William Shakespeare's Tragedy of the Sith's Revenge Read online

OBI-WAN

  —Canst hear me, R2? Fie!

  [R2-D2 puts the comlink inside himself to muffle the sound.

  S. DROID 1

  ’Tis naught of interest—back to thy work!

  OBI-WAN

  Pray activate three-one-one-seven-four.

  [A part of the lift’s ceiling falls after being cut by Anakin’s lightsaber. He leaps on top of the lift.

  ANAKIN

  Thus am I out, and in the shaft may find

  New possibilities for our escape.

  OBI-WAN

  [aside:] The youth is ever on the move, ’tis true.

  [Into comlink:] R2, canst thou hear me? Pray, activate—

  [R2-D2 plugs into the ship’s computer, and Obi-Wan’s lift begins to fall.

  ANAKIN

  I leap unto a ledge in time, but O—

  My Master falleth in the metal lift.

  OBI-WAN

  R2, stop now! I need not down, but up!

  R2-D2

  [aside:] My clumsy circuits—Master, pray forgive!

  S. DROID 1

  Oi there! Thou tiny droid, what is’t thou dost?

  R2-D2

  [aside:] I must make haste, before these giant droids

  Do make defeat of little R2’s life.

  [The elevator stops suddenly and changes direction.

  OBI-WAN

  I’ll warrant that my guts another shift—

  Of up and down or down and up again—

  Shall not endure without some vital cost.

  In short: I shall be sick if this doth last.

  [Into comlink:] Well done, R2, thou hast it turn’d aright.

  [R2-D2 is seized by Super Battle Droid 2.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak! [Aside:] My deed is done, but woe is me!

  S. DROID 2

  Thou foolish, naughty, ill-constructed droid!

  Enter BATTLE DROIDS at the shaft door, where ANAKIN SKYWALKER hangs.

  DROID 4

  Your hands aloft be rais’d, you Jedi Knight.

  [The battle droids realize that the lift is coming toward them.

  ANAKIN

  Your timing hits the mark, good Obi-Wan.

  DROID 5

  Our triumph turns to terror—so, farewell!

  [As the lift passes by, the battle droids are crushed, and Anakin jumps inside with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan brandishes his lightsaber.

  OBI-WAN

  What’s this, mine enemy? O, anakin,

  ’Tis well to see thee—thou art not some foe.

  I shall put my blue-lighted friend away.

  ANAKIN

  Indeed, good Master, stow your lightsaber,

  Lest one is injur’d by this friend of yours—

  Do not, when you are scared, turn on your friend.

  OBI-WAN

  No; thou shalt.

  ANAKIN

  —What hath so unnerv’d you, sir?

  OBI-WAN

  R2 hath—

  ANAKIN

  —Prithee, keep your loose-wire japes

  Unto yourself, my Master.

  OBI-WAN

  —Spoke I aught?

  ANAKIN

  The droid doth verily try best he can.

  OBI-WAN

  I said naught. Yet thy words are true: the droid

  Is sometimes very trying.

  [On the balcony, R2-D2 sprays oil into Super Battle Droid 1’s eyes.

  S. DROID 1

  —O, mine eyes!

  Thou wretched, impish droid, I’ll see thee scrap.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] The oil was but the prelude to my tricks,

  Feel ye my rockets as they fuel the flame.

  S. DROID 2

  Undone by such an astromech? For shame!

  [R2-D2 engages his rockets, burning the oil below him and setting the two super battle droids aflame, destroying them. Exit R2-D2.

  ANAKIN

  We have arriv’d—the upper chamber’s here.

  OBI-WAN

  If Palpatine hath set his signal right,

  We shall discover him beyond these doors.

  [Exeunt Obi-Wan and Anakin.

  Enter RUMOR.

  RUMOR

  The players are in place, regard our scene:

  Here Rumor shall begin her trickery.

  E’en as the Jedi draw to Palpatine,

  Forsooth, they’ll meet a well-known enemy.

  Anon Count Dooku comes, with prideful nerve,

  Look on as he doth enter in the fray.

  Lo, as they fight, the chancellor observe—

  Behold his true intentions on display:

  E’er posing as a friend to calm and peace,

  Great evil, by his cunning, doth he plot.

  Indeed, this Palpatine shall never cease,

  Not till he hath a mighty empire wrought.

  Now watch as Palpatine, through words, doth lead

  E’en such a one as Anakin t’ward hate:

  To satisfy his vile, insatiate greed,

  He knits the threads of Anakin’s dark fate.

  [Exit Rumor.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI and ANAKIN SKYWALKER. Enter CHANCELLOR PALPATINE severally, in chains.

  ANAKIN

  None here—this rescue hath too much of ease.

  OBI-WAN

  Brave Chancellor, the Council hath sent us.

  ANAKIN

  Say, are you well? Hath some foul injury

  Befallen your esteem’d and noble self?

  PALPATINE

  I’m well, but lo: Count Dooku comes anon.

  Enter COUNT DOOKU.

