William Shakespeare's Star Wars Read online

  Copyright © 2013 Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.

  Used under authorization.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2012953985

  eISBN: 978-1-59474-655-0

  Designed by Doogie Horner

  Text by Ian Doescher

  Illustrations by Nicolas Delort

  Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  v3.1

  TO GRAHAM AND LIAM,

  MY YOUNG PADAWANS,

  AND JENNIFER, “BUT NEVER

  DOUBT I LOVE …”

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Dramatis Personae

  Prologue

  Act I

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Scene 7

  Act II

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act III

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Scene 7

  Scene 8

  Act IV

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Scene 7

  Act V

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Scene 6

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  CHORUS

  LUKE SKYWALKER, a boy of Tatooine

  OWEN LARS, his uncle

  BERU LARS, his aunt

  OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi knight

  PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA, of Alderaan

  HAN SOLO, a smuggler

  CHEWBACCA, a Wookiee and Han’s first mate

  DARTH VADER, a Sith Lord

  GOVERNOR TARKIN, of the Imperial army

  C-3PO, a droid

  R2-D2, his companion

  JABBA THE HUTT, a boss

  GREEDO, his bounty hunter

  WEDGE ANTILLES, a rebel pilot

  BIGGS DARKLIGHTER, a rebel pilot

  REBEL LEADERS, CHIEF PILOTS, STORMTROOPERS, CAPTAINS, COMMANDERS, ADMIRALS, GUARDS, JAWAS, DROIDS, TUSKEN RAIDERS, BAR PATRONS, IMPERIAL LEADERS, and REBEL PILOTS

  PROLOGUE.

  Outer space.

  Enter chorus.

  CHORUS It is a period of civil war.

  The spaceships of the rebels, striking swift

  From base unseen, have gain’d a vict’ry o’er

  The cruel Galactic Empire, now adrift.

  Amidst the battle, rebel spies prevail’d

  And stole the plans to a space station vast,

  Whose pow’rful beams will later be unveil’d

  And crush a planet: ’tis the DEATH STAR blast.

  Pursu’d by agents sinister and cold,

  Now Princess Leia to her home doth flee,

  Deliv’ring plans and a new hope they hold:

  Of bringing freedom to the galaxy.

  In time so long ago begins our play,

  In star-crossed galaxy far, far away.

  [Exit.

  SCENE 1.

  Aboard the rebel ship.

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.

  C-3PO Now is the summer of our happiness

  Made winter by this sudden, fierce attack!

  Our ship is under siege, I know not how.

  O hast thou heard? The main reactor fails!

  We shall most surely be destroy’d by this.

  I’ll warrant madness lies herein!

  R2-D2 —Beep beep,

  Beep, beep, meep, squeak, beep, beep, beep, whee!

  C-3PO —We’re doomed.

  The princess shall have no escape this time!

  I fear this battle doth portend the end

  Of the Rebellion. O! What misery!

  [Exeunt C-3PO and R2-D2.

  CHORUS Now watch, amaz’d, as swiftly through the door

  The army of the Empire flyeth in.

  And as the troopers through the passage pour,

  They murder sev’ral dozen rebel men.

  [Fighting begins.

  Enter REBELS. Many die. Enter STORMTROOPERS and DARTH VADER. Exeunt. Enter R2-D2 with PRINCESS LEIA. C-3PO is across the stage.

  C-3PO Pray, R2-D2, where art thou?

  [Exit Princess Leia.

  R2-D2—Beep, meep.

  C-3PO At last, where hast thou been? I fear they come

  In this direction. Pray, what shall we do?

  My circuitry o’erloads, my mind’s o’erthrown!

  And fear hath put its grip into my wires.

  We shall be sent unto that place I dread—

  The Kessel spice mines whence no droid returns—

  And there be blasted into who knows what!

  [R2-D2 begins to exit.

  Anon, anon, R2! Where dost thou go?

  O prithee, patience, leave me not alone.

  [Aside:] Aye, even though I mock and injure thee,

  I’ll surely die if e’er thou leavest me!

  [Exeunt droids.

  SCENE 2.

  Aboard the rebel ship.

  Enter DARTH VADER, carrying REBEL LEADER 1 by the neck, and STORMTROOPERS.

  REBEL 1 The Death Star plans we could not find herein,

  Nor are they on the main computer, Lord.

  In short, they are not here, and there’s an end.

  VADER Thou speakest well, my stormtrooper, and yet

  Not well upon my ear the message falls.

  I turn to thee, thou rebel. Aye, I lift

  Thy head above my own. Thou canst now choose

  To keep thy secrets lock’d safe in that head,

  And therefore lose the life thou holdest dear,

  Or else to keep thy head and, thus, thy life.

  My patience runneth quickly out much like

  The sands across the dunes of Tatooine.

  So tell me, else thou diest quick: where shall

  We find transmissions thou didst intercept?

