William Shakespeare's Alack! of the Clones Read online

  Copyright © 2015 by Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.

  Used under authorization.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2014953127

  ISBN 9781594748073

  eBook ISBN 9781594748202

  Text by Ian Doescher

  Illustrations by Nicolas Delort

  Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  v4.1

  TO HESTON HAVENS AND TO SARAH CRESWELL:

  TWO JEDI KNIGHTS BEYOND THE GALAXY

  WHOSE KIND AND LOVING HEARTS SHALL NE’ER BE CLONED

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Dramatis Personae

  Prologue

  Act I Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act II Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Act III Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Act IV Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Act V Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  CHORUS

  RUMOR

  YODA, a Jedi Master

  OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi Knight

  ANAKIN SKYWALKER, his Jedi apprentice

  MACE WINDU and KI-ADI-MUNDI, Jedi Masters

  JOCASTA NU, keeper of the Jedi archives

  PADMÉ AMIDALA, senator of Naboo

  CORDÉ and DORMÉ, her handmaidens and decoys

  CAPTAIN TYPHO, of Amidala’s guard

  BAIL ORGANA and ASK AAK, senators of the Republic

  QUEEN JAMILLIA and SIO BIBBLE, queen and governor of Naboo

  R2-D2, C-3PO, and R4-P17, droids

  SHMI SKYWALKER and CLIEGG LARS, Anakin’s mother and her husband

  OWEN LARS and BERU WHITESUN, Shmi’s stepson and his mate

  JAR JAR BINKS, a Gungan clown

  CHANCELLOR PALPATINE/DARTH SIDIOUS, a Sith Lord

  COUNT DOOKU/DARTH TYRANUS, a Sith

  MAS AMEDDA and DAR WAC, vice chancellor and aide

  TAUN WE and LAMA SU, cloners of Kamino

  JANGO FETT and BOBA FETT, a bounty hunter and his son

  ZAM WESELL, an assassin

  ELAN SLEAZEBAGGANO, a wretch

  DEXTER JETTSTER and WA-7, a Coruscant merchant and his droid

  NUTE GUNRAY, viceroy of the Trade Federation

  WAT TAMBOR, SHU MAI, and SAN HILL, Separatist Alliance conspirators

  POGGLE THE LESSER, archduke of Geonosis

  ACKLAY, NEXU, and REEK, beasts of Geonosis

  WATTO, a tradesman of Tatooine

  SENATORS, PILOTS, GUARDS, DROIDS, CREATURES, MEMBERS OF THE JEDI ORDER, and JEDI YOUNGLINGS

  PROLOGUE.

  Outer space.

  Enter CHORUS.

  CHORUS

  All hurly-burly goes the galaxy—

  The Senate sees a time of harsh unrest.

  For many thousand systems do decree

  Intent to leave th’Republic’s troubl’d nest.

  This movement of the sep’ratists is led

  By one Count Dooku, garb’d in mystery.

  The Jedi Knights are press’d and thinly spread:

  The peace they keep grows weaker by degree.

  A vital vote the Senate doth pursue:

  Shall they an army for th’Republic make?

  Strong senator—Am’dala of Naboo—

  To Coruscant makes way, this plan to break.

  In time so long ago begins our play,

  In clash-strewn galaxy far, far away.

  [Exit.

  SCENE 1.

  A landing platform on the planet Coruscant.

  Enter PADMÉ, in Naboo fighter ship, with R2-D2.

  PADMÉ

  In sooth, I know not why I am so sad;

  Is this one moment not without its hope?

  The Senate doth face challenges, indeed,

  Yet need my visage sing such somber tones?

  The music of our strong democracy

  Hath instruments enough to keep its tune:

  A symphony of peace it hath perform’d,

  For many years delighting all who hear.

  The past, though, doth not croon the future’s song.

  The minstrel of the present plays his lute

  As though to prophesy some tragedy

  And turn our joyful march to mournful dirge.

  E’en now there comes a frightful dissonance,

  A clang, a crash—the cymbals roughly struck.

  Our major calm, our time of quietude,

  Doth modulate unto a minor key.

  Too hastily we turn to drum and fife,

  The sounds of war assaulting ev’ry ear.

  My sadness, then, plays countermelody

  To these stark notes of conflict, pain, and strife.

  Enter CORDÉ dressed as SENATOR AMIDALA and NABOO GUARDS, in royal cruiser ship. Enter CAPTAIN TYPHO, aside in fighter ship.

  GUARD 1

  My senator, I bring this brief report:

  To Coruscant we make our swift approach.

  CORDÉ

  ’Tis well, Lieutenant. Let us, then, proceed.

  Our royal cruiser shall its landing make,

  Beside the fighter ships escorting us.

