William Shakespeare's the Jedi Doth Return (9781594747144) Page 9
[Another shot is fired.
WICKET
A wundah wundah,
Shutee gundah,
Shutee baddee,
Nundah nundah.
[Wicket hides.
Enter IMPERIAL SCOUTS 7 and 8.
SCOUT 7
[ to Leia:] Stand down, milady, else you breathe your last!
[ To Scout 8:] Go, get thy bike, and take her back to base,
For none but our own troops have clearance to
Be on the sanctuary moon. She must
Give answer for her furtive presence here.
SCOUT 8
Indeed, Sir.
[Imperial Scout 8 begins to exit. Wicket comes out of hiding and strikes Imperial Scout 7.
SCOUT 7
—O! What manner of a beast—
[Princess Leia hits Imperial Scout 7, who falls unconscious. Imperial Scout 8 begins to run.
LEIA
Now, blaster, hit thy mark, else we’re found out!
[Princess Leia shoots and kills Imperial Scout 8.
Good cheer! The scout is slain, and we are safe.
I give thee thanks, thou bantam warrior,
For thy protection and thy bravery.
Come, let us go at once, ere others come.
WICKET
A yubnub, yubnub,
Shessa noolub,
Shessa frenda,
Yubyub, yubyub.
LEIA
[ aside:] Although it seems I came from over there
He wisheth me to follow him that way.
Belike in following I’ll earn his trust.
Then shall I make our budding friendship real
And see what this chance meeting may reveal.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 2.
Inside the second Death Star.
Enter DARTH VADER, EMPEROR PALPATINE, and ROYAL GUARDS.
EMPEROR
Now wherefore hast thou come to see me here?
Thine orders were to stay aboard thy ship.
VADER
I would not disobey thine orders, were
It not of grave importance to our cause.
A rebel force hath made it past the shield,
And landed on the forest moon of Endor.
EMPEROR
I know all this already.
VADER
—And my son
Is with them on their mission.
EMPEROR
—Art thou sure?
VADER
Forsooth, for I have felt him.
EMPEROR
—Strange that I
Have not. Lord Vader, are thy feelings on
This matter clear, or need’st thou clarity?
VADER
[ aside:] Well ask’d, for my confusion he doth sense.
[ To Emperor:] My thoughts are clear, my master.
EMPEROR
—This, then, shalt
Thou do: fly to the sanctuary moon,
And wait upon him there, for he shall come.
VADER
Indeed? ’Tis he who shall come unto me?
EMPEROR
I have foreseen it. His compassion for
His long-lost father shall mean his defeat.
’Tis he shall come to thee, and thou shalt bring
Him hither, unto me. Thus it shall be.
VADER
Whatever thou dost wish, I grant to thee.
[Exeunt.
SCENE 3.
The forest moon of Endor.
Enter Han Solo, Chewbacca, C-3PO, and R2-D2.
HAN
A’searching in the forest, we have found
No trace of my belovèd. Yet I see
These wreck’d and tangl’d bikes afore mine eyes,
And must assume the worst. Some horrid fate,
Some accident of fortune hath befall’n,
And ta’en my love too quickly from my grasp.
O let it ne’er be so, and let me not
With grief and anguish live out all my days.
Although we find not Leia, let us still
Some hope discover deep within these woods.
Enter LUKE SKYWALKER , holding Princess Leia’s helmet.
LUKE
This helmet have I found, near yonder log.
The tree that once so tall and stately stood,
Hath been by some unnat’ral force knock’d down.
But all that doth remain there is the top,
That once rose high above the forest’s roof.
O tree, that lost its trunk and turn’d to log!
O helmet—without wearer—turn’d to shell.
C-3PO
Good Master Luke, his heart doth break within.
LUKE
Two more wreck’d speeders yonder did I see,
And this poor, empty helmet tells a tale.
C-3PO
I fear that R2’s sensors can find no
Suggestion of dear Princess Leia near.
HAN
I hope—O greatest hope, O fondest hope—
With all my being hope she may be well.
CHEWBAC.
Auugh!
HAN
—What is it, thou Wookiee?
[Chewbacca finds a piece of meat hanging from a rope.
CHEWBAC.
—Egh. Egh, auugh!
HAN
I do not understand, Chewbacca. It
Is just a piece of meat, and nothing more.
CHEWBAC.
Auugh!
LUKE
—Nay! Pray, patience!
[All are caught in a net and raised into the air.
HAN
—Wonderful! The ones
Who wish’d to find become the ones found out,
Who wish’d to net a princess, netted are,
Who pray’d to find her, find themselves now prey.
And why? Because the one who thinketh least
Hath thought with appetite and not with mind.
LUKE
Since fault of thought hath got us to this place,
Let us be calm, and reason our way out.
Canst thou reach my lightsaber, Han?
HAN
—Indeed!
[Han Solo tries but cannot reach the lightsaber.
