William Shakespeare's Much Ado About Mean Girls Read online

  TM & © 2019 Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved.

  All rights reserved. Except as authorized under U.S. copyright law, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2018943044

  ISBN: 9781683691174

  Ebook ISBN 9781683691181

  Ebook design adapted from printed book design by Doogie Horner

  Text by Ian Doescher

  Interior illustrations by Kent Barton

  Cover illustration by Ana San José Cortajarena

  Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  v5.4

  a

  For Tom and Kristin,

  meanest girls I know

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Other Titles

  A Note About the Series

  List of Illustrations

  Dramatis Personae

  Prologue

  Act I

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act II

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Act III

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Act IV

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Act V

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  Reader’s Guide

  Sonnet G14

  About the Author

  THE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S STAR WARS SERIES

  The Phantom of Menace: Star Wars Part the First

  The Clone Army Attacketh: Star Wars Part the Second

  Tragedy of the Sith’s Revenge: Star Wars Part the Third

  Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope

  The Empire Striketh Back: Star Wars Part the Fifth

  The Jedi Doth Return: Star Wars Part the Sixth

  The Force Doth Awaken: Star Wars Part the Seventh

  Jedi the Last: Star Wars Part the Eighth

  THE POP SHAKESPEARE SERIES

  Get Thee Back to the Future!

  A NOTE ABOUT THE SERIES

  Welcome to the world of Pop Shakespeare!

  Each book in this series gives a Shakespearean makeover to your favorite movie or television show, re-creating each moment from the original as if the Bard of Avon had written it himself. The lines are composed in iambic pentameter, and the whole is structured into acts and scenes, complete with numbered lines and stage directions.

  Astute readers will be delighted to discover Easter eggs, historical references, and sly allusions to Shakespeare’s most famous plays, characters, and themes, which you can learn more about in the author’s Afterword. A Reader’s Guide is also included, for those who want to learn more about Shakespeare’s style.

  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

  Frontispiece

  “ ‘One Kevin Gnapoor, math enthusiast

  And bad-arse deejay’—such a card to play!”

  “Come hither, Cady, feast thine eyes on this.

  ’Tis call’d our Burn Book…”

  “Regina George: an evil dictator.

  How doth a state o’erthrow such tyranny?

  Cut off her plentiful resources, yea.”

  “I have secur’d foot cream from Janis’ shop,

  To give it to Regina for her face.”

  “Ho ho ho! Candygrams for all and each!”

  “Our final act! Pray, welcome to the stage

  The helpers of rever’d Saint Nicholas

  With their song: ‘Rousing Rock to Jingle Bell.’ ”

  “Pray, give these to Regina, for the bars

  Will hang upon her waist like a disease…”

  “Thou smellest like a baby prostitute,

  Preparing for a night of many trysts.”

  “Ha! Thou art chosen by my trickery—

  ’Tis well that I did man the ballot box.”

  “Is butter such as may be call’d a carb?”

  “O Fate, have you been watching over us—

  Hath justice been deliver’d by a bus?”

  “Why are we, then, distress’d about this token?

  It is mere plastic, which doth eas’ly break.”

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  CHORUS

  CADY HERON, a young woman

  LADY and SIR HERON, her parents

  REGINA GEORGE, a shrewish young woman and leader of the Plastics

  GRETCHEN WIENERS, a troubled young woman and member of the Plastics

  KAREN SMITH, a doltish young woman and member of the Plastics

  JANIS IAN, a cunning young woman

  DAMIAN, a kindhearted young man

  AARON SAMUELS, an attractive young man

  MADAM SHARON NORBURY, a wise teacher

  SIR RONALD DUVALL, a beleaguered school principal

  LADY GEORGE, Regina’s mother

  COACH CARR, a teacher of health

  KEVIN GNAPOOR, a math enthusiast and bad-arse deejay

  SHANE OMAN, a brute

  KRISTEN HADLEY, JASON, TAYLOR WEDELL, SETH MOSAKOWSKI, LEA EDWARDS, TRANG PAK, BETHANY BYRD, DAWN SCHWEITZER, SUN JIN DINH, and TIM PAK, students

  LADY WEDELL, a troubled parent

  VARIOUS STUDENTS AND TEACHERS

  PROLOGUE

  Evanston, Illinois, in the New World.

  Enter CHORUS.

  CHORUS When audiences ’round the globe appear,

  Desiring stories of a woman’s fate,

  Our playwright answereth the calling clear,

  Preparing ample banquet for your plate.

  This tale of lasses takes us unto school

  With many shrewish girls and boyish asses,

  Wherein they make mistakes and play the fool,

  And learn hard lessons far beyond their classes.

  To this fey story make I introduction—

  Which shows us Cady Heron’s youthful age—

  Her narrative unfolds in our production

  In these few hours upon our simple stage.

  I, prologue-like, your humble patience pray,

  Gently to hear, kindly to judge, our play.

  [Exit.

  SCENE 1

  At the Heron residence and North Shore High School.

