William Shakespeare's The Jedi Doth Return Read online

  C-3PO

  O, R2, do not leave me all alone!

  [Gamorrean Guard 2 leads C-3PO back to Jabba of the Hutt.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak!

  EV-9D9

  —Thou art a feisty little droid,

  But soon shall learn respect when thou dost serve

  Upon my master’s sail barge. Thou shalt see!

  [Exeunt EV-9D9 and R2-D2.

  C-3PO

  [ aside:] Within the court of Jabba now I serve.

  But O, what wretched things I see within,

  For when he loseth temper—which befalls

  Most frequently—thou mayst be certain it

  Doth mean the death of someone who is nigh.

  For lo, unto the rancor’s pit they fall,

  Where such a massive terror lives that I

  Cannot bear watch, though all the courtiers here

  Do laugh and cheer as though it were a sport.

  The rancor cometh forth with growls and barks

  And catches up the poor and helpless soul

  Who, screaming in its terror, doth fall mute

  As rancor sinks large teeth into its flesh.

  The slaughter of the blameless! O, it is

  A vile and filthy service I fulfill.

  Grant me the patience to endure this time!

  [The Max Rebo Band plays a song of tribute to Jabba of the Hutt.

  REBO BAND

  [ sings:] A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A blaster ever by thy side,

  A stately barge in which to ride,

  A fair, young damsel to thee tied,

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  Full many servants lend thee aid,

  More guards than a Naboo brigade,

  And bounty hunters on parade—

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  The drinks all flowing fast and free,

  A sarlacc pit not far from thee,

  A rancor for thine enemy,

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A blast is heard. Enter CHEWBACCA and BOUSHH , a bounty hunter.

  BOUSHH

  Eyah-tay, eyah-tay, yo-toe.

  C-3PO

  —Chewbacca!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  JABBA

  Cheesa eejah wahkee Chewbacca—ho!

  FETT

  [ aside:] The Wookiee hath been captur’d—e’en

  he who with my grand prize Solo once did fly.

  ’Tis fortunate he hath to Jabba also been deliver’d.

  I only wish that I had been his captor, and reap’d

  the reward this bounty hunter surely shall receive.

  Even so, this Wookiee doth complete the set of

  smugglers for Jabba’s merriment. Belike he too

  shall frozen in carbonite be, or mayhap be a

  supper for a rancor.

  JABBA

  Kahjee ta, droid.

  C-3PO

  —Aye, here am I, indeed,

  Thy worshipfulness.

  JABBA

  —Yu-bahk ko rahto

  Kama wahl-bahk. Eye yess ka cho. Kawa

  Na Wookiee.

  C-3PO

  —Bounty hunter strong and brave:

  The mighty Jabba of the Hutt doth bid

  Thee welcome, and shall gladly pay to thee

  The goodly sum of five-and-twenty thousand.

  CRUMB

  [ aside:] No bounty hunter would be fool enough

  To take the first price offer’d, I’ll be sworn.

  BOUSHH

  Yoto. Yoto.

  C-3PO

  —’Tis fifty thousand, and

  No less.

  JABBA

  [ striking C-3PO:] —Ahh, uun yun kuss tah fiti pun.

  C-3PO

  Whatever was it that I said, Sirrah?

  I did perform the function thou hast giv’n:

  Precisely did I translate this one’s words.

  JABBA

  Moonon keejo!

  FETT

  [ aside:] This scamp had best beware, if

  he would be a bounty hunter in the service of

  great Jabba. It seemeth he hath little appreciation

  for the famèd anger of the Hutt.

  C-3PO

  [ to Boushh:] —The mighty Jabba asks

  The reason wherefore fifty thousand is

  The sum demanded of thee.

  BOUSHH

  —Ay yo-toe!

  C-3PO

  The knave doth threaten us—he holdeth in

  His hands a thermal detonator. O!

  [Jabba’s courtiers shrink in fear. Boba Fett takes out his blaster.

  JABBA

  Ho, ho. Kaso ya yee koli tra do

  Kahn nee go. Yu bahn chuna leepa nah.

  CRUMB

  The Hutt doth call him fearless and inventive,

  But never did invention make me fear

  As this one’s thermal detonator doth.

  JABBA

  [ to C-3PO:] Kuo meeta tah te fye. Dah tee teema

  Nye.

  C-3PO

  [ to Boushh:] —Mighty Jabba offers thirty-five,

  And were I in thy place, I would accept

  The deal. ’Tis better, as they say, to make

  The peace than make us all in pieces be.

  And truly thirty-five while living is

  A sum more numerous than zero dead.

  BOUSHH

  Ya-toe cha.

  C-3PO

  —Praise the maker, he agrees!

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  [Chewbacca is led away by Gamorrean guards as music begins to play again.

