William Shakespeare's the Taming of the Clueless Read online

  Wouldst make this carriage be thy murder weapon?

  CHER

  Alas, ’twas my fault wholly.

  INSTRUCT.

  —What is this?

  This pretense unto driving doth not make

  Thee yet a driver—thou art not allow’d

  To take both lanes, as if thou wert King Henry

  And these two lanes were France and England both.

  As I declar’d before, pull thou into

  The lane upon the right, and do so now.

  [Cher pulls into the lane, but in doing so strikes a parked carriage.

  Nay, not so quickly! Wouldst thou slay us both?

  Thou dost more damage than a hurricane!

  CHER

  Should I leave them a note, to say ’twas me?

  INSTRUCT.

  Pull over here; the carriage stop anon.

  [Cher stops the carriage at the side of the lane. Exeunt other drivers and pedestrians.

  CHER

  Shall we drive elsewhere, that thou mayst observe

  How skill’d I am at making left-hand turns?

  INSTRUCT.

  We shall return unto thy house at once—

  My hands grasp’d firmly on the reins, not thine.

  [He takes the reins and begins driving the back to Cher’s house.

  CHER

  The test is over?

  INSTRUCT.

  —Thankfully, ’tis so.

  CHER

  Did I, then, pass th’examination, sir?

  INSTRUCT.

  Consult we two the notes that I have made—

  Thou shalt know whether thou hast made the grade.

  Point one: thou art a failure at the art

  Of parking carriages upon the road.

  Point two: thou causest great catastrophes

  When thou attempt’st to switch betwixt two lanes.

  Point three: thou art a threat to humankind

  When thou dost try to make a right-hand turn.

  Point four: thou damag’st private property

  As thou dull-wittedly dost drive along.

  Point five: thou nearly kill’d a human soul

  By striking them withal thy vehicle.

  Concluding point: were I a betting man,

  I’d venture thou hast fail’d th’examination.

  CHER

  Ha, failure? Nay, be merciful, say “death.”

  For failure hath more terror in his look,

  Much more than death; do not say I have fail’d!

  O, may we not begin again, I pray—

  A problem personal doth plague my soul,

  Which causeth me to drive with care too short.

  Thou saw’st how the pedestrian appear’d

  As though they had been conjur’d from the air—

  A rabbit pull’d from a magician’s hat!

  Grant me another chance, and thou shalt see

  That I shall concentrate most ardently.

  In general, I am a driver skill’d!

  Is there not someone else to whom I may

  Converse, complain, convince, and make my case—

  Thy supervisor, mayhap? For thou canst

  Not be the be-all and the end-all in

  The issuing of driver’s licenses!

  INSTRUCT.

  As far as thou concernèd are, rash girl,

  I am Messiah of all licensing,

  The lord and savior of the driving world,

  The alpha and omega of thy chances.

  [They arrive at Cher’s house.

  Pray, disembark. Thou shalt not drive today.

  [Cher gets out of the carriage and walks into her house. Exit instructor.

  CHER

  It beggars all belief that I did fail!

  Ne’er have I met a failure that I could

  Not argue my way therefrom. Is this how

  Most ordinary human beings feel?

  Enter TAI and JOSH, playing a game together. TAI holds a box.

  TAI

  Holla, thou art return’d!

  JOSH

  —Cher, welcome home—

  Apologies for how we parted ways.

  How doth it feel to have thy driver’s license?

  CHER

  Those fine sensations I cannot describe;

  I fail’d my test.

  TAI

  —O Cher, my sympathy.

  CHER

  Josh, spare me all thy lecturing profound

  Upon the subject of the art of driving—

  How ’tis a vast responsibility

  At which, by feigning, one shall not succeed.

  JOSH

  Thou drivest ev’ry thought thereof from me—

  Those words are thine, not mine.

  CHER

  —Thy thoughts speak loud

  Enow that I may clearly hear the words.

  TAI

  Cher, let us talk awhile, for I have aught

  That I would show thee, which may change thy mien.

  JOSH

  ’Tis my cue, then, to bid you both farewell.

  [Exit Josh. Cher and Tai sit next to the fireplace.

  TAI

  I am most sorry, hearing of thy test,

  Yet am so glad thou hast, at length, arriv’d.

  There is a deed that doth fulfillment need,

  But I’d not undertake it sans thine aid.

  Canst sparkle still the right Promethean fire?

  CHER

  Indeed. One moment, and we shall have flames.

  [Cher lights the fire.

  The box thou carriest—what is therein?

  TAI

  ’Tis some few trifles that bring Elton to

  My mind, and we two—like Pandora—shall

  Discover ev’ry evil held within.

  Unlike the lass of old, though, we’ll not set

  Them free upon the world, but burn them in

  The pyre and so release me of their woes.