  OBI-WAN

  This time, young Anakin, let us attack

  As one, and not be led by passions hot,

  Which did embroil thee last time in their snare.

  If thou dost need a reason, look no more

  Than to thine hand, which paid the costly price

  For all thy rage and disposition fierce.

  ANAKIN

  Wise Master, you have ta’en the words from mine

  Own mouth—let us coordinate this strike

  Together, that we may Count Dooku thwart.

  PALPATINE

  Call ye for help, you two are not his match;

  This evil man’s a dark lord of the Sith.

  OBI-WAN

  With due respect, O, Chancellor, Sith Lords

  The keenest object of our study are.

  We two are specialists in their domain,

  And shall our education put to use

  As we do vanquish this one by the book.

  DOOKU

  You are no teacher, Obi-Wan, and so

  A lesson unto you I’ll gladly teach.

  Give me your sabers, else you shall be school’d.

  We would not have your quick tutorial

  End in some mess the chancellor must see.

  OBI-WAN

  You are outclass’d this time, Count Dooku, and

  Shall not escape th’instruction we shall give.

  DOOKU

  Then let the seminar begin, and we

  Shall see which pupil stands when all is done.

  I’ faith, I have look’d forward to this fight.

  [They duel.

  ANAKIN

  My powers have grown double since we last

  Did meet upon the Geonosian tow’rs.

  DOOKU

  ’Tis well, impulsive, brash young Anakin:

  When pride is doubl’d, twice the fall doth follow.

  PALPATINE

  [aside:] The fools do fight, and both fight for my cause,

  Though none do know the double game I play.

  Whoe’er the victor is, ’tis I who win.

  [They duel again. Count Dooku uses the Force to push Obi-Wan aside, and he falls, unconscious.

  DOOKU

  Thus falls Kenobi—yet I shall ensure

  That there, upon the floor, he will remain.

  [Count Dooku uses the Force to bring down a platform upon Obi-W
an. Anakin and Count Dooku duel.

  DOOKU

  I sense a fear profound in thee, Skywalker.

  You have much hate and anger, yet employ

  Them not. Shall they turn thee to coward, boy?

  ANAKIN

  Cowards die many times before their deaths;

  The Jedi never taste of death but once.

  So you shall know the taste of all my wrath,

  As I do claim the vengeance due my Master.

  DOOKU

  [aside:] Alack! His skill doth press me all too close,

  Such strength in this one I expected not.

  [They duel. Anakin cuts off Count Dooku’s hands.

  Count Dooku kneels before Anakin.

  ANAKIN

  Ha! It is done; the class may be dismiss’d.

  PALPATINE

  ’Tis well, young Anakin. Now kill the man.

  DOOKU

  [aside:] O, word most bitter to my frighten’d ears:

  My Master here doth utter “kill the man”?

  He who, with me, hath plann’d such base-born deeds

  As would, in time, confound a galaxy?

  Is “kill the man” his proclamation sole

  For he who gave such solid loyalty?

  Do I espy my poor, untimely grave,

  With epitaph that readeth “kill the man”?

  I look unto this boy, this Anakin—

  Nay, not a boy but truly, here, a man—

  Hast thou no mercy left within thine heart?

  Dost thou not know what ’tis to witness death,

  To be the very instrument of death?

  Is there no word of kindness thou canst speak,

  Good Anakin, that is not “kill the man”?

  PALPATINE

  Aye, kill him now.

  ANAKIN

  —I should not do this deed.

  PALPATINE

  I say the word, and thou must do it, lad!

  [Anakin beheads Count Dooku.

  ANAKIN

  What have I done? Was this a Jedi’s act?

  Did rage or justice mark my movements here?

  PALPATINE

  Thou didst aright, courageous Anakin:

  The man was all too dangerous to live.

  ANAKIN

  Forsooth, yet he was also prisoner—

  Unarm’d at that. Unhanded, too, by me.

  Already I regret I acted so,

  ’Tis not the Jedi way, the way I seek.

  PALPATINE

  ’Tis but the call of nature in thine heart:

  He did unarm thee once; thou didst demand

  A valid recompense for what he ow’d.

  If reasons such as these give neither balm

  Nor succor to thy soul, do thou recall:

  ’Twas not the first time thou hast sought revenge.

  Remember what thou didst relate to me

  About thy visit to the sand people,

  How thou didst slay their settlement entire

  For to avenge thy mother innocent.

  Now, let us hence before more droids arrive.

  [Anakin runs to where Obi-Wan is fallen.

  ANAKIN

  I shall assistance give to Obi-Wan,

  Who surely will be kill’d if we desert

  Him here among these cruel, inhuman foes.

  PALPATINE

  There is no time for sentiment as this—

  If thou wouldst rescue me, he must be left.

  We two must flee the ship ere ’tis too late.

  ANAKIN

  The spirit’s still within him: he shall live.

  PALPATINE

  Leave him, else we shall never make escape.

  ANAKIN

  His fate and ours shall be entwin’d as one.

