William Shakespeare's the Taming of the Clueless Read online

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  All rights reserved. Except as authorized under U.S. copyright law, no part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Doescher, Ian, author. | Barton, Kent, illustrator. | Green, Helen, cover artist

  Taming of the clueless / by Ian Doescher; interior illustrations by Kent

  Barton; cover illustration by Helen Green.

  LCSH: Shakespeare, William, 1564–1616—Parodies, imitations, etc. |

  Clueless (Motion picture)—Adaptations.

  PS3604.O3419 T36 2020

  DDC 812/.6—dc23 2019038539

  ISBN 9781683691754

  Ebook ISBN 9781683691754

  Text by Ian Doescher

  Cover designed by Andie Reid

  Interior designed by Molly Rose Murphy

  Interior illustrations by Kent Barton

  Cover illustration by Helen Green

  Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  a_prh_5.4_c0_r2

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Also by Ian Doescher

  A Note About the Series

  List of Illustrations

  Dramatis Personae

  Prologue

  Act I

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Act II

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act III

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act IV

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act V

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Epilogue

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  Reader’s Guide

  About the Author

  For family, in broad and narrow senses—

  To Jennifer, Graham, Liam, J, and T—

  For giving me your patience and your love

  Especially in times when I was clueless

  ALSO BY IAN DOESCHER

  MacTrump

  THE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S STAR WARS SERIES

  The Phantom of Menace: Stars Wars Part the First

  The Clone Army Attacketh: Star Wars Part the Second

  Tragedy of the Sith’s Revenge: Star Wars Part the Third

  Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope

  The Empire Striketh Back: Star Wars Part the Fifth

  The Jedi Doth Return: Star Wars Part the Sixth

  The Force Doth Awaken: Star Wars Part the Seventh

  Jedi the Last: Star Wars Part the Eighth

  THE POP SHAKESPEARE SERIES

  Much Ado About Mean Girls

  Get Thee Back to the Future!

  A NOTE ABOUT THE SERIES

  Welcome to the world of Pop Shakespeare!

  Each book in this series gives a Shakespearean makeover to your favorite movie or television show, re-creating each moment from the original as if the Bard of Avon had written it himself. The lines are composed in iambic pentameter, and the whole is structured into acts and scenes, complete with numbered lines and stage directions.

  Astute readers will be delighted to discover Easter eggs, historical references, and sly allusions to Shakespeare’s most famous plays, characters, and themes, which you can learn more about in the author’s Afterword. A Reader’s Guide is also included, for those who want to learn more about Shakespeare’s style.

  LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

  1: Frontispiece

  “Each morn I rise with brushing of the teeth

  2: And choose my clothing for the day to come.”

  “Did Doctor Seuss

  Take thee unto a haberdashery,

  And afterward treat thee unto a meal

  3: Of em’rald chicken’s eggs and jambon vert?”

  4: “Whate’er.”

  “’Tis wherefore I have come unto this place,

  5: This refuge mine: Westside Pavilion mall.”

  “In simple letters, penn’d by tender hand,

  There was a verse of passing beauty writ,

  6: with signature of one Admirer Secret.”

  “We shall both read one book—not school assign’d—

  7: For education and enjoyment both.”

  “The way lads dress is nothing short of odd,

  8: As if they fell, like apples, from their beds…”

  “A chick doth signal me by feather shed.

  9: Perchance she’ll help me climb the pecking order.”

  “I’ll paint thee to appear as white as snow,

  10: Yet thou art flush’d, and must unwind thy nerves…”

  “I cannot stop our progress—we are bound

  11: Unto the boulevard, whatever will!”

  12: “Help! Stop, ye villains! Help! O, bring me up!”

  “Do thy words mean thou car’st for me as well?”

  13: “More care have I than I could ever tell.”

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  CHER, a young woman

  DIONNE, her friend

  TAI, Cher’s protégé

  JOSH, Cher’s ex-stepbrother

  MURRAY, Dionne’s paramour

  TRAVIS, a layabout

  ELTON, a brute

  CHRISTIAN, a fop

  AMBER, a bitter young woman

  SUMMER and LAWRENCE, students

  HEATHER, Josh’s sometime paramour

  MEL HOROWITZ, Cher’s father

  LADY TOBY GEIST, a schoolmarm

  MASTER WENDELL HALL, a scholar

  LUCY, a cleaning woman

  LADY STOEGER, a physical education teacher

  GAIL, Josh’s mother

  BALTHASAR, a musician

  JANE, a narrator

  VARIOUS PUPILS and INSTRUCTORS

  Beverly Hills, California, in the New World.