  My heart hath mov’d beyond him, I am sure.

  CHER

  Let it be open’d!

  TAI

  —Dost thy mind recall

  The party in the Valley, where a shoe

  Did strike upon my pate and knock me cold?

  Kind Elton brought a tow’l with ice to help.

  CHER

  [aside:] ’Twas Travis who brought ice, as I recall.

  TAI

  I was embarrass’d, at the time, to tell,

  But I brought home the tow’l as souvenir.

  [Tai pulls the towel from the box and throws it on the fire.

  CHER

  Thou art in jest! A towel?

  TAI

  —Even so!

  Remember thou the song that play’d whilst we

  Were dancing happily together, he

  And I—’twas that “roll with the homies” song?

  CHER

  A tune forgettable, and I’d forgot.

  TAI

  In sentiment, I did the music buy,

  And play’d it over nearly ev’ry night.

  CHER

  Tai, I am happy for thee. Tell me, what

  Brought on this swelling of empowerment?

  TAI

  I met a man whose character amazeth,

  Who makes rank Elton seem most loserly.

  CHER

  News wonderful!

  TAI

  —Wilt thou help me win Josh?

  CHER

  To win Josh what? Thou wouldst win him a prize?

  TAI

  My meaning is as plain as my delight—

  I like him; gladly would I be with him.

  CHER

 
Think’st thou his disposition’s mutual?

  TAI

  Yea, I do spy some marks of love in him.

  CHER

  What signs or signals hath he given thee?

  TAI

  The littlest items speak with loudest voice:

  He findeth ways to touch or tickle me.

  Recall when we were, lately, at the fest,

  And I felt lost, forsaken, and depress’d—

  He rescu’d me by asking me to dance,

  And whilst we danc’d he flirted like a child.

  Thy face, though, looketh pale—say, art thou well?

  CHER

  I shall be. [Aside:] Nay, I cannot tell the truth.

  [To Tai:] Two mochaccinos did I have, which was

  At least one drink too many—I may burst!

  TAI

  The feeling is precisely known to me—

  The other day, as I convers’d with Josh,

  We did discuss the difference betwixt

  The girls of high school versus college girls.

  The girls of college paint their faces less,

  Which is why lads prefer them over us—

  CHER

  Tai, dost thou think that Josh and thou will work?

  Is it a pairing made for tales of love?

  He is a bookworm, nerdy in the height.

  TAI

  Have I a head of air, and nothing more?

  Dost think me challeng’d mentally?

  CHER

  —Nay, no!

  Those words are thine, not mine.

  TAI

  —Then, dost thou mean

  My status is not high enow for Josh?

  CHER

  You two shall not mesh well together, Tai—

  ’Tis like the one is oil, the other water.

  TAI

  Thou dost believe we never shall mesh well?

  Why do I listen to thee anywise?

  A virgin with no driver’s license, thou.

  CHER

  ’Tis wondrous harsh, past all necessity.

  TAI

  Apologies that I struck thee so low.

  Let us attempt another parley once

  Our strong emotions mellow for a spell.

  Time heals all wounds, so doth the saying go.

  Until that moment, I bid thee adieu.

  [Exit Tai.

  CHER

  What have I done to my relationships?

  Tai is a monster of mine own design,

  A Gorgon with a steely-ey’d resolve.

  My gorge is rising, mighty chunks therein,

  That I shall vomit if I get not air—

  I must outside, and rest myself awhile.

  [She walks outside, through the streets.

  All that I think and do is proven wrong!

  Wrong over Elton and his purposes,

  Wrong over Christian and what he desires,

  Wrong over Josh and how I should treat him.

  To one conclusion doth the kettle boil,

  Which bubbles over with its meaning plain:

  I am a clueless lass, and nothing more!

  The Josh and Tai romance, if it be so,

  Hath overwrought my mind enormously.

  Why should I be concern’d? Tai is my friend!

  I never shall begrudge her happiness—

  If she has suitors, should I not be glad?

  Why hath she, though, besotted been with Josh?

  He dresseth like a jester wanting laughs,

  He listeneth to music horrible,

  He is not even cute, convention’lly.

  He is more slug than man, who hangs around

  The house and bothers me with teasing jibes.

  How I recall our scenes domestic, he

  With mouth stuff’d full of savory delights.

  He hath no sense of rhythm, cannot dance—

  In sooth, I could not take him anywhere.

  Before mine eyes I see him at the party,

  As he did jump around with bunny hops.

  Yet, wherefore do I stress about him so?

  This is but Josh. Indeed, he is a Baldwin—

  With Alec’s gentle smile and lovely hair,

  And William’s youthfulness and sense of style,

  With Stephen’s frame and utter goofiness,

  And Daniel’s reticence and striking eyes.

