William Shakespeare's Tragedy of the Sith's Revenge Read online

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  Used under authorization.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2014953128

  eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-821-9

  Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-59474-808-0

  Text by Ian Doescher

  Illustrations by Nicolas Delort

  Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  v3.1

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Dramatis Personae

  Prologue

  Act I Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Act II Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Act III Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act VI Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Scene 7

  Act V Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  CHORUS

  RUMOR

  YODA, a Jedi Master

  OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi Knight

  ANAKIN SKYWALKER/DARTH VADER, his Jedi apprentice and later a Sith Lord

  MACE WINDU and KI-ADI-MUNDI, Jedi Masters

  PADMÉ AMIDALA, senator of Naboo

  CAPTAIN TYPHO, of Amidala’s guard

  BAIL ORGANA, senator of the Republic

  R2-D2, C-3PO, R4-P17, and R4-G9, droids

  COMMANDER CODY, of the Clone Troopers

  TARFFUL and CHEWBACCA, Wookiees of Kashyyyk

  TION MEDON, an administrator of Utapau

  BOGA, a varactyl lizard of Utapau

  CHANCELLOR PALPATINE/DARTH SIDIOUS, a Sith Lord

  COUNT DOOKU/DARTH TYRANUS, a Sith

  GENERAL GRIEVOUS, droid leader of the Separatist army

  MAS AMEDDA, vice chancellor of the Galactic Republic

  NUTE GUNRAY, viceroy of the Trade Federation

  WAT TAMBOR, SHU MAI, SAN HILL, and POGGLE THE LESSER, members of the Separatist Alliance

  SENATORS, PILOTS, GUARDS, DROIDS, MEMBERS OF THE JEDI ORDER, JEDI YOUNGLINGS, CLONE TROOPERS, PLAYERS, and WOOKIEES

  PROLOGUE.

  Outer space.

  Enter CHORUS.

  CHORUS

  “War!” is the cry that doth through space resound:

  The good Republic faces bold attack

  From Dooku, he whose evil doth abound.

  Yet heroes rise as each side fighteth back.

  Droid leader Gen’ral Grievous, he most vile,

  Hath enter’d—a new player on the scene.

  With movement swift and unexpected guile

  He hath made bold to kidnap Palpatine.

  Whilst o’er the capital, e’en Coruscant,

  The Sep’ratist droid army tries to flee,

  Two Jedi are dispatch’d upon a jaunt

  To set the hostage Palpatine full free.

  In time so long ago begins our play,

  In vengeful galaxy far, far away.

  [Exit.

  SCENE 1.

  On the Separatist ship.

  Enter CHANCELLOR PALPATINE on balcony, in chains.

  PALPATINE

  Hung be the heav’ns with black, yield day to night!

  The dark shall rise an ’twere a second sun.

  The course that I pursue doth run direct

  Betwixt these rival factions, which make war

  Upon the intrigues I myself have spread.

  The game is mine to win when I see fit,

  The deck is stack’d to mine advantage strong,

  For I have dealt the pack with cunning shrewd.

  I have, with care, a house of cards set up,

  That may, by merest exhale of my breath

  Be toppl’d—each card falling o’er its neighbor.

  The king, e’en Yoda, rallies all his troops,

  Whilst Anakin doth make off with the queen.

  Count Dooku, that black-suited knave, doth serve,

  Yet these most regal cards shall soon collapse

  Upon the very whim of my firm will.

  Yea, Palpatine still holds the ace, and waits

  His turn to play the trump and take the trick.

  Let these poor Jedi come to render aid;

  They shall within my shuffle soon be swept.

  [Exit Palpatine.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI with R4-P17 and ANAKIN SKYWALKER with R2-D2 in fighters, approaching the Separatist vessel.

  OBI-WAN

  A mighty battle over Coruscant!

  So many ships as though a million here

  Did fight above the planet’s atmosphere.

  Beset on ev’ry side by combat harsh,

  ’Tis difficult to tell who wins or loses.

  Yet how the skirmish ends is no concern

  Of ours, for we a nobler course pursue:

  The chancellor to rescue from the grasp

  Of Gen’ral Grievous, he of fitting name.

  ANAKIN

  Good Master Obi-Wan, I see the ship—

  The vessel wherein Grievous lays his claim—

  It lies directly forward in our path.

  Lock on, R2, we shall make our pursuit!

  Yet with some caution we must here proceed,

  For, lo, the ship is rife with vulture droids.

  OBI-WAN

  Forsooth, it is a simple-minded man

  Who says this mission shall be simple. Fie!

  Enter VULTURE DROIDS, attacking the Jedi’s fighters. Enter CLONE TROOPER PILOTS severally.