  Enter JANE, a narrator.

  JANE

  Cher—handsome, clever, rich—who had a home

  Most comfortable, a happy disposition,

  Seem’d to unite, wherever she did roam,

  The blessings of existence’s condition.

  She lived for some untrammel’d sixteen years

  Within the world, with little to distress

  Or vex her. Nothing brought her unto tears—

  Though on herself she could have ponder’d less.

  Her father treated her indulgently—

  Cher’s mother died too long ago for her

  To have any distinctive memory

  Of the caresses she did once confer.

  Behold what challenges to Cher arrive—

  The romance of a virgin who can’t drive.

  [Exit. />
  The Horowitz house and Bronson Alcott High School.

  Enter CHER, DIONNE, MURRAY, AMBER, and other STUDENTS at a party. Enter BALTHASAR aside, providing music.

  CHER

  [aside:] Noble patricians, patrons of my right,

  Belike ye look upon mine excesses—

  My friends and I all gather’d near the pool,

  Array’d in swimsuits, sun upon our backs,

  The very height of beauty, youth, and joy,

  No cares about the future, come what will—

  And wonder: hath I somehow stepp’d inside

  A strange advertisement for cleansing cream?

  Noxzema, goddess Greek of lasses pure,

  Hath no role in the drama that we play.

  Take mine assurance—nobles, groundlings both—

  I am a teenage girl of normal life,

  Who never look’d to rise above her place

  Or face the world with aught but normalcy.

  BALTHASAR

  [singing:] Behold, beyond the window, ’neath the sky,

  The rushing carriages do pass thee by,

  Whilst I do sit, to loneliness resign’d,

  And ponder wherefore questions fill my mind.

  ’Tis Friday night! I feel the soothing heat

  And search this filthy city for a beat—

  Downtown, the young ones go, hey nonny non,

  Downtown, the young ones grow, hey nonny hey!

  We are the children of America,

  The children we of new America.

  [Exeunt all but Cher.

  CHER

  My days are spent, I’ll wager, as yours are—

  Each morn I rise with brushing of the teeth,

  And choose my clothing for the day to come.

  So many dresses, doublets, pantaloons,

  Vests, girdles, hoop skirts, blouses, hose, and shoes—

  In combinations of the rainbow’s hues—

  That I must use a system most advanc’d

  To tell me whether what I did select

  Displays a fashion sense befitting of

  My reputation as a lady fine.

  Once I am satisfied my garments shall

  Give complement unto my disposition,

  I am prepar’d to say good morning to

  My father, Mel, a litigator he.

  His are the most ferocious types of lawyers—

  He chargeth forth with lawsuits like a knight

  And storms ten castles ere the noon bell rings.

  Our cleaning woman, Lucy, fears his strength,

  And rushes from him when he entereth.

  So skill’d my father is that he may charge

  Five hundred ducats should he choose to grant

  His talent, voice, and wisdom to your suit.

  ’Tis privilege to know the mighty man,

  And better yet to be his only daughter.

  He fighteth like a pugilist against

  His enemies across the courtroom floor—

  Yet though so many pay him for the honor,

  He fighteth me for free, no charge requir’d,

  For I am daughter to the mighty Mel.

  Enter MEL HOROWITZ. CHER hands him a glass of juice.

  MEL

  O, shall it ever be this juice with thee?

  CHER

  The vitamins the earth provides are vital

  If thou wouldst healthy be and healthy stay.

  A for thy teeth, thy bones, and tissue soft,

  B6 to keep thy brain in proper function,

  B12 for central nervous system health,

  C—in this juice—for gums and healing pow’r,

  D that thou mayst have calcium in full,

  E for thy red blood cells to form and thrive,

  K for coagulation of the blood.

  An alphabet of wonders natural

  That none but fools and scoundrels would disdain.

  Thou wouldst be none of these methinks, ’tis true?

  MEL

  Where is my satchel? I am late to leave.

  CHER

  Two months hath pass’d since we to Malibu

  Have ventur’d. Father, now the time hath come.

  MEL

  Did those two droning dismal-dreaming knaves

  Call on thee once again?

  CHER

  —They are thy parents,

  And thou dost owe them some allegiance, sir.

  They have begot thee, bred thee, lov’d thee; thou

  Return those duties back as are right fit:

  Obey them, love them, and most honor them.