  My heart hath memoriz’d his lovely smile,

  Like light that brightens up the darkest room.

  What joy, though, would he find in Tai’s embrace?

  What could he see in her, a simple girl,

  He who is older, more intelligent.

  Mayhap he hath the sculptor’s eye, which sees

  Not lump of rock but beauty just beneath,

  And then by skill reveals a work of art.

  Methinks she would not make him happy long—

  Josh needeth someone with imagination,

  A person who can render him the care

  He needs, for in some areas he’s weak,

  E’en someone who will laugh at all his jests,

  Though some deserve but little merriment.

  A-ha! The truth is on me suddenly—

  [The fountain behind Cher suddenly springs forth with water and light.

  Eureka, I have fall’n in love with Josh!

  Josh, he whom I have known since I was small,

  Who tickles me and jabs me when nearby,

  Who gives me cause to smile when I am sad,

  Whose presence is a comfort in itself,

  Who help’d me learn to drive my carriage well,

  Whom I do dearly love to torment so,

  Who, all these years, hath been a friend to me—

  By heaven, it is he I love, none other!

  Completely, totally, and majorly

  My heart doth move toward him utterly!

  [Exit.

  The Horowitz house.

  Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.

  BALTHASAR

  [singing:] When I was younger, needed I no one

  And making love was sport I plied for fun—

  Those days are gone,

  I live alone.

  I think of all the friends whom I have known

  But when I call on them they are not home,

  All by myself, I would not be

  All by myself, I should not be.

  [Exit Balthasar.

  Enter CHER and JOSH. They sit together, reading sections of a newspaper, but she appears bewildered and rigid.

  CHER

  [aside:] Now that I know the yearnings of my heart,

  How shall I act when I am near my Josh?

  In ordinary circumstances, I

  Would strut, like pretty-plumèd peacock—by

  His side, array’d in garments au courant,

  Would send myself bouquets or chocolates,

  Yet how can I ply petty games with Josh?

  JOSH

  What is the matter, Cher?

  CHER

  —What meanest thou?

  JOSH

  Thy wont is to be noisier than this—

  Thou art as silent as a mouse in church.

  Here we have sat awhile, yet thou hast not

  Discuss’d the Real World goings-on as yet.

  CHER

  The real world doth present itself in news—

  Reports of all the sadness of the globe,

  Which I attend with open, eager ears.

  JOSH

  This is a change—news ne’er did int’rest thee,

  Or such thou ever didst report to me.

  CHER

  Now have I chang’d.

  JOSH

  —Yet thou dost look con
fus’d.

  CHER

  Methought they had declar’d a final peace

  For all who dwell within the Middle East,

  Yet these reports describe more skirmishes

  Among the peoples of those nations proud.

  JOSH

  [aside:] Was e’er a silly mind so beautiful,

  So simple, and so open unto hope?

  [To Cher:] I must to class. ’Til later, au revoir.

  [Exit Josh. Cher begins pacing in front of her father’s office.

  Enter MEL HOROWITZ.

  MEL

  Cher, come thou hither.

  [Cher goes to him.

  CHER

  —Father, what is it?

  MEL

  Unless thou hast into a vulture turn’d—

  Which paceth to and fro and back and forth

  Until a living animal hath turn’d

  To carrion that sates the appetite—

  Thou shouldst not tut about like one who waits.

  Hast thou some matter burning in thy heart

  That causeth thee to fret and sigh and groan?

  Why dost thou dance athwart my office door

  As if thou had some issue to discuss

  Yet wert afraid to bring the matter forth?

  CHER

  Naught, nay, not I. Mere help I’d proffer thee,

  If thou hadst any task for mine employ.

  MEL

  A gracious and most admirable lass—

  Thou canst give aid, if thou art willing. See,

  Here is a deposition for review.

  Look carefully upon the records here—

  Each time thou comest on a dialogue

  That happen’d on September third last year,

  Take thou the quill and make thy mark beside,

  That later we may spot it easily.

  September third—no other date but this.

  CHER

  I understand and shall fulfill the task.

  [Cher takes the papers and the quill and begins working.

  MEL

  [aside:] To have my daughter working by my side—

  Was ever father fortunate as I?

  In all my visions of a future time,

  Ne’er did I dare to hope it would be thus.

  [To Cher:] ’Tis somewhat fun, is’t not?

  CHER

  —I would not call

  My friends together for a game like this,

  Yet ’tis a task agreeable enow.

  May I ask, Father: didst thou ever have

  A problem that thou couldst not argue thy

  Way therefrom? Hast thou ever met with such?

  MEL

  [aside:] My guileless daughter is as plain to read

  As volumes set in letters printed large—

  I knew there was some matter on her heart.

  [To Cher:] Tell me the problem and, together, we

  Shall figure out the argument it needs.

  CHER