  VULTURES

  We swoop, we fly,

  Our foes shall die!

  OBI-WAN

  [into comlink:] Oddball, dost thou attend? Mark well my spot

  And form the squad behind whilst I approach.

  [Aside:] What odd, eccentric titles these clones have.

  TROOPER 1

  I come withal, good General Kenobi.

  The troops and I upon your will do wait.

  Now lock your S foils in attack position.

  ANAKIN

  The time of mirth and sport begins anon,

  For I do love a battle fought in space.

  OBI-WAN

  Pray, let the vulture droids fly in our midst.

  VULTURES

  Guard ye in back,

  We do attack!

  TROOPER 2

  E’en now they work me woe, I prithee get

  The awful beasties hence, away from me.

  ANAKIN

  I shall make way to help the trooper.

  OBI-WAN

  —Nay!

  They do their duty; so may we do ours.

  VULTURES

  We shoot our fire,

  You shall expire!

  ANAKIN

  ’Tis missiles they have launch’d with purpose rank.

  Pull up, so we the danger may avoid!

  OBI-WAN

  The fiends have overshot.

  ANAKIN

  —They do return:

  They seek the heat that powers our small ships.
<
br />   OBI-WAN

  R4, take thou evasive action, yet

  Do not evade thy senses as thou fliest.

  Be cautious—make our darting not too rough.

  ANAKIN

  Surge thou the power units, R2, then

  Make ready all our thrusters for reverse.

  This is but child’s play—these few missiles are

  No match for such a pilot as myself.

  Ha, ha! The missiles are confounded, see

  How they whirl and explode upon themselves!

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, beep, squeak, beep, whistle, whistle, whee!

  OBI-WAN

  Alas, I am beset by foes’ pursuit—

  ’Tis my belief this flying is for droids,

  For humans have no wings for taking flight.

  VULTURES

  We board your ship,

  We’ll cut, we’ll rip!

  OBI-WAN

  The beasties are upon me now!

  ANAKIN

  —I see,

  The buzz droids have assail’d your ship. I come!

  R4-P17

  Blip, bleep, zip, whoop!

  OBI-WAN

  —Take care, R4, thou hast—

  Alack, my noble droid, what have they done?

  [The vulture droids rip off R4-P17’s head, destroying him.

  They shall shut down all my controls, I fear.

  ANAKIN

  Steer starboard, such that I may clearly shoot.

  I’ll give them recompense for dear R4.

  OBI-WAN

  Nay, focus on the mission. Get to the

  Command ship, there to save the chancellor.

  I have but few tricks left unto me here.

  VULTURES

  Make haste, be done,

  And all is won!

  ANAKIN

  Nay, nay, good Master, mine aim is precise!

  [Anakin shoots, killing some vulture droids but also hitting Obi-Wan’s ship.

  OBI-WAN

  O, in the name of all that’s—cease at once!

  Hold thou thy fire, for thou dost give no help.

  ANAKIN

  Agreed, my Master, mine apologies.

  The hands were quick to act, but not the mind.

  OBI-WAN

  My flight is blind—my cockpit is a fog,

  A haze past which I scarce can see mine hand,

  Much less the vessel whereunto I fly.

  The vulture droids still make their harsh attack—

  This is, mayhap, the end of Obi-Wan.

  [Anakin pilots his ship next to Obi-Wan’s fighter.

  ANAKIN

  Move thou still rightward.

  OBI-WAN

  —Patience, Anakin!

  Else thou shalt be the end of both of us.

  Away, go hence, there’s nothing thou canst do.

  ANAKIN

  I shall not part without you, Master, nay!

  VULTURES

  They stay to fight,

  We’ll show our might!

  [A vulture droid moves from Obi-Wan’s ship to Anakin’s and takes its place in front of R2-D2.

  ANAKIN

  Pray finish it, R2, and slay the beast.

  OBI-WAN

  Be sure, small droid, thou aimest for its eye—

  The center of its head, its core, its life.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] Some droids are made for help, still others war,

  Some droids are made for service, some for pain.

  Yet these are droids whose only naughty task

  Is sheer destruction. Happily I turn

  Their tricks on them. Have at you, rotten scrap!

  [R2-D2 shocks the droid in its eye, and it falls.

  Beep, meep, squeak, whistle, hoo, meep, squeak, beep, beep!

  ANAKIN

  Well done, my noble droid. Thou didst succeed!

  OBI-WAN

  Our thanks, R2. Would that thy counterpart,

  R4-P17, had been so bold.

  Yet now is he another astromech

  Who is a casualty of bitter war.