  [The Naboo royal cruiser and fighter ships land on Coruscant.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, beep, whistle, squeak!

  TYPHO

  [to Padmé:] —We have arriv’d,

  And all within our party quite unscath’d.

  Forsooth, my trepidation was misplac’d:

  There was no cause or reason to have fear,

  No danger hath pursu’d us to this place.

  My guess was wrong, and we are landed safe.

  [The royal cruiser explodes. Naboo guards die.

  Alas! How like a fool my spirits change—

  Methought I had been wrong, and now am wrong’d!

  PADMÉ

  [to Cordé:] O, Cordé, thou who took my rightful place,

  Unrightfully art slain through villainy.

  CORDÉ

  My lady, I have fail’d you in this death,

  And with my final breath beg you: forgive.

  I would I had another life to give,

  That you another death might still be spar’d.

  [Cordé dies.

  PADMÉ

  Weep, eyes, for sorrow comes too suddenly!

  TYPHO

  Good lady, you are yet in danger here.

  We must get hence and get you from this place.

  PADMÉ

  ’Tis certain I should never have return’d.

  TYPHO

  Yet is this vote a thing of consequence,

  Which you and your estate may not dismiss.

  Young Cordé hath fulfill’d her duty true,

  If you would honor her, fulfill yours, too.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2.

  On the planet Coruscant, in the chambers of the chancellor.
r />   Enter CHANCELLOR PALPATINE, YODA, MACE WINDU, KI-ADI-MUNDI, and other MEMBERS OF THE JEDI COUNCIL.

  PALPATINE

  The vote shall not suspended be for long;

  Star systems plentiful continue their

  Most swift departure to the sep’ratists.

  Thus doth the Senate presently demand

  A vote that shall decide if we shall see

  An army in the strong Republic’s name.

  MACE

  If they would in my country not remain—

  PALPATINE

  I shall not let the great Republic, which

  Hath stood for lo these thousand years as one,

  Be split in twain by any errant group,

  No matter how misguided they may be.

  Pray, trust me: my negotiations shall

  Not fail to bring those systems to our fold.

  MACE

  Yet if they fail, ’twould be the kiss of death:

  And we have not the Jedi to maintain

  The order and defense Republic needs

  Against a foe formidable as they.

  You would do well to bear this in your thoughts:

  We are but peacekeepers—not soldiers, nay.

  PALPATINE

  Wise Master Yoda, what do you foresee?

  Shall this grim path but lead to bitter war?

  Are all our steps directed thereunto?

  YODA

  The dark side rises—

  Cloudeth ev’rything it doth.

  Thus, the future hides.

  Enter DAR WAC in beam.

  DAR

  Mahala, geena beeska wooski woo.

  PALPATINE

  The loyalists have come? My thanks, Dar Wac.

  DAR

  Ma hanna hoonja parawa.

  PALPATINE

  —Thou mayst

  Admit them to our presence even now.

  [Exit Dar Wac from beam.

  Another time this matter we’ll discuss,

  Yet now the delegation from Naboo

  I must with all good will and comfort greet.

  Enter PADMÉ, CAPTAIN TYPHO, BAIL ORGANA, JAR JAR BINKS, and other NABOO GUARDS.

  YODA

  [to Padmé:] My dear Senator,

  Your tragedy whilst landing

  Most terrible was.

  Yet that you still live

  Bringeth feelings of deep warmth

  To this Jedi heart.

  PADMÉ

  My thanks, good Master Yoda. Do you have

  Suggestion as to who made this attack?

  Can your keen Jedi sight see e’en thus far?

  MACE

  Our best reports point to the twisted minds

  Of various spice miners who are found

  Upon the moons of your small home, Naboo.

  PADMÉ

  Nay, these reports have not the air of truth,

  For ’tis my sense Count Dooku is to blame.

  KI-ADI

  A shrewd political idealist is

  The man; to murther hath he not yet turn’d.

  MACE

  You know, my lady, Jedi was he once—

  ’Tis true he’s none in the new age, yet still

  His nature runs not to assassination.

  ’Tis not within Count Dooku’s character:

  The role of murderer he playeth not.

  YODA

  Yet most certain ’tis,

  Senator Amidala:

  In danger you are.

  PALPATINE

  Brave Master Jedi, humbly I suggest

  The senator be safeguarded by you.

  BAIL

  Is’t wise to play our hand in such a way,

  Since this grave moment bringeth such distress?

  PADMÉ

  Sir Chancellor, if you would hear me speak:

  ’Tis not my wish, nor is it my belief—

  PALPATINE

  ’Tis not your firm belief, young senator,

  Our situation hath become so dire?

  It may not be, and yet I disagree:

  The tide of these affairs hath turn’d most rough,

  And threatens now to overturn the ship

  Of our Republic. ’Tis most serious.

