William Shakespeare's Star Wars Trilogy Read online

  That ship in many cases sav’d my life!

  What stories of adventure I could tell

  In which the ship doth play the central part.

  She is the fastest heap of scrap in all

  The galaxy!

  LEIA

  [aside:] —He loveth this old ship

  Almost as much as Han! This love of ships,

  ’Tis like an illness wild within these men.

  HAN

  Now tell me of thy life and bus’ness, friend—

  How doth the gas mine for thee? Doth it pay?

  LANDO

  ’Tis credits in and credits out, but more,

  I fear, of out than in. We are but small,

  An outpost minor. Thus have I supply

  Dilemmas, labor difficulties, too.

  HAN

  Ha, ha!

  LANDO

  —Why say’st thou “Ha”? And wherefore twice?

  HAN

  ’Tis thou. Pray, hearken unto thine own voice.

  So rife with deep responsibility,

  So serious, experienc’d, mature,

  And bus’nesslike. ’Twas not my expectation.

  LANDO

  [aside:] O weep, my heart, to see him brings such joy,

  And pains me more to seal his awful fate.

  [To Han:] Pray, hear me truly, Han. Whatever else

  May happen, hear these words: this moment doth

  Recall for me our past together, which

  Is sweetness in my memory.

  HAN

  —Indeed.

  ’Tis well to see thee thriving so, my friend.

  LANDO

  And thou hast hit the mark: I duties bear,

  And grave responsibilities are mine.

  ’Tis but the price of one’s success, I s’pose.

  [Exeunt Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, and Lando.

  Enter another 3PO DROID.

  C-3PO

  What joy to see a kind, familiar face.

  DROID

  E chu ta!

  [Exit 3PO droid.

  C-3PO

  —O, how rude! But pray, what’s here?

  [C-3PO enters another room.

  Was that an R2 unit’s sound I heard?

  Is’t possible that R2-D2’s here?

  Hello, who is herein?

  Enter a SHADOWY FIGURE.

  FIGURE

  —Say, who art thou?

  C-3PO

  Alas, this is my end! An enemy—

  If only I could others tell. O me!

  [Exeunt as C-3PO is shot into pieces.

  Enter PRINCESS LEIA.

  LEIA

  Time’s passage hath not sooth’d my mind’s distress.

  Full many moments we have waited here

  Within this lovely city in the clouds,

  Yet I am neither rested nor relax’d.

  Foreboding doth creep o’er me like a plague—

  My mind is sore afeard, my hands do shake,

  And nowhere can my troubl’d soul find peace.

  The quick permission given us to land,

  The too-familiar welcome Lando gave,

  A small apartment offer’d for our use—

  It seems as though we were expected here,

  Though how this could have happen’d, I know not.

  For surely when th’Imperi’l fleet broke up,

  We in the opposite direction flew.

  But e’en beyond that worry there is more,

  For though I do not love the prating droid

  C-3PO has not been seen since our

  Arrival here. We have too much of quiet—

  I almost miss his constant chattering.

  Enter HAN SOLO.

  HAN

  All shall be well. The ship is fix’d with care.

  There are but two or three things more, then will

  We make our swift departure hence. ’Tis fair?

  LEIA

  The swiftest shall be best. Some thing is still

  Awry. Where is C-3PO? He hath

  Not seen us or been seen for many hours,

  And no one knows about his way or path.

  Hath he lost all his faithful, droidly sense?

  Most happ’ly would I by him be annoy’d,

  If it did mean that he, at least, were near.

  HAN

  I shall inquire of Lando ’bout the droid.

  But in the meantime, Leia, have no fear.

  LEIA

  I trust not Lando.

  HAN

  —Neither, sweet, do I,

  Yet he’s my friend who helpeth us, dost see?

  I’ll warrant that we soon from here shall fly.

  LEIA

  Then thou shalt take thy flight as well—from me.

  HAN

  The future has its own time yet to write,

  And wheth’r or not we worry, my good lass,

  It comes as sure as day doth follow night.

  So, think not of it till it come to pass.

  [Exeunt Han Solo and Princess Leia.

  Enter a merry band of UGNAUGHTS, singing as they pass around parts of C-3PO’s body.

  UGN. 1

  O pass me that!

  UGN. 2

  O give me this!

  UGN. 3

  We Ugnaughts are a’working!

  UGN. 2

  O pass the head!

  UGN. 3

  Give me the chest!