  What hast thou done, say, with those plans?

  [Darth Vader begins to choke Rebel Leader 1.

  REBEL 1—My Lord,

  My head and life I value—certain ’tis!

  And yet to thee I must report we have

  Not intercepted one transmission! Ahh!

  This is a cons’lar ship, and nothing more,

  On diplomatic mission. Ugh!

  VADER—Thou knave!

  With thy last breath hear thou this word: if this

  Is but a cons’lar ship, then where is the

  ambassador? [Rebel Leader 1 dies.] Commander, prithee, go!

  Rend thou this ship apart until the plans

  Are found, and bring me any passengers—

  Upon thy life, I want them brought alive!

  [Exeunt stormtroopers.

  And so another dies by my own hand,

  This hand, which now encas’d in blackness is.

  O that the fingers of this wretched hand

  Had not the pain of suff’ring ever known.

  But now my path is join’d unto the dark,

  And wicked men—whose hands and fingers move
/>   To crush their foes—are now my company.

  So shall my fingers ever undertake

  To do more evil, aye, and this—my hand—

  Shall do the Emp’ror’s bidding evermore.

  And thus we see how fingers presage death

  And hands become the instruments of Fate.

  [Exit Darth Vader.

  Enter STORMTROOPERS, searching. Enter PRINCESS LEIA, holding a blaster.

  TROOPER 1 Aye, there is one. My comrades, set for stun!

  [Princess Leia shoots, Stormtrooper 1 dies.

  Stormtroopers stun Princess Leia.

  TROOPER 2 She shall be well. Go now, inform the dread

  Lord Vader we have caught a prisoner.

  [Aside:] And may Mos Eisley drinks flow swift and free

  When Vader grants rewards for work well done!

  [Exeunt stormtroopers with Princess Leia.

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2 as the latter enters escape pod.

  C-3PO Hold! Thou art not permitted to go in.

  Deactivated thou shalt surely be.

  R2-D2 Beep, beep, beep, meep!

  C-3PO —Thou shalt not label me

  A mindless, brute philosopher! Nay, nay,

  Thou overladen glob of grease, thou imp,

  Thou rubbish bucket fit for scrap, thou blue

  And silver pile of bantha dung! Now, come,

  And get thee hence away lest someone sees.

  R2-D2 Beep, meep, beep, squeak, beep, beep, beep, meep, beep, whee!

  C-3PO What secret mission? And what plans? What dost

  Thou talk about? I’ll surely not get in!

  [Sound of blast.

  I warrant I’ll regret this. So say I!

  [Exit C-3PO into escape pod.

  R2-D2 This golden droid has been a friend, ’tis true,

  And yet I wish to still his prating tongue!

  An imp, he calleth me? I’ll be reveng’d,

  And merry pranks aplenty I shall play

  Upon this pompous droid C-3PO!

  Yet not in language shall my pranks be done:

  Around both humans and the droids I must

  Be seen to make such errant beeps and squeaks

  That they shall think me simple. Truly, though,

  Although with sounds oblique I speak to them,

  I clearly see how I shall play my part,

  And how a vast rebellion shall succeed

  By wit and wisdom of a simple droid.

  [Exit R2-D2 into escape pod.

  CHORUS Now climb the metal pair into the pod,

  Which shooteth from the ship like laser blast.

  And to the planet’s face, as straight as rod,

  The capsule takes the droids by power vast.

  Enter CHIEF PILOT and CAPTAIN.

  PILOT There strays another one.

  CAPTAIN —Pray, hold thy fire:

  For certain there are no life forms aboard.

  And truly what may be the chance that aught

  But life alone could fly within that pod?

  The rebels could not be so cunning bold

  To put the Death Star plans therein. If I

  Were one to bet, I’d stake my life on it!

  All’s well that endeth well, so say the wise,

  And so that pod shall live to land below.

  [Exeunt chief pilot and captain.

  Enter DROIDS, aside in escape pod.

  C-3PO ’Tis but a jest—aye surely, we are mock’d!

  For R2-D2, plainly canst thou see

  The damage looks but minor from below.

  Can thou be sure this pod is safe?

  R2-D2 —Beep.

  C-3PO —O.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 3.

  Aboard the rebel ship.

  Enter DARTH VADER and STORMTROOPERS with PRINCESS LEIA.

  LEIA Darth Vader, only thou couldst be so bold.

  When first my ship was under siege, I knew

  ’Twas thee who had this peaceful vessel sack’d.

  Th’Imperi’l Senate shall not stand for this.

  For when they hear thou hast attack’d a ship

  On diplomatic mission—

  VADER —Highness, peace!

  Be thou not so surpris’d. For well thou knowst

  A mercy mission this was not, this time.

  Thine innocent appearance doth disguise

  A heart with revolution at its core.

  Aye, several transmissions were there beam’d

  Unto this ship by rebel spies. I want

  To know what happen’d to the plans they sent!