  LANDO

  [ aside:] —This sad scene I witness with contempt:

  Another bounty hunter earns his sum

  For bringing in a harmless innocent.

  Now all is merriment and patting on

  The back whilst yet another’s added to

  Their clan. A scoundrel’s life ’tis true I’ve known,

  Yet never did I stoop so low as this.

  But still, I smile at what I here survey,

  For I know well this bounty hunter is

  No normal man—no normal man indeed!

  And his apparent prize—my Wookiee friend

  Chewbacca—is not as a pris’ner come.

  Bear thou this burden bravely, Lando, for

  The wait is almost over—soon the plan

  O’er which we took great pains shall come to pass.

  Be still, my scoundrel heart, with patience wait,

  For retribution comes in time, though late.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 3.

  The desert planet Tatooine, at Jabba’s Palace. Night.

  Enter BOUSHH.

  BOUSHH

  The silence of the night doth mark my work

  And like a gentle breeze sweeps o’er the air.

  In stealth I move throughout the palace dark,

  That no one shall bear witness to my acts.

  Now cross the court, with footsteps nimbly plac’d.

  Ne’er did a matter of such weight depend

  Upon a gentle footfall in the night.

  Put out the light, and then relume his light—

  Aye, now I spy my goal: the frozen Han.

  Thy work is finish’d, feet. Now ’tis the hands

  That shall a more profound task undertake.

  Quick to the panel, press the needed code.

  O swiftly fly, good hands, and free this man

  From his most cold and undeservèd cell.

  O true decryptionist, thy codes are quick!

  The scheme
hath work’d, the carbonite doth melt.

  Forsooth, ’tis done—within the silent dark

  The greatest light doth sing within my heart!

  [Han Solo melts from the carbonite and falls to the floor.

  [ To Han Solo:] Relax thou for a moment; thou art free

  Of carbonite’s embrace, but thou dost burn

  From this harsh hibernation malady.

  HAN

  I cannot see.

  BOUSHH

  —Thine eyesight shall return.

  HAN

  But where am I?

  BOUSHH

  —In Jabba’s Palace you

  Have been detain’d.

  HAN

  —Who art thou, voice severe?

  [Boushh removes his mask to reveal Princess Leia.

  LEIA

  The one whose heart and soul do love thee true.

  HAN

  O, Leia!

  [They kiss.

  LEIA

  —Come, and let’s away from here.

  Enter JABBA OF THE HUTT, BIB FORTUNA, BOBA FETT,

  THE MAX REBO BAND, SALACIOUS CRUMB, LANDO OF CALRISSIAN

  in disguise, and other members of Jabba’s court.

  JABBA

  Ho, ho, ho.

  HAN

  —O, that laugh, it works me woe.

  ’Tis too familiar in my memory,

  And like a chime from Hell’s forsaken bells

  Doth ring most evilly within mine ears.

  JABBA

  Oofila mooga bos.

  HAN

  —Pray, Jabba, see:

  I was upon my way to pay thee back,

  And in returning happen’d on a course

  That ran the other way. ’Tis not my fault.

  JABBA

  Achi pahbuk moonitnuh, Solo, bah.

  Akingsah rebah bachmanah bakmah

  Jaja weetnowah bantha poodoo, ho!

  CRUMB

  He shall be bantha fodder, O, ’tis true—

  A Solo may make progress through the guts

  Of banthas! Aye, my master’s passing wise.

  HAN

  I’ll pay thee triple, Jabba, thou canst not

  Deny this fortune—be thou not a fool!

  [Han Solo is taken away by guards.

  JABBA

  Nakko, kosleeya ni.

  [Guards take Princess Leia to Jabba.

  LEIA

  —Now shall I be

  His plaything? [ To Jabba:] We have friends most powerful.

  Thou shalt, with all thy heart, regret this act.

  JABBA

  Bana madota, heah.

  C-3PO

  —Why were my eyes

  E’er made to see, when such as this must be

  Within my sight? I cannot bear to watch.

  [Exeunt Jabba’s court.

  Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA on balcony, as their cell.

  HAN

  What fate is this? What curs’d, unearnèd path?

  Within a minute rescu’d by my love,

  Then taken from her unto this grim place.

  How long was I in carbonite encas’d?

  Am I an old man now, with graying hair?

  What jubilant occasions have I miss’d?

  What friends have died, or have been lost fore’er?

  Hath our Rebellion disappointed been,

  Or is it now fulfill’d with all success?

  Because I do not know how long I’ve slept,

  Or what transpir’d while I was frozen thus,

  It seems my mind is sluggish to defrost.

  CHEWBAC.

  Grrm.

  HAN

  —Yet another sound familiar, but

  This one doth bring delight into my soul.

  Chewbacca? Prithee, tell me, Chewie, is

  It thou who art here with me?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh.

  HAN

  —Sweet joy!