  Enter CADY HERON and her parents, LADY HERON and SIR HERON.

  SIR H. Proceed, young Cady, to procure thy lunch,

  And by the bite of it end woes and all.

  There ne’er was situation so enflam’d

  That by a meal was not made easier.

  Within this bag shalt thou a dollar find,

  With which thou mayst buy milk an thou dost wish.

  Ask thou the bigger children where ’tis done

  And, by my troth, they’ll gladly give thee aid.

  LADY H. Remember’st thou the number of thy home?

  Take this along; I writ it for thy sake.

  I prithee, place it in thy pocket safe—

  If thou dost love me, thou wilt lose it not.

  [Aside:] I’ll seem the fool I am not; Cady, strong,

  Will be herself. [To Cady:] Art thou prepar’d for

  school?

  CADY E’en were I passing wise, like Seneca,r />
  I’d not have readiness as on me falls.

  SIR H. A picture ere thou leavest home I’ll take,

  That we, one day, recall this moment rare.

  [They take a photograph together. Exeunt Lady and Sir Heron as Cady walks to school.

  CADY ’Tis natural, methinks, that parents cry

  Upon the day their child first goeth schoolward.

  Perforce this is the case most typical

  When children are a meagre five years old.

  I am sixteen and was, until today,

  School’d by my parents in our fam’ly home.

  Good gentles, like a waiting, open book,

  The content of your minds is plain to read:

  “A homeschool’d child is th’utmost rarity,

  An ’twere a freak one would in circus find.”

  Your minds, belike, imagine instances

  When children taught at home are strange, indeed.

  Enter CHILD 1 above, on balcony.

  CHILD 1 The spelling of the short word xylocarp—

  A fruit that hath a husky, woody shell—

  Is plain: X-Y-L-O-C-A-R-P.

  [Exit Child 1.

  CADY Or, mayhap, ye assume we hold a faith

  Bizarre and dangerous in the extreme.

  Enter CHILD 2 above, on balcony.

  CHILD 2 Upon the third day of creation, God

  Hath made the Remington bolt-action rifle.

  For “Lo,” God said, “my people must have aught

  With which to fight the mighty dinosaurs

  And—ages hence—the homosexuals.”

  Amen say I, and all my family.

  [Exit Child 2.

  CADY Think not with prejudice upon my state,

  For, truly, normal is my family.

  Though, in this case, ’tis normal temper’d by

  The occupation of my parents two:

  They both are researching zoologists,

  Who spent the last twelve years on Afric plains.

  My parents did know more of snakes than sneakers,

  More knowledge of the zebras than of Zen,

  More happy near the lions than Detroit,

  More calm upon safari than in Chrome.

  My life was wonderful beyond compare,

  As I did grow among the pleasant beasts

  And ev’ry day enjoy’d the open air.

  It was a joyful, satisfying life,

  Until my mother earn’d a teaching post

  At old Northwestern University,

  Complete with tenure—forcing our return.

  Farewell said I to Afric and its plains,

  And bid hello to high school and its pains.

  [She is nearly struck by a passing bus as she crosses a street.

  Alas! I must be careful, by my troth—

  Ne’er was a day in Africa so fraught.

  Enter many STUDENTS, including JANIS IAN, DAMIAN, and KRISTEN HADLEY.

  Behold, such varied students on display,

  Array’d in current fashion, in such clothes

  As I have never own’d in sixteen years.

  Shall I attain the grace and confidence

  With which my striking peers comport themselves?

  The crowd is quick and unpredictable—

  Balls fly from yonder, faster than a cheetah,

  Then soar like eagle thither on their way.

  The students roughly bump and jostle like

  A herd of antelope at water’s edge.

  Nearby some boyish scoundrels light a pyre,

  As if some ritual they did enact.

  So new and so mysterious—O wonder!

  How many goodly creatures are there here!

  How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world,

  That has such people in it! Now, to class.

  [Exeunt most students as Cady walks into her classroom. Janis, Damian, and other students sit at desks. Cady mistakes Kristen for her teacher.

  Here is the teacher—tall and self-assur’d:

  I’ll speak to her and introduce myself.

  [To Kristen:] Holla, I know not if you heard of me.

  My path hath newly brought me to this school,

  Where I shall be your student: Cady Heron.

  KRISTEN An thou dost ever speak again to me,

  A painful kick unto thine ass I’ll grant.

  [Cady begins to sit.

  JANIS Sit not upon that seat, or thou shalt be

  In trouble with one Kristen Hadley—she

  Whom thou didst think was teacher unto us—

  For her small boyfriend shall assume that seat.

  Enter KRISTEN HADLEY’S BOYFRIEND, sitting next to her and kissing her.

  KRISTEN Hello, diminutive red-headed love.

  [They kiss. Cady looks for another seat.

  JANIS Did not I speak the words and prove them true?

  Sit not there, either, for the boy in front

  Is flatulent beyond all remedy.