  And prithee, speak thou well, or speak thy last,

  For fairer necks than thine my hand hath crush’d.

  LEIA Thine idle threat is meaningless to me.

  My neck, my tongue, my mouth—these instruments

  Of speech have not the power to relate

  The knowledge that thou seek’st. For certain ’tis

  I nothing know of what thou ask of me.

  For I am but a member of the great

  Imperi’l Senate, bound for Alderaan

  On mission diplomatic.

  VADER —Nay, thou liest!

  For thou art with the reb’l alliance vile,

  And worse, a traitor! Take this one away!

  [Exeunt stormtroopers with Princess Leia.

  The blood and wires within me leap with fire

  When all these trait’rous words I must endure.

  Enter COMMANDER.

  COMMAND. Lord, holding her is dangerous. If word

  Of this is told, then sympathy may rise

  For the Rebellion in the Senate’s mind.

  So shall our pow’r o’er all the universe

  Be weaken’d by this wicked, cunning wretch.

  ’Tis like the tale my mother told me once

  Of bygone emperor whose reign was lost

  When putrid Ugnaughts rose against his throne.

  So hath my mother said, and I with her:

  A deathly blow oft comes from tiny fist,

  And greatest tree may fall by smallest axe.

  VADER Commander, peace, and trouble not thy mind

  With tales of old. The princess shall reveal

  Her treachery when all’s to do is done.

  The rebel spies are aptly traced to her,

  And now is she my only link to find

  The hidden rebel base.

  COMMAND. —I’ll wager she

  Will die ere she tells thee.

  VADER —Leave that to me.

  Now go, be on thy way, and take this task:

  Send thou a signal of distress, and then

  Inform the Senate all aboard were kill’d.

  So shall our presence here be hid from sight,

  And thus our swift attack shall not be known.

  Enter CAPTAIN.

  CAPTAIN Lord Vader, sorry am I to report:

  There are no battle plans aboard this ship,

  And neither were transmissions made. There was

  But one escape pod jettison’d amid

  The fighting. But no life forms were aboard.

  For certain ’twas a harmless accident.

  VADER With purpose rank must she have quickly hid

  The plans in the escape pod.

  CAPTAIN —Woman vile!

  Howe’er could she deceive my subtle mind?

  The plans in the escape pod! O, most rare!

  VADER Pray, cease thy speech and mark ye what I say:

  Take thou a keen and swift detachment down,

  And bring me back the plans. Commander, go!

  See to the task thyself, before the chime—

  There shall be none to stop our plan this time!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4.

  The desert planet Tatooine.

  CHORUS And now, dear viewers, shall our play go to

  A planet stark and drear for our next scene.

  Imagine sand and rocks within thy view.


  Prepare thy souls—we fly to Tatooine!

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.

  C-3PO Forsooth, how did we get into this mess?

  I tell thee verily, I know not how.

  A thousand tauntaun bow’ls could not produce

  A greater desecration than this place.

  Alas, we two are made for suffering—

  I fear, R2, ’tis but our lot in life.

  More than six million forms of speech I know,

  Yet not a one shall help me now.

  R2-D2 —Beep, beep.

  C-3PO Now must I rest before I come apart,

  My joints are nearly frozen! Aye, I freeze!

  For ’tis as though the vicious cold of death

  Hath sunken deep into my circuitry.

  O what a desolate terrain this is!

  [R2-D2 begins to depart.

  R2-D2 Beep, beep, beep, whistle, beep, beep, meep, beep, beep!

  C-3PO Where dost thou think thou goest?

  R2-D2 —Beep, beep, beep!

  [Aside:] Now shall I leave his company awhile—

  Belike my absence shall alleviate

  His obstinate resolve, and teach him thoughts

  Of kindness, care and good humility.

  C-3PO Well I shall not go thither with thee, droid!

  ’Tis far too rocky. Canst thou not perceive?

  Nay, truly. For the sun upon thy cold

  And hard exterior hath surely warp’d

  Thine often prudent mind. Pray, understand:

  The road herein is better far. Why dost

  Thou think that settlements will be found yon?

  R2-D2 Beep, beep.

  C-3PO —Be thou not technical with me,

  Or else thine input valve may swift receive

  A hearty helping of my golden foot.

  R2-D2 Beep, squeak.

  —What mission? What dost thou speak of?

  R2-D2 Squeak, squeak, beep.

  C-3PO —More of thee I shall not take.

  So, go thou hence! Thou shalt malfunction ere

  The day is through, nearsighted pile of scrap!

  Now may’st thou travel hence upon thy way

  And find thy mission in a sarlacc pit!

  Then shalt thou know for lo, these thousand years,

  The pain I suffer as thy counterpart!

  And be thou not behind me, arrant knave.

  Aye, mark me—follow not, nor seek thou help,

  For thou no satisfaction shalt receive.