  ANAKIN

  The general’s command ship lies ahead—

  Almost we have attain’d the place we seek.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] O! They have not yet seen! [To Anakin:] Nee, hoo, nee, squeak!

  OBI-WAN

  Dost thou not see the shields are still intact?

  ANAKIN

  Beg pardon, I did miss that small detail.

  [Anakin veers to avoid the shield.

  I strike upon the generator there!

  The shield that was their strength is now their loss.

  [The shield dissipates, but a blast door begins to lower, covering the bay.

  OBI-WAN

  From one snag to another we do fly.

  I have a feeling bad about this moment!

  ANAKIN

  Let us make haste, I’ll warrant we shall make’t!

  [Obi-Wan, Anakin, and R2-D2 land inside the command ship just as the blast door closes.

  Exeunt other combatants, including vulture droids.

  Enter BATTLE DROIDS.

  OBI-WAN

  I hurtle out, with Jedi acumen:

  My ship crash-landed, now I fight on foot.

  Come, lightsaber, into my steady hand,

  And slay the battle droids who gather ’round.

  [Obi-Wan jumps from his ship and begins fighting as Anakin and R2-D2 disembark.

  ANAKIN

  The vessel down, now I shall rise at once.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] I come, too, to supply what aid I may.

  DROID 1

  They do appear—slay them at once, my comrades!

  [The battle droids begin shooting at Anakin, who deflects their approach.

  ANAKIN

  Fall, useless droids, upon my saber’s touch!

  OBI-WAN

  I had almost forgot how weak they are,

  How simple to destroy by Jedi might.

  R2, to thy work—find the chancellor!

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, squeak, meep, whistle, whistle, nee!

  [Obi-Wan and Anakin vanquish all the battle droids. R2-D2 plugs into the ship’s computer and projects a model of the ship.

  OBI-WAN

  The signal of the chancellor doth come

  From there, nearby the top spire of the ship,

  Whereon the observation platform rests.

  ANAKIN

  I sense Count Dooku.

  OBI-WAN

  —Yea, I sense a trap.

  ANAKIN

  How shall we then proceed?

  OBI-WAN

  —Our enemies

  Have gone to all the trouble of a trap,

  Wherein they do most fondly hope we’ll step.

  ’Twould be impolitic of us to then

  Refuse their invitation. Aye, I say,

  We’ll spring their trap and see if it shall hold.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] Shall they go thither sans their loyal droid?

  [To Obi-Wan and Anakin:] Beep, meep?

  ANAKIN

  —I prithee, R2, stay thou here.

  OBI-WAN

  Take this comlink along with thee, R2,

  And here await our orders.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, meep, hoo!

  [Exit R2-D2.

  Enter GENERAL GRIEVOUS and his CAPTAIN above, on balcony.

  GRIEVOUS

  What is the situation, Captain, eh?

  CAPTAIN

  Two Jedi have made landing in the bay,

  Our hangar primary. We track them now.

  GRIEVOUS

  ’Tis just as wise Count Dooku did declare—

  His foresight does him credit, verily.

  [Exeunt General Grievous and captain.

  Enter DROIDEKAS, firing on OBI-WAN and ANAKIN.

  ANAKIN

  Look, Master, ’tis destroyers come for us.

  Belike our foes do know
that we are here.

  OBI-WAN

  Into the lift, and flee these brutal droids.

  [Exit droidekas as Obi-Wan and Anakin enter the lift.

  Enter BATTLE DROIDS, in lift.

  DROID 2

  Drop all your weapons on the instant, sirs.

  DROID 3

  Forsooth, forsooth.

  [Obi-Wan and Anakin quickly slay all the battle droids.

  OBI-WAN

  —’Tis nearly merriment,

  To ply our skill upon their feeble parts.

  [The lift suddenly stops.

  Hast thou depress’d the button for a stop?

  Or mayhap thou requested some sharp pause?

  ANAKIN

  Nay, sir, not I. And ’twas not your design?

  OBI-WAN

  Not I.

  ANAKIN

  —We shall another exit take,

  For ev’ry in doth have another out.

  [Anakin begins cutting the ceiling of the lift with his lightsaber.

  OBI-WAN

  Yet out is not my wish, for i would move.

  [Into comlink:] R2, canst thou now activate the lift,

  Which number’d is three-one-one-seven-four?

  Enter R2-D2 above, on balcony, hiding, as two SUPER BATTLE DROIDS enter with him.

  S. DROID 1

  Those are, indeed, two Jedi fighter ships.

  OBI-WAN

  Come in, R2.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] —Nay, not so loud, lest I

  Shall be discover’d where I am conceal’d.

  S. DROID 2

  What is that sound?