William Shakespeare's the Jedi Doth Return (9781594747144) Read online

  Copyright © 2014 by Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All rights reserved.

  Used under authorization.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Number: 2013945949

  eBook ISBN: 978-1-59474-714-4

  Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-59474-713-7

  Text by Ian Doescher

  Illustrations by Nicolas Delort

  Hardcover Production management by John J. McGurk

  Quirk Books

  215 Church Street

  Philadelphia, PA 19106

  quirkbooks.com

  v3.1

  FOR BOB, MY DAD, WHO NE’ER CUT OFF MY HAND.

  FOR BETH, MY MOM, WHO NEVER WED MY UNCLE.

  AND FOR MY BROTHER ERIK, WHO NE’ER TRIED

  (AS LEIA DID) TO KISS A BROTHER’S LIPS.

  Contents

  Cover

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Dramatis Personae

  Prologue

  Act I

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Scene 5

  Act II

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act III

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Act IV

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Act V

  Scene 1

  Scene 2

  Scene 3

  Scene 4

  Afterword

  Acknowledgments

  About the Authors

  DRAMATIS PERSONAE

  CHORUS

  LUKE SKYWALKER, a Jedi trainee

  GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI, a Jedi Knight

  YODA, a Jedi Master

  PRINCESS LEIA ORGANA, of Alderaan

  HAN SOLO, a rebel captain

  CHEWBACCA, his Wookiee and first mate

  C-3PO, a droid

  R2-D2, his companion

  LANDO OF CALRISSIAN, a scoundrel

  MON MOTHMA, leader of the Rebel Alliance

  ACKBAR AND MADINE, rebel leaders

  WEDGE ANTILLES, a rebel pilot

  NIEN NUNB, a rebel pilot

  EMPEROR PALPATINE, ruler of the Empire

  DARTH VADER, a Sith Lord

  JERJERROD and PIETT, gentlemen of the Empire

  JABBA OF THE HUTT, a gangster

  BIB FORTUNA, Jabba’s man

  SALACIOUS CRUMB, Jabba’s fool

  BOBA FETT, a bounty hunter

  THE MAX REBO BAND, Jabba’s palace musicians

  EV-9D9, a droid in Jabba’s service

  RANCOR, a monster in Jabba’s service

  THE RANCOR KEEPER, its owner

  REBEL PILOTS, TROOPS, EWOKS, GAMORREAN GUARDS, JABBA’S COURTIERS, BOUNTY HUNTERS, IMPERIAL TROOPS, SCOUTS, OFFICERS, COMMANDERS, CONTROLLERS, GUARDS, ROYAL GUARDS, and SOLDIERS

  PROLOGUE.

  Outer space.

  Enter CHORUS

  CHORUS

  O join us, friends and mortals, on the scene—

  Another chapter of our cosmic tale.

  Luke Skywalker returns to Tatooine,

  To save his friend Han Solo from his jail

  Within the grasp of Jabba of the Hutt.

  But while Luke doth the timely rescue scheme,

  The vile Galactic Empire now hath cut

  New plans for a space station with a beam

  More awful than the first fear’d Death Star’s blast.

  This weapon ultimate shall, when complete,

  Mean doom for those within the rebel cast

  Who fight to earn the taste of freedom sweet.

  In time so long ago begins our play,

  In hope-fill’d galaxy far, far away.

  SCENE 1.

  Inside the second Death Star.

  Enter DARTH VADER and MOFF JERJERROD.

  VADER

  Cease to persuade, my grov’ling Jerjerrod,

  Long-winded Moffs have ever sniv’ling wits.

  ’Tis plain to me thy progress falls behind

  And lacks the needed motivation. Thus,

  I have arriv’d to set thy schedule right.

  JERJERROD

  Aye, we are honor’d by your presence, Lord.

  To have you here is unexpected joy.

  VADER

  Thou mayst dispense with ev’ry pleasantry.

  Thy fawning words no int’rest hold for me.

  So cease thy prating over my arrival

  And tell me how thou shalt correct thy faults.

  JERJERROD

  I tell thee truly, Lord, my men do work

  As quickly as each one is capable—

  No more is possible for them to do.

  VADER

  Mayhap I shall find new, creative ways

  To motivate them.

  JERJERROD

  —Lord, I’ll warrant that

  The station shall be operational

  Within the date and time that have been set.

  Upon my honor I may make such claim.

  VADER

  The Emperor, however, doth not share

  Thine optimistic attitude thereon.

  JERJERROD

  But, Lord, he doth expect th’impossible!

  I need more bodies to fulfill this task.

  If I had but a hundred able souls

  To work alongside those already here,

  ’Twould be far simpler to complete the work

  And make this Death Star ready when ’tis due.

  VADER

  Thou wilt have opportunity to ask

  The Emp’ror for these further workers, for

  He shall arrive upon the Death Star soon.

  JERJERROD

  [ aside:] O news that fills my heart with utter dread!

  [ To Darth Vader:] The Emperor himself shall come here?

  VADER

  —Aye.

  Displeasèd is he with thy thorough lack

  Of progress on this station incomplete.

  JERJERROD

  Our efforts shall be doubled instantly!

  VADER

  I do hope so, Commander, for thy sake—

  The Emperor is known for being less

  Forgiving than myself. Pray, is that clear?

  JERJERROD

  It is, Lord Vader, perfectly. Thy words

  I hear and shall obey. With gratitude

  I praise thee for thine honesty herein.

