I spent
A night with anyone before a ring
Appeareth on my finger. He shall be
Awake the whole night worrying o’er me,
If I do not return.
JOSH
—Yea, he’ll not rest
Until the depositions are complete.
CHER
Let us do him some benefit, I pray—
An action dopious on both our parts—
And stop for food upon the pathway home,
That we my father’s hunger may depose.
He and his many clerks have not, I’ll wager,
Had aught to eat—they must be famishèd.
JOSH
Most dopious indeed—let us proceed
To part them from their gastronomic need.
[Exeunt.
The Horowitz house.
Enter MEL HOROWITZ and CLERKS.
MEL
[aside:] Mine appetite is bursting for a meal,
For cloudy grow the thoughts when one is tir’d.
Upsetting is each task in hunger’s face,
And anger is the swift result thereof.
How can I focus on these depositions
Amidst the rumbling of mine abdomen,
The cries and moans of stomach most unfed?
There should some word exist that would describe
The way that hunger quickly doth advance
To anger. Yet what would be such a term,
Combining anger unto hunger, hmm?