  Today, thou must not slither from thine office

  Like serpents in the grass avoiding hawks.

  Good Doctor Lovett shall convene with thee—

  He hath consulted with th’apothecary

  And shall dispense thine influenza shot.

  MEL

  One shot unwelcome doth deserve another:

  My stepson Josh shall sup with us tonight.

  CHER

  Yet why?

  MEL

  —He is stepbrother unto thee.

  CHER

  Thou wert but married to his mum a trice

  Ere ye were justifiably divorc’d,

  Yet Josh hangs on like barnacle to rock.

  ’Twas five years hence, a length of time too long

  For him to still pursue a link with thee.

  Say wherefore, then, must I spend time withal?

  MEL

  Divorce is made for spouses, not for children.

  CHER

  Take thou thy juice and I’ll consider it.

  MEL

  Forget thy juice, and thou shalt still do so.

  [Exit Mel.

  CHER

  [aside:] He is a man of wondrous temper, yea,

  Yet also sparks of generosity.

  Did I yet show to ye the carriage he

  Hath giv’n to me upon my birthday last?

  [She reveals her carriage, climbs into it, and begins driving.

  In faith, this coach is loqu’d out in the height.

  Four wheels that do propel the cart along,

  Bags fill’d with air for safety on each side,

  A music box that traveleth beside

  As if an orchestra did with thee ride.

  No license have I thus to operate,

  Yet ’tis a learning vehicle, no more.

  The neighbors’ statuettes and planting boxes

  Athwart my passage stand at their own risk—

  When Cher doth hold the reins behind the wheel,

  Whate’er is not affix’d unto the earth

  May be in peril grave, I do confess.

  Arrive I presently to Dionne’s home—

  My closest friend and ally, verily.

  We have in common much, yet mainly this:

  The jealousy of many touches us—

  We know what ’tis to face the green-ey’d monster.

  Dionne and I were christen’d after two

  Fantastic singers of a bygone time,

  Who—in the present time—hath found their fame

  Upon the stages of the infomercials.

  Enter DIONNE, climbing into CHER’S carriage.

  DIONNE

  Holla, sweet Cher.

  CHER

  —My best, my darling mate!

  I must remark upon thy bravery

  That thou wouldst wear such frippery as this.

  Thou ever hadst courageous fashion efforts.

  DIONNE

  Thou likest, then, my hat?

  CHER

  —Did Doctor Seuss

  Take thee unto a haberdashery,

  And afterward treat
thee unto a meal

  Of em’rald chicken’s eggs and jambon vert?

  DIONNE

  Perhaps ’tis not the fashion of the day,

  Yet I—unlike thee, dear—skinn’d not a collie

  To fabricate a handbag.

  CHER

  —’Tis faux collie.

  I prithee, dog me not with mockery.

  DIONNE

  Didst see? Thou pass’d a sign that bid thee stop—

  ’Twas large and red, octagonally shap’d—

  Yet thou drove on like thou wert being chas’d.

  CHER

  A pause complete I register’d therein.

  DIONNE

  If thou shalt thus maintain, I’ll not gainsay,

  So loyal is my friendship unto thee.

  [They arrive at their school. A bell rings to summon Dionne.

  Eight-thirty on the instant and the ring

  Of Murray’s summons plays upon mine ears.

  The lad’s love for me riseth with the sun.

  Enter various STUDENTS swirling around them.

  CHER

  Belike he’d gladly make thee his possession,

  A gunnysack to carry by his side.

  DIONNE

  Thou hast it right—this weekend he did call

  Upon me, asking, “Whither art thou bound,

  And where hast been these several past hours?”

  Responded I, “At my grandmother’s house,

  Where o’er the river, through the woods I went—”

  CHER

  [aside:] ’Tis ever thus with Dionne and her Murray—

  The lovers e’er enact a drama vast,

  As if they were but actors on a stage,

  Their scenes with rage, desire, and passion writ,

  The world their audience, which hangs upon

  Each angry, tender word the players speak.

  Not since the households of Verona hath

  There been a tale of paramours as these.

  Belike they have too frequently observ’d

  The tale of Tina Turner and her Ike.

  Yet what’s love got to do with it? Speak not,

  ’Tis but my part to ask this question next:

  [To Dionne:] Dee, wherefore dost thou bear the horrid boy,

  For thou ’mongst women art a paragon

  And could choose any lad thou dost desire.

  DIONNE

  Tut! He approacheth suddenly.

  Enter MURRAY.

  MURRAY

  —My lass,