  UGN. 1

  Our duties never shirking!

  UGN. 3

  Thou naughty droid—

  UGN. 1

  Thou hast been caught!

  UGN. 2

  Thy prying never ceases!

  UGN. 1

  Your lesson learn’d—

  UGN. 2

  Our treasures earn’d—

  UGN. 3

  For now thou art in pieces!

  Enter CHEWBACCA.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  [Chewbacca begins collecting pieces of C-3PO.

  UGN. 2

  Take not the arms!

  UGN. 3

  Pray, leave the legs!

  UGN. 1

  Thy greed thou art revealing!

  UGN. 3

  But naught shall last!

  UGN. 1

  For nothing doth!

  UGN. 2

  Our treasures thou art stealing!

  UGN. 1

  So shall we speak—

  UGN. 2

  Our proverb true—

  UGN. 3

  With voices loudly ringing—

  UGN. 2

  It easy came—

  UGN. 3

  And easy goes—

  UGN. 1

  But still we keep on singing!

  [Exeunt Ugnaughts, singing.

  Enter HAN SOLO and PRINCESS LEIA.

  LEIA

  I see, Chewbacca, thou hast found the droid,

  At least some small and varied parts of him.

  O, what hath happen’d?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  HAN

  —Thou hast found him

  Upon a junk pile, what? How can that be?

  C-3PO was fine when we arriv’d.

  But now, I fear, he is more dread than droid.

  LEIA

  ’Tis such a mess. Canst thou repair him, good

  Chewbacca?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Egh, auugh.

  HAN

  —Lando’s people can

  Provide the cure.

  LEIA

  —Nay, thank you: I’d not hav’t.

  Enter LANDO.

  LANDO

  Forgive me, worthy guests. Do I intrude?

  LEIA

  Nay, verily.

  LANDO

  —O, but thou art a beauty.

  I prithee, never leave—thou dost belong

  With us in our great city in the clouds.

  Thy loveliness doth put the sun to shame,

 
Thy brightness of your cheek would shame the stars.

  LEIA

  [aside:] This scoundrel too familiar is. Now do

  I see that though I once thought Han uncouth,

  He is the sweetest smuggler ever liv’d.

  [To Lando:] Thou hast my thanks.

  LANDO

  —Now come, will ye join me

  For some repast?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh.

  LANDO

  —Chewie, fear thou not!

  Be sure I meant that all invited are.

  [Seeing C-3PO:] Is there some matter with your droid?

  HAN

  —Nay, I

  Know not of any matter.

  [They walk, leaving C-3PO’s parts.

  Tell me, though,

  As we proceed to supper: art thou an

  Accepted member of the mining guild?

  LANDO

  Nay, we are none. Our operation is

  Still small enough that we may be discreet.

  ’Tis advantageous to our customers,

  For they are anxious to escape attention.

  LEIA

  [aside:] O, all this talk of bus’ness, mines and stealth!

  My mind cannot abide it, for I sense

  That terrible events shall soon befall.

  Within my mind a vision of some pain

  Begins to form, but still is indistinct.

  Would that I had some time to clear my thoughts!

  HAN

  [to Lando:] But art thou not afraid the Empire shall

  Find out about your operation and

  Then drive you out of business, or e’en worse?

  LANDO

  ’Tis e’er a danger that looms over us

  And all that we have built in Bespin’s walls.

  But things have just develop’d which shall make

  Our future safe and well-secur’d. A deal

  I’ve with the Empire made that shall keep them

  Far distant from our operations.

  [They arrive at a door and open it.

  Enter DARTH VADER and BOBA FETT, revealed inside.

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  HAN

  [aside:] But what is this? Betrayal! Hands, take flight—

  My blaster shall I use, and save us yet!

  [Han fires, but Vader deflects the blast and uses the Force to takes Han’s blaster.

  VADER

  We would be honor’d should ye join us here.

  LANDO

  I am most sorry, worthy friend. They did

  Arrive in Bespin ere thou here didst fly.

  HAN

  No sorrier, I do expect, than I.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4.

  Bespin, the cloud city.

  Enter GUARDS 1 and 2.

  GUARD 1

  Oi! Well met, worthy friend. What dost thou here?

  GUARD 2

  I have been poring o’er our city’s plans.

  GUARD 1

  What’s this? A newfound interest? Shalt thou

  Turn architect?

  GUARD 2

  —Nay, nay, and yet I have

  Found something curious.