  What bounty of affection do I feel

  For thee, dear Wookiee. I cannot yet see,

  But knowing thou art here doth warm my heart.

  I prithee, give me news of all that is.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh, auugh!

  HAN

  —What sayst thou? Luke—a Jedi Knight?

  What strange tomfoolery! Luke is but young,

  Not made for rescues.

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  HAN

  —Thou dost report

  I have been gone a time but fleeting, so

  Have all acquir’d delusions of some grandeur?

  And what of Han? Have I been left behind?

  O thought most base, O destiny unkind.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4.

  The desert planet Tatooine, at Jabba’s Palace.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER.

  LUKE

  The time is now, the place is here, the man

  Myself, the matter: rescue of my friends.

  Be focus’d, mind; be settl’d, heart and soul.

  I enter unto Jabba’s palace for

  One purpose and that purpose by itself:

  My friends to find and bring deliverance.

  Now to it, Luke, and earn the Jedi name,

  Not by thy might, but by thy calm and wit.

  Enter BIB FORTUNA

  BIB

  Yo mot tu cheep, do you pan Skywalker.

  Nuh Jabba mo bah toe baht too.

  LUKE

  —Nay, Sir.

  I tell thee: I shall speak with Jabba now.

  BIB

  Nuh Jabba no two zand dehank obee.

  [Luke uses a Jedi mind trick on Bib Fortuna.

  LUKE

  Thou shalt take me to Jabba presently.

  BIB

  Naja takka to Jabba prekkenlee.

  LUKE

  Thou servest thy proud master well, and shall,

  In time, receive from him a great reward.

  BIB

  Eye sota y’locha. Ba chu noya trot.

  Enter JABBA OF THE HUTT, PRINCESS LEIA, C-3PO, BOBA FETT,

  THE MAX REBO BAND, SALACIOUS CRUMB, LANDO OF CALRISSIAN

  in disguise, and other members of Jabba’s court.

  LUKE

  [ aside:] Say what is this? My Leia sparsely clad

  All in a metal-fashion’d suit? How strange!

  I did expect one of our company

  To be enclos’d in steel, but not like this.

  C-3PO

  At last, ’tis Master Luke to rescue us!

  BIB

  [ to Jabba:] Nuh masta, gabba no pace Skywalker.

  JABBA

  Nah mass fa wong lee fah toon kay.

  LUKE

  —Thou must,

  Great Jabba, grant me leave to speak with thee.

  BIB

  Nuh Jedi modst be inco ee, baanah.

  CRUMB

  Old Bib but echoes what the man doth say!

  JABBA

  Ahh, ko ja vaya sko. Ees turo na

  Om Jedi mine chik.

  [Jabba strikes Bib Fortuna, who falls.

  LUKE

  —Let me be plain:

  Thou shalt with all expedience produce

  Both Captain Solo and the Wookiee, and

  Shall grant our safe departure from this place.

  ’Tis this, and nothing more, I shall accept.

  JABBA

  Ya ku kacha ka puna ni sa. Ee?

  LUKE

  My Jedi powers may not work on thee,

  But still I shall take Captain Solo and

  His friends. Thou canst yet choose to profit from

  This plan, or be destroy’d. It is thy choice,

  But thou art warn’d: to underestimate

  My pow’r would bring about thy end at once.

  C-3PO

  But Master Luke, thou standest on—

  JABBA

  —Ban gon

  Wah she co, cah O Jedi. Cho kanya

  Wee shaja
keecho, ho!

  [Luke uses the Force to take a blaster from a guard.

  Ah bahloosku!

  [Jabba presses a button that drops Luke and

  Gamorrean Guard 2 into the rancor pit.

  CRUMB

  Now shall we see the rancor rancorous!

  Enter RANCOR into the pit with Luke and the Gamorrean guard.

  LANDO

  [ aside:] Alas, now Luke is thrown into the pit—

  His skill must see him through. My part shall be

  To give protection to the princess now.

  C-3PO

  For pity—now the monster hideous

  Hath come forth from his hiding place to sup.

  RANCOR

  [ sings:] They shriek at my mystique,

  My teeth they’ll die beneath—

  A feast made for a beast,

  A treat that I may eat!

  LUKE

  What terrifying creature-thing is this?

  Ne’er have I such a ghastly being seen.

  But still these thoughts, for succor have they none:

  Be calm now, Luke, or else—sans doubt—you die.

  G. GUARD 2

  Squeal!

  LEIA

  —That poor guard shall be the first to fall,

  For he doth panic and is cornerèd.

  The rancor slowly makes his way t’ward him

  And sees his dinner spread before his eyes.

  C-3PO

  O wretched beast! He tears the guard apart

  With sound of breaking bones and crumpl’d flesh.

  One need not know six million language forms

  To understand the screams and sudden hush.

  CRUMB

  It shall be time to hire another guard!