R2-D2
[ aside:] Once more it lies in me to save these men.
Mayhap a fall upon their rears shall serve
Them well. Now quickly to thy work, my blade!
[R2-D2 begins to cut the net.
C-3PO
R2, dost think that wise? ’Tis far to fall!
LUKE
Down, down, we fall!
HAN
—Alack!
C-3PO
—O, R2!
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!
HAN
Safe from the net, yet hard upon the ground.
Although my mind is grateful for the help,
My back doth cry for vengeance on the droid
Whose foolish act hath knock’d us flat.
Enter EWOKS , including TEEBO, surrounding the others.
LUKE
—But look,
How many furry beings are there here!
O brave new world, that has such creatures in’t!
[Teebo points his spear at Han Solo.
TEEBO
U jabbeh, jabbeh,
Ussah stabbatheh,
Unoh muvva,
Gabbeh, gabbeh.
HAN
Avaunt, thou scruffy flea-infested imp—
Point not thy spear toward my angry self,
Else thou shalt know the scourge of blaster fire.
LUKE
I prithee, patience, Han—all shall be well.
TEEBO
E hura hura,
Heeno scura,
Heesa tempurr,
Gura, gura.
LUKE
Chewbacca, give thy crossbow unto them.
Let them believe they have the upper hand,
And we shall see of what the beasts are made.
C-3PO
[ rising from the fall:] Alas, my head! What pains I must endure.
But O—what creatures do surround us here?
TEEBO
U hadoo, hadoo,
Heesa gadoo,
Heesa mytee,
Gadoo, gadoo.
C-3PO
A treeto treeto,
Meesah greeto,
Houdi dootee,
Seeto, seeto.
LUKE
C-3PO, dost comprehend their tongue?
C-3PO
Indeed, my master Luke! Recall that I
Am fluent in more than six million forms—
HAN
Less prating, more explaining, droid. What didst
Thou say to them, when thou didst speak e’en now?
C-3PO
“Hello,” methinks. ’Tis possible I am
Mistaken. They employ a primitive
And ancient dialect, but it appears
They think of me as like unto a god.
R2-D2
[ aside:] O heaven help us all. C-3PO
Already thinks himself divine, and needs
No congregation further. [ To C-3PO:] Beep, squeak!
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!
HAN
O Lord most high and reverent, thou gold
And stainless deity, call on thy pow’rs
And godlike charms, and straight divine us all
A way beyond this situation. Aye?
C-3PO
Nay, Gen’ral Solo, ’tis not proper.
HAN
—Proper?
You shall for sure discover what is right
And proper, when I blast apart thy frame.
C-3PO
Lo, ’tis forbidden, Gen’ral Solo, for
E’en droids aren’t masters of divinity.
HAN
Thou fickle spirit! Deity or not,
I shall a spiritual experience
Enjoy as I do tear thee limb from limb.
[The Ewoks surround and threaten Han Solo.
TEEBO
Na goo, na goo,
Heesall na doo,
Heesall beest ill,
Ya doo, ya doo.
HAN
Pray pardon, jolly beasts. Nay, fear me not—
’Twas but a jest, for he is my old friend.
[The Ewoks bind Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, Chewbacca, and R2-D2 and take them to their village, with C-3PO enthroned.
LUKE
Now are we ta’en unto their simple homes—
Plain huts of wood with branches for their roofs.
A simple tribe are these, yet wise as well—
With neither guns nor lightsabers they snar’d
A pilot skill’d, a Wookiee brave and strong,
A Jedi Knight, and two most earnest droids.
’Twas quite a catch for such a humble net.
And now, like spits upon a fire we’re hung.
But what transpireth next? We’ll see anon.
HAN
My feelings are o’ercome with thoughts most dire:
They ready for a feast, but where’s the food?
Do they not know I shall a poor meal make?
No supper may be cook’d from Han’s firm flesh,
For smuggler meat is all too hard and tough.
CHEWBAC.
Auugh!
TEEBO
E krandeh krandeh,
Thessah mandeh,
Thessah kuukah,
Gandeh, gandeh,
C-3PO
Ad toyum toyum,
Lessum goyum,
Nossah dootis,
Noyum, noyum.
HAN
—Prithee, tell me, droid, what did he say?
C-3PO
O, it is rather an embarrassment
Good Gen’ral Solo. It appears that thou
Shalt be the main course at a banquet in
My honor. I am quite asham’d, good Sir,
And promise I shall not enjoy the meal.
CHEWBAC.
Auugh!
[Ewoks begin playing drums.
EWOKS
[ singing:] A gunda gunda,
Thissa funda,
Thessa burna,
Kunda, kunda.
Enter PRINCESS LEIA.
LUKE
—Leia!
HAN
—O, my heart! My precious one!
My Leia! Now may I go up in flames,
Since I have seen thee safe and well again,