William Shakespeare's Star Wars Read online

R2-D2 Beep, beep, beep, meep. Beep, beep, beep, squeak, squeak, squeak!

  C-3PO No more with thine adventures! I go not

  Upon thy way. [R2-D2 exits.] Malfunctioning small fool!

  ’Tis all his fault. He trick’d me so that I

  Should go this way. But he shall not fare well.

  O gods above, why have I once again

  Been short with R2, sending him away?

  I trust he knoweth well I hold him dear,

  Though in his presence oft my speech is cruel.

  ’Tis words that do betray my better self

  When harshly they express my droidly rage.

  And yet for protocol I’m made, and must

  With words fulfill my task. So then ’tis true

  That words are both my ruin and my strength.

  And yet—although I find myself adrift

  And lost within a speechless sea of sand—

  This word is true if ever words have truth:

  Forever lost I’d be should I lose him.

  But wait, what’s that? A transport! Saved am I!

  Hark, over here! Hey nonny non! Please help!

  [C-3PO exits.

  CHORUS A vessel vast comes forth across the sand,

  And takes C-3PO within its hold.

  But what of R2-D2’s mission grand?

  How doth the tale of this small droid unfold?

  Enter R2-D2 and JAWAS, hidden.

  R2-D2 Beep, ooh, beep, beep, beep, squeak.

  JAWA 1 —Peska bahman.

  Te peska bahman. Fuligiliha!

  R2-D2 Ahh! Beep, beep, squeak, beep, beep, ahh!

  [Jawas stun R2-D2, who falls.

  JAWA 2 —Utinni!

  [Jawas carry R2-D2 into transport.

  CHORUS Imagine now that on this stage you see

  Full many droids and creatures quite bizarre.

  And yet, amid this ghastly company,

  Herein the two friends reunited are.

  Enter other DROIDS and C-3PO.

  C-3PO Good R2? R2-D2, O ’tis thee!

  R2-D2 Beep, beep, beep, whistle, squeak, beep, meep, beep, whee!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 5.

  The desert planet Tatooine.

  Enter STORMTROOPERS 3 and 4.

  TROOPER 3 There was someone within this pod, indeed.

  The tracks go off in this direction. See?

  TROOPER 4 Behold, Sir, either someone large hath dropp’d

  His ring, or else this fragile circle here

  Doth mean we have found droids on Tatooine!

  [Exeunt stormtroopers.

  Enter JAWAS with DROIDS, including C-3PO and R2-D2.

  C-3PO At last this vehicle of death hath stopp’d!

  So greatly fear I what shall happen next

  That I am shaken to my core within.

  They say that fear is better fac’d when two

  Together stand. Thus, swift shall I awake

  My dear R2. Wake up, wake up!

  R2-D2 —Beep, squeak!

  C-3PO We’re doomed! Dost thou think they shall melt us down?

  JAWA 1 Me punna tynda ding. Utinni! Beh!

  C-3PO Shoot not! O shall this torment never end?

  First captur’d by these Jawas small and vile,

  And now we face a fate that is unknown.

  Now seems the first fate better than the next—

  Aye, rather would I bear the ill I have,

  Than fly to others that I know not of.

  Enter OWEN LARS and LUKE SKYWALKER, with BERU LARS aside in Lars homestead.

  OWEN Anon, now let us go!

  BERU —O Luke! O Luke!

  Pray, tell thine uncle that if he should find

  A translator, be sure it Bocce speaks.

  [Aside:] ’Tis true, the last time Owen bought a droid,

  More dud than droid we purchas’d in the deal.

  LUKE It seemeth we have little choice, dear aunt.

  And yet shall I remind him what thou say’st.

  [Exit Beru into Lars homestead.

  OWEN Again it falls to me, a simple man,

  To take a leading role in matters grave.

  For I must choose a droid today, ’tis true,

  But also must I teach this lad, this Luke,

  To learn and grow, and to become a man.

  Although when I was young I too had dreams

  Of far-off stars and distant galaxies,

  I learn’d to work the land, to raise the crops.

  And thus shall I my trade pass on to him,

  Adopted son of mine and strangely dear.

  I had not ask’d for Fate to bring a son

  To me, for I had thought to have no heir.

  Yet do Beru and I feel for this child

  A measure of affection, and—as well—

  The burden of responsibility.

  [To Jawa 2:] Pray tell me, Jawa small,

  what hast today?

  JAWA 2 Me punna tynda ding.

  OWEN —Nay, not that one.

  [Aside:] These Jawas offer first the lowliest,

  ’Tis ever in their nature to deceive.

  [To C-3PO:] Droid, I assume that thou art

  programmed well

  For etiquette and protocol. ’Tis true?

  C-3PO Aye, protocol—my prim’ry function ’tis!

  I am well versed in all the customs, Sir.

  OWEN No need have I of droids with protocol.

  C-3PO Not in this habitat, thou speakest true:

  Hath ever sand a need of protocol?

  When did a stone or rock need etiquette?

  However, I am also made—

  OWEN —Peace! What

  I need’s a droid who knows the bin’ry tongue

  Of moisture vaporators.

  C-3PO —O, but Sir!

  My first employment was in programming

  A bin’ry load a’lifter very like

  Thy vaporators. Aye, in most respects.

  [Aside:] My service and my worth I’ll prove to him

  If I must speak a thousand hours more.

  For certain, I shall die ere I return

  Once more to be in rank captivity.

  OWEN Well. Speak’st thou Bocce?

  C-3PO —Truly Sir! ’Tis like

  A second tongue unto my soul.

  OWEN —Pray, cease!

  [To Jawas:] So shall I have this one here.

  C-3PO [Aside:]—Praise the day!

  Now if he chooseth also my R2,

  Aye, then shall I be pleas’d.

  JAWA 1 —Mabbin beh!

  OWEN —Luke!

  Take thou these droids unto our vast garage.

  My wish it is they clean’d be ere we dine.

  LUKE But unto Tosche Station would I go,

  And there obtain some pow’r converters. Fie!

  OWEN Thou canst go with thy friends another time,

  When all thy chores have been fulfilled. Go to!

  LUKE [aside:] O how shall I be mock’d, and verily

  Abusèd when my noble comrades hear

  That once again my uncle hath denied

  My fervent wish to be with them instead.

  [To Owen:] ’Tis well. [To Droids:] Come hither! Thou too, Red.

  R5-D4 —Beep hoo.

  LUKE Go hence!

  R2-D2 —Beep, squeak, beep, beep, squeak meep beep, beep!

  [Aside:] If I go not with him, my foolishness

  Shall render no one service. Thus, I beep.

  JAWA 2 Bwana beh!

  R2-D2 —Ahh!

  [R5-D4 begins to smoke and fail.

  LUKE —Pray, uncle Owen, look!

  Behold! This R2 unit hath a foul

  And smoking motivator!

  OWEN —Vicious knave!

  Say, in what manner dost thou try upon

  Our goodly wills to ply thy thievery?

  So shall I rip thy brown and ragged robes

  To shreds, if thou set not this matter right.

  Now spe
ak!

  JAWA 1 —Me punna tynda ding.

  R2-D2 —Beep, squeak!

  C-3PO [to Luke:] Your pardon, Sir. The R2 unit which

  Thou seest is in prime condition, aye,

  A bargain ’tis, and he shall serve thee well.

  [Aside:] Now if I can convince the human here

  To purchase R2 too, along with me,

  So shall I win the day! And ever shall

  Yon R2-D2 dwell in peace with me.

  What shall he answer?

  LUKE —Uncle Owen, say!

  Hast thou consider’d yonder blue droid there?

  OWEN What of that blue one? That one shall be ours.

  C-3PO [aside:] O vict’ry! Next, I’ll praise him for his choice.

  [To Luke:] A noble choice thou makest, Master, for

  Thou surely shalt be pleas’d with this new droid.

  I can with confidence report to thee

  That he is in first-class condition, Sir,

  For I have work’d with him before. He comes!

  R2-D2 Beep, meep, beep, squeak.

  LUKE —Anon, away we go.

  [Exeunt Luke, Owen, Jawas, and Droids.

  C-3PO Forget thou not this moment, faithless droid!

  Why I should put my neck at risk for thee

  Is quite beyond my mind’s capacity.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 6.

  Inside the Lars homestead.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER, C-3PO, and R2-D2.

  C-3PO All praise be to the Maker, verily,

  This oily bath much healing shall provide.

  The glow of bright Coruscant doth not match

  The vital warmth this soothing oil brings me.

  The case of dust contamination which

  Befalls me mighty is, and renders me

  Unable—I’ll be sworn—to move at all!

  LUKE I rue the day I came unto this place,

  This drab and barren rock call’d Tatooine.

  But wherefore have I reason to complain?

  Do sandstorms not invade both rich and poor?—

  We are not promis’d equity in life.

  Both rich and poor alike pertain to me:

  For certain, though in toil am I most rich,

  By want of keen adventure am I poor.

  Thus I declare that whether rich or poor,

  The lot I have receiv’d from Fate’s unfair!

  My comrade Biggs hath rightly guess’d, I fear,

  That never shall I leave this stricken place!

  C-3PO [aside:] O exclamation tragic! Shall I speak?

  [To Luke:] Is there, dear Sir, aught I might do to help?

  LUKE Nay, droid, ’less thou canst alter time, or make

  The harvest come apace, or, goodly friend,

  If thou canst somehow bear my body hence

  By magical conveyance yet unknown.

  C-3PO I think not, Sir, for merely droid am I,

  And have not knowledge of such things as thou.

  Not on this planet, anyway. In troth,

  I do not know which planet this one be.

  LUKE If center bright the universe contains,

  Then surely, droid, hast thou now found thyself

  As far from it as thou canst poss’bly be.

  C-3PO I see, Sir.

  LUKE —Surely, thou may’st call me Luke.

  C-3PO I see, Sir Luke.

  LUKE —Thou jolly droid, just Luke.

  [Aside:] This droid, I see, is wont to prattle on,

  Belike his mouth is faster than his mind.

  [Luke begins to clean R2-D2.

  C-3PO C-3PO am I, an expert in

  The human-cyborg link. And he, my short

  Blue counterpart, is R2-D2 called.

  LUKE Good e’en.

  R2-D2 —Beep, squeak!

  LUKE —Thou hast much carbon here,

  It seemeth much of Fortune thou hast known.

  Aye, can it be that two such droids as you

  Can know more of adventure than a man?

  C-3PO With all we have been through, amaz’d am I

  We yet our good condition keep, what with

  Rebellion and its hurly-burly ways.

  LUKE Nay, can it be? The very thing of which

  I would know more thou hast experienc’d?

  Pray, knowest thou of the rebellion ’gainst

  The Empire, droid?

  C-3PO —For certain, aye, ’tis how

  We came to be in thine employment, if

  Thou comprehend my simple meaning, Sir.

  [Aside:] Now is his visage turn’d all eagerness—

  O never in this manner have I seen

  A man intoxicated with a dream!

  LUKE And hast thou been in many battles? Speak!

  Whatever morsel thou mayst serve to me

  Shall be a feast unto my waiting ear;

  The smallest tale of battle lost or won

  Shall feed my soul’s ne’er-ending appetite!

  C-3PO Full many battles, aye, Sir. But I fear

  I have but little food to fill thy heart—

  A banquet, sadly, I cannot prepare,

  ’Tis certain that of tales I am no chef.

  But rather, I confess that not much more

  Than an interpreter am I, and not

  Much good at telling stories—verily,

  I’ve not the salt or spice to season them.

  LUKE ’Tis well, my droid. So shall my hunger wait

  To feast one day upon another’s tale.

  [To R2-D2:] My little ’bot, thou hast got something jamm’d

  Herein. Hast thou been on a cruiser or—

  Enter PRINCESS LEIA, in beam projected by R2-D2.

  LEIA O help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help.

  Thou art mine only hope.

  LUKE —Pray, what is this?

  R2-D2 Squeak?

  C-3PO —What is what? A question hath he asked!

  Say, what is that?

  LEIA —O help me, Obi-Wan

  Kenobi, help. Thou art mine only hope.

  O help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help.

  Thou art mine only hope.

  R2-D2 —Beep, meep, meep, hoo.

  Squeak, beep, meep, beep.

  C-3PO —He says ’tis nothing, Sir.

  A mere malfunction, bygone data ’tis.

  Please, pay no mind.

  LUKE —But who is she? For she

  Is far more beautiful than all the stars.

  C-3PO I truly do not know, Sir. I suspect

  She was a passenger on our last trip,

  A person of importance, I believe.

  [Aside:] First ’twas adventure, second ’tis this lass.

  ’Tis certain my new Master hath a wealth

  Of passion, ever eager to bestow.

  LUKE Say, is there any more recording, droid?

  R2-D2 Squeak, beep!

  C-3PO —Behave thyself, R2! For thou

  Shalt get us both in trouble. Be content,

  And trust him true. He is our master now.

  R2-D2 Beep, beep, beep, meep, beep, squeak, beep, meep, squeak, hoo.

  C-3PO He saith he doth belong to Obi-Wan

  Kenobi, resident of parts nearby,

  And ’tis a private message meant for him.

  For all my wit, I know not what he means,

  For our last Master Sir Antilles was.

  Alas, with all we have endur’d, this dear

  Small R2 unit quite eccentric is.

  R2-D2 Squeak!

  LUKE —Obi-Wan Kenobi … I suspect

  Old Ben Kenobi he doth mean, perhaps.

  First droids, then tales of battles fought in space,

  And now a damsel cries in beams of light!

  Did ever destiny come knocking thus?

  C-3PO I beg thy pardon, Sir, but know’st thou aught

  Of what he speaks?

  LUKE —I know not any man

  Nam’d Obi-Wan Kenobi, yet old Ben

  Resides bey
ond the Dune Sea, and there dwells

  Much like a hermit, strange and lone.

  LEIA —O help

  Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, help. Thou art

  Mine only hope.

  LUKE —I wonder who she is.

  Whoever she may be, whatever is

  Her cause, I shall unto her pleas respond.

  Not e’en were she my sister could I know

  A duty of more weight than I feel now.

  It seemeth she some dreadful trouble hath—

  Mayhap I should replay the message whole.

  R2-D2 Beep, squeak, squeak! Meep, hoo, meep.

  C-3PO —R2 doth say

  The bolt restraining him short-circuited

  His full recording system. So saith he,

  That if thou wouldst with speed remove the bolt,

  He may the full recording then display.

  [Aside:] What purpose shall I serve unto this man?

  Am I to guide, encourage, counsel—what?

  Thus shall I play the wise interpreter,

  For truly ’tis the part I know the best.

  LUKE What? Aye, thou seem’st too small to run away

  If I should take this off. Good little droid,

  So cleverly thou bringest messages,

  That thou hast won my trust. Now, thou art free.

  [Exit Princess Leia from beam.

  But wait, where hath she gone? What villainy!

  How hast thou dampen’d that celestial light

  Wherein she spoke of late? Now bring her back,

  Play back the message full, thou naughty droid!

  R2-D2 Meep, meep?

  C-3PO —What message, errant droid? The one

  Thou hast been playing, which thou hold’st within

  Thy rusty innards. [Aside:] O, alas! We shall

  Deactivated be!

  BERU [inside:] —O Luke? Pray, Luke?

  LUKE I shall be there anon, good aunt Beru!

  C-3PO I’m sorry, Sir. For it doth seem he hath

  Acquir’d a minor flutter.

  LUKE —Thus she comes,

  And thus she goes. Yet ever on my sight

  Her beautiful, fine countenance shall shine.

  So here’s my vow: I’ll see her once again,

  In beam, or—hope on hope!—with my own eyes.

  For now, I must depart to dine. Pray, see

  If thou canst remedy this R2, droid.

  [Exit Luke.

  R2-D2 Hoo.

  C-3PO —Reconsider, thou, if thou shalt play

  The message back for him.

  R2-D2 —Beep, meep, hoo, whee?

  C-3PO Nay, I do not believe he liketh thee.

  R2-D2 Beep, squeak?

  C-3PO —Nay, thee I like not either.

  R2-D2 —Hoo.

  [Exit C-3PO.

  Now are the pieces all arrang’d for me