  Come, Master, these two arms shall bear you hence,

  As you, these many years, did bear with me.

  [Anakin lifts Obi-Wan onto his back.

  Exeunt Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Palpatine.

  Enter GENERAL GRIEVOUS, his CAPTAIN, and a BATTLE DROID, on balcony.

  GRIEVOUS

  Prepare for this attack, we are besieg’d!

  CAPTAIN

  All batteries, pray fire, or else we die!

  Enter ANAKIN SKYWALKER, carrying OBI-WAN KENOBI, and CHANCELLOR PALPATINE as they approach the lift.

  ANAKIN

  The lift hath once more fail’d us. R2, hear:

  Make active now the lift three-two-two-four.

  [The ship is struck by a blast and begins to fall out of alignment.

  Alas, the ship is hit and gravity

  Doth turn upon its axis so what’s down

  Is side and side is down and up is side—

  Whatever this may mean, one thing is true:

  The ground whereon we stood becomes a wall,

  And no floor catches us; therefore, we fall.

  Yet one hope doth remain—the lift itself!

  Inside its shaft of steel we may be safe.

  [Anakin, carrying Obi-Wan, and Palpatine crawl into the shaft.

  CAPTAIN

  Reverse anon the stabilizers, droid!

  DROID 6

  Reversing, sir—I shall do as you say!

  GRIEVOUS

  Fire thou the booster engines, sirrah—now!

  DROID 6

  Your brave command hath done it, General;

  The ship is leveling itself aright.

  ANAKIN

  Alas, the shaft that was our only respite

  Becomes a shaft for yet another fall

  Whilst this vast ship doth set its proper course.

  We fall, and yet here is a wire to clutch—

  Pray, hold me fast, my noble Chancellor,

  And I your rescue shall make good in time.

  PALPATINE

  Well done, brave lad! Thou hast sav’d me again.

  OBI-WAN

  [coming to:] Fie! Where are we, and how have we arriv’d?

  ANAKIN

  ’Tis but a minor situation, sir,

  Yet not beyond my pow’r of strength and wit.

  OBI-WAN

  What have I miss’d—and what comes overhead?

  [The lift approaches them from above.

  ANAKIN

  R2, shut down the lift at once, kind droid.

  OBI-WAN

  Too late—we leap!

  PALPATINE

  [aside:] —’Tis more than I’d endure,

  Except this fall may raise me up at last.

  ANAKIN

  We fall a third time, hurtling through the shaft.

  The cord about my waist, with grappling hook,

  Is yet another rope whereon I tie

  My fervent hopes that we shall still succeed.

  OBI-WAN

  Mine shall be so, as well. Throw, for our lives!

  [Obi-Wan and Anakin throw their hooks, which wrap around a pipe. They swing through the shaft door into a hallway.

  ANAKIN

  Methinks all’s well—that might have ended worse.

  OBI-WAN

  Dost thou suppose within the hangar’s aught

  That still may fly and bear us as we flee?

  ANAKIN

  We shall discover it, if so. Let’s hence!

  [They begin running toward the hangar.

  DROID 6

  My General, we have the Jedi found.

  They run e’en now through hallway three-two-eight.

  GRIEVOUS

  Then activate the ray shields, which shall halt

  Their progress as they capture Palpatine.

  Bring them before me when they have been ta’en.

  [Exeunt General Grievous, captain, and battle droid. Ray shields appear around Obi-Wan, Anakin and Palpatine.

  ANAKIN

  We are undone, these shields of ray are strong.

  OBI-WAN

  Fie! Wherefore hath this situation come

  To such an end—are we not wiser men?

  Could we not think our way beyond this ship
?

  Could we not overcome these droids’ deceits?

  ANAKIN

  If circumstance would tell the story, nay.

  We must have patience—so you oft have said.

  OBI-WAN

  There never was a Jedi Master could

  Endure the toothache patiently, my friend.

  ANAKIN

  I’ll warrant R2 shall release us three,

  And we shall be deliver’d presently.

  Enter R2-D2, aside.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] O, would that I my story could relate

  Unto these humans, for with tender ear

  They’d hear my tragic tale and share my pain.

  I have endur’d such knocks and shocks as would

  Make swift defeat of some bulk cruiser, to

  Say naught of me, a little, fragile droid.

  First bullied by the super battle droids,

  And forc’d to burn them to a greasy pulp.

  Then batter’d when the ship did take a turn,

  The floor a’slipping out from mine own wheels.

  When all was done, where was poor R2, eh?

  Within a pile of scrap, and worse for wear.

  Now, weary, bruis’d, unhappy, and abus’d

  I come to heed my Masters’ call again.

  [To Anakin:] Beep, meep, beep, squeak?

  ANAKIN

  —’Tis as I said.

  All’s well.

  Enter several BATTLE DROIDS, SUPER BATTLE DROIDS, and DROIDEKAS.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep!

  [R2-D2 shocks a super battle droid.

  S. DROID 3

  —Thou wicked brute, I’ll give thee answer.