  GASSY STD. [aside:] O shame, to have a reputation thus!

  I am for gas renown’d, but hath a soul

  That longeth for a song compos’d of words—

  Say I: hail, poetry! Thou heav’n-born maid,

  Indeed, thou gildest e’en the farter’s trade.

  CADY Shall I no seat within this classroom find?

  Enter MADAM NORBURY, knocking into CADY and spilling coffee on herself.

  NORBURY Hello, all—O, alack!

  CADY —Apologies!

  NORBURY Nay, set thy heart at rest. ’Tis not thy fault.

  My fortune doth run low in muck and mud—

  My life’s quaint mazes in the wanton green

  For lack of tread are undistinguishable.

  [She begins to remove her jumper on which she spilled the coffee.

  Enter SIR DUVALL.

  DUVALL Good Madam Norbury, is’t well with thee?

  NORBURY [to Cady:] My undergarment clingeth to my jumper

  And presently my navel’s on display—

  ’Tis true?

  CADY —Indeed.

  NORBURY —Start to a perfect day.

  DUVALL This is a scene most inexplicable.

  Is ev’rything all right within thy class?

  NORBURY ’Tis well, or soon shall be.

  DUVALL —How was thy summer?

  NORBURY I was divorcèd from my husband past.

  DUVALL My carpal tunnel syndrome hath return’d.

  NORBURY Were we comparing woes, it seems I win.

  DUVALL Thou winn’st, forsooth—my sorrow goes with thee.

  [To students:] I hither came to bring ye this report:

  A newfound student is within your midst,

  Who did arrive from Afric recently.

  [Madam Norbury spies a black student.

  NORBURY Thou welcome art!

  BLACK STD. —I come from Michigan!

  Pray, lay not your assumptions at my feet.

  NORBURY O, Michigan, a wondrous state indeed!

  DUVALL Her name is Caddy, like the shack of old.

  Is there a Caddy Heron present here?

  CADY ’Tis I, whose name alike to Katie sounds.

  DUVALL Beg pardon for the mispronunciation.

  Thy case is like my nephew, Anfernee,

  Who doth despise the errant sound of it

  When I misspeak and call him Anthony.

  [Aside:] His anger, though, is nothing next to mine,

  When I bethink upon my sister’s choice

  To give him such a name as Anfernee!

  NORBURY Thou fresh-fac’d Cady, thou most welcome art,

  And thank you, Sir Duvall, for thy report.

  DUVALL It is my pleasure, Madam Norbury.

  If thou hast need of any little thing,

  Or if thou’dst speak about thy situation…

  NORBURY My thanks. Perhaps another time when I

  Am not array’d in tunic most transparent.

  DUVALL Indeed. [Aside:] She is not wrong,
I see it well—

  How pleasant and how shapely is her form.

  [To students:] Good day unto ye all. Learn well, learn true.

  [Exit Sir Duvall. Exit Madam Norbury severally. Janis, Damian, and other students change classrooms as Cady speaks.

  CADY My first day in the school pass’d in a blur—

  A most confusing and distressing blur,

  Wherein I was in trouble for such things

  As I had ne’er imagin’d I would be.

  Enter CHEMISTRY TEACHER.

  CHEM. Where art thou bound?

  CADY —Unto the restroom, sir.

  CHEM. Thou dost the lavatory pass require,

  If ’tis thy plan to thither boldly go.

  CADY I see. Can you deliver such to me?

  CHEM. Thy truancy is plain. Sit thou once more.

  [Exit chemistry teacher.

  CADY Ne’er had I liv’d within so foul a world

  Where no adult would trust me or my words,

  And where they spent the livelong day in yelling.

  Enter ENGLISH TEACHER, HISTORY TEACHER, MUSIC TEACHER, and GERMAN TEACHER above, on balcony.

  ENGLISH Read not beyond the page that is assign’d

  For if thou dost, the words may rot thy brain!

  HISTORY The color of thy pen may not be green,

  For history is mark’d by shades of gray!

  MUSIC There shall be none of foodstuffs in my class,

  For such behavior strikes discordant notes.

  GERMAN Nein Fräulein, bleiben Sie auf Ihrem Platz,

  Denn Deutschland mag ein Mädchen, das gehorcht!

  [Exeunt teachers.

  CADY My puzzlement did not abate by lunchtime,

  As I no welcome found at any seat:

  One group did make their keen abhorrence known

  By placing their effects where I would sit.

  Another talks of things impolitic—

  Aloud they talk’d of women’s nipplous parts.

  E’en when I spake the greeting “Jambo!” to

  A group I did assume were African,

  They were perplex’d and did not return the greeting.

  While I had friends when I in Afric dwelt,

  Thus far I had not one in Evanston.

  [Exeunt all but Cady.

  Inside the restroom I did sit and eat

  To hide bewilderment and loneliness.

  O Fates, who spin our threads, I pray you, speak,

  For still ’tis beating in my mind, your reason

  For raising this sea storm against my boat.