  [Exit Moff Jerjerrod.

  VADER

  The scene is set for this, the final act.

  I shall destroy the rebels, one and all,

  And turn young Luke, my son, unto the dark.

  It is the role I play, my destiny—

  The grand performance for which I am made.

  Come, author of the dark side of the Force,

  Make me the servant of thy quill and write

  The tale wherein my son and I are seal’d

  As one. Come, take mine ev’ry doubt from me,

  And fashion from my heart of flesh and wires

  A perfect actor: callous, cold, and harsh.

  Let this, the second Death Star, be the stage,

  And all the galaxy be setting to

  The greatest moment of my narrative:

  The scene in which the Empire’s fight is won

  Whilst I decide the Fate of mine own son.

  [Exi
t Darth Vader.

  SCENE 2.

  The desert planet Tatooine, at Jabba’s Palace.

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.

  C-3PO

  Again, R2, we are on Tatooine.

  I would not e’er have ventur’d to return

  Unto this place most desolate and wild,

  Except that Master Luke hath sent us here

  Upon an errand. Yet I know not what

  Our message is, but only that I should

  To Jabba of the Hutt deliver it.

  O place most barren—I have miss’d thee not.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak?

  C-3PO

  —Indeed I am afraid, R2,

  And so shouldst thou be, too, for Lando of

  Calrissian and brave Chewbacca ne’er

  Return’d from here.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, whistle, squeak.

  C-3PO

  —Be not

  So certain, R2, for if thou didst know

  But half of all that I have heard about

  This Jabba of the Hutt—his cruelty, how

  He tortures innocents, and all the beasts

  He keeps to do his will—belike thou wouldst

  Short-circuit.

  R2-D2

  —Hoo.

  [They approach the door of Jabba’s palace.

  C-3PO

  —And now we have arriv’d.

  But art thou sure this is the place, R2?

  Mayhap ’tis best if I do knock? [ He knocks.] Alas,

  There’s none to see us in, so let us go!

  Enter GUARD DROID on the other side of door.

  DROID

  [ aside:] Now here’s a knocking, indeed! If a droid

  Were porter of the Force here in this place,

  He should have rust for lack of turning key.

  I pray, remember the poor porter droid.

  [ To C-3PO and R2-D2:] N’getchoo gadda gooda, einja meh.

  C-3PO

  My goodness! What foul greeting’s this? [ To droid:] R2-D2wah.

  DROID

  —Haku! Danna mee bicchu.

  C-3PO

  Bo C-3POwah, ey.

  DROID

  —Ai waijay uh.

  C-3PO

  Odd toota mischka Jabba o du Hutt.

  DROID

  Kuju gwankee? Mypee gaza, ho ho!

  C-3PO

  Methinks they shall not let us in, what shame!

  Still, well may it be said that we have tried,

  For never would I give up easily

  When sent forth on a task by Master Luke.

  Yet we have tried and were refusèd here,

  Thus, who could blame us for departing hence?

  Let us depart now, aye, together fly!

  [The door opens.

  O pity, it doth open and release

  Mine utmost fears. Now must we venture in.

  R2-D2

  [ aside:] My friend C-3PO was never for

  His courage known. So shall I lead, as e’er

  I have been wont to lead, into this place

  Although I too feel fear. [ To C-3PO:] Beep, whistle, squeak!

  C-3PO

  O, R2, wait for me! O dear! We should

  Not rush, like fools, unto this scene. O my!

  Enter GAMORREAN GUARDS and Bib Fortuna.

  BIB

  Tay chuda! Nuh die wanna wanga?

  C-3PO

  —O!

  Die wanna waugow. [ Translating:] “We bring unto thy

  Dread master Jabba of the Hutt a message.”

  BIB

  E Jabba wanga?

  R2-D2

  —Squeak!

  C-3PO

  —[ translating:] “A gift as well.”

  [ To R2-D2:] Wait, R2, pray, what dost thou mean, “a gift”?

  Good Master Luke hath spoken not of “gift.”

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, meep.

  BIB

  —Nee Jab’ no badda; ees

  Eye oh toe. Zah kotah amutti mi’.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, nee, whistle, hoo.

  C-3PO

  —He doth report

  That we are not to give the message to

  A soul, save Jabba of the Hutt himself.

  G. GUARD 1

  Grrf, mik.

  C-3PO

  —Pray, patience; he quite stubborn is

  When fac’d with matters such as these.

  BIB

  —Nudd chaa!

  [Bib Fortuna motions for the droids to follow.

  C-3PO

  R2, I feel a shaking in my core

  O’er this dread situation we are in.

  Enter Jabba of THE HUTT, BOBA FETT, the MAX REBO BAND,

  SALACIOUS CRUMB, LANDO OF CALRISSIAN in disguise, and other members of Jabba’s court.

  JABBA

  Ahho, nee jann bah naska ahho bah.

  BIB

  Kada no pase.

  C-3PO

  —Good morning.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, meep, squeak!

  BIB

  Neh bo shuhadda mana.

  JABBA

  —Ahh, shihu.

  C-3PO

  I prithee, R2, play the message now.

  The sooner we’ll be on our merry way.

  JABBA

  Bo shuda!

  R2-D2

  —Beep, meep, whistle.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER, in beam.

  LUKE

  —Greetings, O

  Exalted Jabba of the Hutt. Allow

  Me to make introduction unto thee:

  My name is Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight