William Shakespeare's the Taming of the Clueless Read online

  Why answerest thou not my many bells?

  More times I rang for thee to hither come

  Than old Westminster Abbey chimes each day.

  DIONNE

  Call me not lass if thou wouldst answer’d be.

  [Students gather to hear Dionne and Murray argue.

  MURRAY

  Where wert thou all the livelong weekend, dear?

  My fear doth grow that thou dost jump the jeep

  With someone else and cuckold makest me.

  DIONNE

  “Dost jump the jeep”? What newfound words are these?

  MURRAY

  Thou knowest well the meaning of the phrase.

  DIONNE

  If thou wouldst speak of sex upon four wheels,

  Perchance thou wilt address another matter:

  How did this hair extension—from a mart

  Whose worthlessness is known e’en by the simple—

  Appear within thy carriage’s back seat?

  MURRAY

  Nay, ask me not. It seemeth that the strand

  Is one of thy thin locks, spaghetti-like,

  Which e’er adorn the pasta of thy pate.

  DIONNE

  No cheap, substandard hair hath ever touch’d

  The fashionable head of Dionne, lout!

  It, peradventure, cometh from Shawanna—

  She wanna find her way inside thy trousers!

  CHER

  Dee, I must fly, for class begins anon!

  [Cher walks on.

  DIONNE

  Farewell!

  MURRAY

  —Why wouldst thou—

  DIONNE

  —Nay, we two are done.

  Like Anne Boleyn, there’s naught for us ahead.

  MURRAY

  Mayhap the red moon rises over thee,

  And thou art in thy menses once again?

  [All students gasp.

  DIONNE

  O, villain of unpardonable speech!

  [Exeunt Dionne and Murray, arguing.

  CHER

  [aside:] In sooth, I know not wherefore Dionne doth

  Spend all her courting time with high school lads.

  They are like dogs, ill-manner’d and uncouth,

  Which one must ever clean and feed and train—

  Such nervous creatures, slobbering about

  And leaving stains upon thy garments best.

  [A boy approaches Cher and puts his arm around her.

  [To boy:] Off, brute! Or I shall cage thee. [Aside:] Fie, as if!

  As if he should so blatantly approach,

  As if I would, then, fall into his arms,

  As if we two familiar would become,

  As if he could usurp my maidenhood!

  CHER walks into class with other STUDENTS, including MURRAY, TRAVIS, ELTON, and AMBER. Enter MASTER WENDELL HALL, teaching.

  HALL

  The question of our time today is this:

  Should all oppressèd people of the world

  Be given refuge in America?

  Is’t inconceivable, or justified?

  First Amber, thou shalt take the stance against,

  And Cher, thou speakest in defense thereof.

  Thou hast two minutes, Cher—I bid thee, speak.

  CHER

  ’Tis well, ’tis passing simple, take ye heed:

  The Haiti-ites must to America

  An they would safe be from their government,

  Yet some would argue—mayhap Amber shall—

  ’Tis far too great a strain on our resources.

  I think upon a garden party, which

  For my dear father I did lately hold—

  Répondez, s’il vous plaît was my request,

  Since ’twas a formal dinner I arrang’d.

  Still, some arriv’d who did répondez not,

  Which was discourteous in the extreme.

  My mind was vex’d by unexpected guests—

  Rush’d I unto the kitchen hastily,

  Did redistribute food upon the trenchers,

  And added table settings in a trice.

  Though there was much of Sturm und Drang that day,

  “The more the merrier!” was soon the cry.

  All’s well that ends well, as the maxim goes.

  Ye see, then, the conclusion of my case:

  If but our government hied to the kitchen,

  And swiftly rearrang’d the meals therein,

  Our party could include the Haiti-ites

  And all would have enow to celebrate.

  To finish, this reminder would I give:

  It sayeth not répondez, s’il vous plaît

  Upon the Statue of our Liberty!

  [Students applaud.

  My thanks—my case doth rest upon this point.

  HALL

  Now, Amber, ’tis the time for thy reply.

  AMBER

  Yet, Master Hall, how should this answer’d be?

  The topic should be Haiti, yet she speaks

  Of parties, meals, and guests. ’Tis nonsense, yea?

  CHER

  His birthday fiftieth th’occasion was,

  Not just a random merriment.

  [Amber holds her fingers up to form a W.

  AMBER

  —Whate’er.

  If Cher shall not proceed as ’twas assign’d,

  I cannot treat the matter earnestly.

  HALL

  Ye may be seated, then. Do any here

  Have further thoughts upon th’oration that

  CHER

  hath presented? Elton, pond’rest thou?

  ELTON

  My thought is this: I am at pains to find

  The music program of the Cranberries

  That once was here, within my trusty bag.

  I must unto the quad, ere it is ta’en.

  HALL

  Alas, such wandering I’ll not permit.

  What further insights from ye scholars young?

  TRAVIS

  Insights aplenty enter my mind.

  HALL

  I wait with bated breath upon thy thoughts.

  TRAVIS

  What I think of the Rolling Stones, sir,

  Is how of Nine Inch Nails my children

  Shall think—someday, when I have children.

  My mother I should, then, not torment.

  HALL

  Indeed! Thou art far gone from Haiti, Travis,

  Yet tolerance is e’er a lesson that

  Is worthy of the learning, by my troth—

  E’en when the subject out of nowhere comes.

  To speak of nowhere—which is, verily,

  Where some of ye are headed in your lives—

  The time hath come, report cards to distribute.

  Shall ye find A thereon? Astounding work.

  Perhaps a B? ’Tis Blameless, utterly.

  If you spy C, thou hast a Common grade,

  Whereas a D is Difficult indeed.

  Yet if ye see an F, you have Fail’d me—

  Not only me, nay, also fail’d yourselves.

  Is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?

  CHER

  Reports of Christian tell us, Master Hall,

  His parents share joint custody o’er him.

  He shall, then, split his time in school in twain—

  The first semester in Chicagoland,

  The second here. To me, the matter’s plain:

  A tragedy of our professional legal.

  HALL

  My thanks for thine astute perspective, Cher.

  [Master Hall passes report cards to students in the front row, who disseminate them throughout the class.

  TRAVIS

 
[aside:] Alas, how shall my parents bellow!

  HALL

  Your conversations, prithee, set aside.

  [Travis prepares to jump out the window in dismay.

  TRAVIS

  [aside:] O, moment dire! I’ll ope the window,

  And sleep—and by sleep to say we end

  The horrid grades our work is heir to.

  HALL

  Desist with all your suicide attempts—

  I ne’er have lost a student over grades

  And do not plan to start the trend today.

  If ye would shuffle off this mortal coil,

  You must postpone ’til second period.

  [He pulls Travis back inside.

  CHER

  [aside:] Bleak darkness gathers o’er my sunny day

  And swarms into first period like gnats

  That cloud the firmament with fearful portent.

  What change the weather brings, for I’ve receiv’d

  A grade of C in my debate class—fie,

  ’Tis Cruel, Callous, Critical, and Crude!

  The bell rings. All disperse.

  Enter DIONNE walking with CHER.

  O, Dee, hast thou thine own report card got?

  DIONNE

  Indeed, and I shall pay the price for it,

  As if I were the bread, my grades the pyre,

  And quickly I’ll be toasted in the flames.

  CHER

  I chok’d as though a bone lodg’d in my throat.

  My father, soon enow, shall see my grade

  And like a missile shall ballistic go!

  DIONNE

  The grades of Master Hall were passing harsh—

  What drives a man to treat his students so?

  My grade was C, by minus punctuated.

  CHER

  Mine C, which pulls my av’rage swiftly down.

  DIONNE

  What shall we do?

  CHER

  —Some plan we must conceive.

  Pray, think on it awhile and we shall speak—

  Injustice such as this must answer’d be.

  [Exeunt all except Dionne.

  DIONNE

  C minus, ah! ’Tis passing negative,

  Why minus? Tiny line that shakes one’s soul,

  Ah, minus! Students wince—this doth define us,

  O, wherefore do I have a wretched minus?

  [Exit.

  The Horowitz house.

  Enter CHER, near a portrait of her mother.

  CHER

  My house, is’t not a classic of design?

  The columns are from fifteen ninety-two,

  Near prehistoric, by my reckoning.

  Behold the portrait of my mother dear,

  A betty of a beauty, who hath died

  When I was but an infant newly born—

  Some accident of fate befell her whilst

  She underwent postpartum liposuction.

  No memories have I of her, alas,

  Yet still pretend she watcheth over me.

  [To portrait:] Superb marks earn’d I in geometry,

  Art thou not proud thereof, sweet mother mine?

  Yet, what is this my senses do receive—

  What strains are these that echo in mine ears,

  Play’d by a music box of somber tone?

  The maudlin melodies of college tunes,

  The universally sad harmonies

  Resounding through our universities—

  These can mean but one thing: Josh hath arriv’d.

  Enter JOSH, looking into the ice house.

  Canst tell me wherefore thou wouldst listen to

  Such ballads as would make a strong man cry?

  JOSH

  Holla, my halfway sister. Thou art here,

  So who then watcheth o’er the Galleria,

  Where thou dost ever spend thy precious time?

  CHER

  Thy shirt of flannel—dost thou pay respect

  Unto the gods who make Seattle gray,

  Or merely, mayhap, needest thou the warmth

  Because thou near the ice house ever stand’st?

  [He pokes her side.

  JOSH

  Thy belly filleth like a burlap sack.

  CHER

  Thy face doth race to catch up with thy mouth,

  For both are filthy.

  JOSH

  —If thou wouldst face truth,

  Thy tongue is far too sharp to match thy mien.

  CHER

  Thy face too mean for me to hold my tongue.

  JOSH

  Thy sharpness tells a tale a man could fear.

  CHER

  Thy tongue and face should turn their tails and flee.

  JOSH

  A flea would gladly take a turn on thee.

  CHER

  Thy tongue dost turn its face to tales. Farewell.

  JOSH

  With my tongue in your tail? Let us restart.

  I visited with Father at his office.

  CHER

  The man is not thy father; wherefore canst

  Thou not some other fam’ly find to torture?

  JOSH

  My mother may have married someone else,

  Yet this makes th’other man no father mine.

  CHER

  Indeed, such is the meaning of the word—

  What is a father but thy mother’s love?

  Thou turnest words so that their sense doth flee—

  I prithee, stay not at our house too long.

  JOSH

  With such a welcome, surely ’tis my hope,

  For who’d not bask in sunshine such as thou

  Hast, in these moments, shone upon my soul?

  Yet I must disappoint thee—I’ve a place

  Near school, in Westwood, where I’ll plague thee not.

  CHER

  Belike thou wouldst prefer a distant school,

  Upon the eastern coast. They say the lasses

  Of New York University are plain

  And have few standards in their choice of men.

  JOSH

  Thou shouldst turn jester, funny as thou art.

  [Cher opens her music box.

  Nay, we’ll not listen to such tripe as this;

  The news reports are better for our minds.

  CHER

  Not in my house an hour, yet thou wouldst force

  Thy will on me, dispensing thy commands?

  JOSH

  Except where thou and all thy friends reside,

  Contempo Casual, it is consider’d

  A virtue excellent to know the matters

  Affecting broader corners of the globe.

  CHER

  My thanks. In virtue, certainly I need

  Instruction from a teacher such as thou.

  Remind me what thou know’st of Kenny G,

  How silhouettes and songbirds move thy soul?

  Enter MEL HOROWITZ.

  MEL

  Come, children, join me at the dining table,

  Your bickering, which I did overhear,

  Hath given me a hefty appetite.

  [They all sit down together.

  Josh, welcome once again unto our home.

  Art thou yet growing? Thou dost taller seem

  Than when I last saw thee, at Eastertide.

  JOSH

  Though I have not, of late, ta’en mine own measure,

  Methinks I am as large as ever was.

  MEL

  Looks he not bigger unto thine eyes, Cher?

  CHER

  ’Tis possible his head hath grown a size,

  Therein to fit his rising self-esteem.

  MEL

  Hast thou,
Josh, given thought to our past talks

  Of corp’rate law and all its benefits?

  JOSH

  Yea, many greenbacks may be made therewith,

  Yet I would give some green back to the earth

  And mayhap ply environmental law.

  MEL

  Thou wouldst enjoy a sad, frustrating life?

  CHER

  No matter what Josh does, such shall be his.

  MEL

  At least the lad knows what he would pursue,

  Whilst thou pursuest only fashion’s paths.

  He also doth attend a college fine,

  Whilst ’tis not in thy plans.

  CHER

  —Indeed, I have

  Not gone to Smith.

  JOSH

  —Go there? Canst even spell it?

  MEL

  I would see thee have more direction, Cher.

  CHER

  Nay, Father, for I have direction plenty.

  JOSH

  Thy compass pointeth mallward, verily.

  MEL

  Our conversation bringeth to my mind

  Today’s report card. Shalt thou soon amaze

  As I admire, appreciate thine As?

  CHER

  Anon, but ’tis not yet prepar’d for thee.

  MEL

  What meanest thou? Reports were due today,

  We had assurance from the school thereof.

  CHER

  Some teachers, Father, ply egregious schemes

  Upon the tender feelings of thy kin—

  In short, they lowball me most viciously.

  Thy keen advice I, in this matter, heed:

  “Accept thou ne’er the offer which comes first,

  For as is true of wines, antiques, and cheeses,

  The thing that ages more may better prove.”

  The grades receiv’d today are infants mere,

  A point from which to ripen, grow, mature—

  The starting block from which I’ll win the race,

  The jumping-off point whence I’ll higher rise.

  Negotiations now begin in earnest.

  MEL

  In sooth, thou hast well heeded thine old man.

  Enter MESSENGER.

  All rise as if to answer a summons.

  CHER

  Is’t Dee who calls?

  JOSH

  —Some message mine?

  [The messenger hands a note to Mel.

  MEL

  —For me?

  A message come from Jacob. What is it?

  [Mel reads the message.

  Nay, nay, my schedule is already full!

  [Exeunt Mel with the messenger.

  CHER

  Thou hast the color brown upon thy nose,

  Which marketh how thou begg’st for Father’s favor.

  JOSH

  Thou hast the color black upon thy heart,

  A churlish, superficial space cadet.

  How canst thou think thy teachers e’er will change