  Whilst I do grasp that this additional

  Security may be most noisome, it

  Is also vital you protected are.

  Mayhap if ’twere a Jedi you know well—

  A friend of times gone by, I have the man:

  E’en Master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yea?

  MACE

  ’Tis possible. He hath return’d e’en now:

  A border quarrel nearby Ansion—

  With each combatant raging like a moose—

  He hath of late o’erseen, and presently

  He hath made his return to Coruscant.

  PALPATINE

  If not for your fond people of Naboo,

  If not for the Republic that you serve,

  If not for this grim danger you are in,

  Do it, if not for these, then for my sake.

  When my mind ponders thought of losing you,

  ’Tis more, my lady, than my soul can bear.

  MACE

  Brave Obi-Wan shall make report to you

  Immediately, lady. And, fear not:

  He shall be most discreet, and out of sight

  E’en though he ever guards you steadily.

  PADMÉ

  Kind Master Windu, take mine utmost thanks.

  [Exeunt Palpatine, Padmé, Typho, Yoda, Mace Windu, Ki-Adi-Mundi, and Jedi Council members.

  Enter ANAKIN SKYWALKER.

  ANAKIN

  Hold still, mine hands, be still, O fev’rish blood,

  If the mere thought of her doth move me so,

  How shall it be when I stand by her side?

  How when her lovely face doth meet mine eyes?

  What shall I do when mine ears hear her voice,

  Which is a sweeter music to my soul

  Above all else the galaxy could sound?

  The measure of my keen affection doth

  Exceed all measure, line, or boundary.

  And this affection, bred of memory,

  Is but a shadow to what may come forth

  When in her presence I shall stand at last.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI.

  OBI-WAN

  Good morrow, my young Padawan. How is’t?

  What trouble’s this in thy complexion here,

  What matter pulls thy spirit out of sorts?

  ANAKIN

  [aside:] Alas, how well he knows mine ev’ry look.

  [To Obi-Wan:] Nay, nay, ’tis nothing, Master. All

  is well.

  OBI-WAN

  I sense the falsehood e’en as it is spoke—

  Thou art far tenser now than I have seen

  Since we into that nest of gundarks fell.

  ANAKIN

  A fallen memory indeed, kind sir,

  For it was you who did the falling whilst

  I did the rescuing, if I recall.

  OBI-WAN

  Perchance some fault befalls my memory—

  Forsooth, ’twas as thou sayest, I confess.

  Although ’twas frightening, it brings me mirth:

  Aye, danger may be merry when ’tis past.

  But now, behold thy face—thou dost perspire!

  I prithee, Anakin, relax, breathe deep.

  ANAKIN

  I have not seen the lass lo these ten years.

  OBI-WAN

  [aside:] I guess’d ’twas thoughts of Padmé plagu’d

  him so.

  Enter JAR JAR BINKS.

  JAR JAR

  ’Tis Obi! Meesa smile to see you.

  OBI-WAN

  And thee as well, kind Jar Jar. Art thou well?

  Enter PADMÉ and CAPTAIN TYPHO.

  JAR JAR

  O, Missa Padmé mees got palos!

  See, Senator, de Jedi commee.

  PADMÉ

  [aside:]
Who is this man who stands before me here?

  There’s Obi-Wan, I know him well enough,

  And is this—can it be? ’Tis Anakin.

  How unfamiliar is his face to me,

  How like a man and not the boy I knew!

  Though I feel I have ag’d but little since

  I last did see him, back on small Naboo,

  The change in him doth tell of many years

  That evidently fill’d the interim.

  OBI-WAN

  It is a joy to see you once again.

  PADMÉ

  It hath been years too many, Obi-Wan—

  Time’s march continues on as quicksilver.

  And Ani? Is it thee? How thou hast grown!

  ANAKIN

  And thou as well, in charm and loveliness.

  I mean but loveliness most politic,

  And charm that doth befit a senator.

  ’Twas nothing more I meant, nay, nothing more.

  OBI-WAN

  [aside:] How like a child he stammers, nervous wretch.

  PADMÉ

  O, Ani, whether I have grown or no,

  Thou shalt forever in mine eyes be that

  Small boy I met on windblown Tatooine.

  OBI-WAN

  Our presence here shall be invisible:

  This is my promise to you, Senator.

  TYPHO

  My name is Captain Typho, I provide

  Security unto Her Majesty.

  Our queen, Jamillia, hath been notified

  Of your assignment to the senator.

  Your presence here doth make me grateful, sir;

  The danger we are in, I’ll warrant, is

  Far more than our dear senator admits.

  PADMÉ

  ’Tis not security I need, but answers,

  For guards I have enough, with questions more:

  Who is’t who tried to kill me on the ship?