  GUARD 1

  —Indeed?

  GUARD 2

  —Indeed.

  GUARD 1

  Pray tell!

  GUARD 2

  —The city hath been built within

  The Empire’s strict specifications for

  Design and building standards.

  GUARD 1

  —Aye, ’twas wise,

  Thus may the Bespin council never have

  A reason for to fear the Empire’s sharp

  Inspectors.

  GUARD 2

  —Verily, but follow on:

  That they unto the code this city built

  Is not the thing that I found strange. Instead,

  It was the code’s requirements I did mark.

  For didst thou know the Empire doth require

  That any major structure shall include

  At least one chasm that’s deep and long and dark?

  Not only shall these chasms exist: the code

  Doth further specify that they shall be

  Abutting pathways where pedestrians

  May walk. The Death Star that was built some years

  Ago had, evidently, sev’ral of

  These holes, and our Cloud City has them, too.

  Is not this strange?

  GUARD 1

  —I know them well, and did

  Go walking past just such a gaping hole

  That led to nothingness but yesterday.

  But wherefore dost thou say ’tis strange, I pray?

  GUARD 2

  It simply maketh little sense to put

  Such vast, deep holes in ev’ry structure next

  To well-worn paths. Could not a person, by

  Some simple misstep, fall most easily

  Down one of these great chasms? So wherefore place

  Such hazards into ev’ry structure built?

  GUARD 1

  I see your reasoning, but shall rebut:

  The Empire is the greatest strength e’er known, ’Tis true?

  GUARD 2

  —Of course. I’d not say otherwise.

  GUARD 1

  And any great thing—person, beast, or realm—

  Doth put its greatness on display, agreed?

  GUARD 2

  ’Tis natural, I’ll warrant. Pray, say on.

  GUARD 1

  I posit that the Empire doth command

  That structures have these chasms immense because

  It is through their immensity that our

  Great Empire’s strength is shown. And since they are

  Vast holes that deadly are, should one fall in,

  They send a message strong and clear to all:

  The Empire is a proud and mighty pow’r

  And doth not fear sure death, but laughs at it.

  I’ faith, we are so full of life that we

  Walk by our certain passing daily—it

  Is but quotidian for us—and yet

  We have no fear.

  GUARD 2

  —Thy point is clearly made.

  But still, I think it strange that this is true:

  A structure is not whole till it hath holes.

  Such things lie far beyond my understanding,

  Yet do I trust there is a master plan.

  GUARD 1

  Shall we to supper, friend?

  GUARD 2

  —Forsooth, lead on!

  [Exeunt Guards 1 and 2.

  Enter LANDO.

  LANDO

  O what is this dire sound I just have heard?

  My friend Han Solo screaming in great pain,

  The shrieks of man turn’d victim through my fault—

  My quick decision to protect myself.

  Yet what choice had I? Could I else have done?

  No person in my place would diff’rently

  Behave. No choice had I but one: to save

  Myself, my interests, and my belov’d

  Cloud City from a dark and awful fate.

  Yet ever shall my soul be haunted by

  These dismal howls of my old friend, unless

  I can find some way to make recompense.

  But how shall that e’er be whilst Vader’s threats

  Do cast their shadows o’er my ev’ry move?

  I know not how, but yet it must be so.

  I shall—belike with loyal Lobot’s help—

  Discover yet a way to make this right,

  And save myself from a betrayer’s name!

  Enter LOBOT, DARTH VADER, and BOBA FETT.

  VADER

  [to Boba Fett:] Thou mayst take Captain Solo and transport

  Him unto Jabba once Skywalker has

  Arriv’d and captur’d been. Say, is this clear?

  FETT

  ’Tis, my Lord. But Solo
is no good to me, should

  he be dead upon delivery. He hath been tortur’d

  severely in this last hour. ’Tis well, but I prithee do

  not kill the man ere I deliver him to Jabba.

  VADER

  No harm beyond undoing shall he bear.

  LANDO

  Lord Vader, do I comprehend this fully—

  Thou shalt surrender Han unto this man,

  This bounty hunter here? So what is next?

  I prithee, tell me: what shall happen to

  Both Leia and the Wookiee?

  VADER

  —Never shall

  They leave this city.

  LANDO

  —This doth push the bounds

  Too far! Imprisonment was never a

  Condition of the bargain we did make,

  And ’twas not in the plan to hand o’er Han

  Unto this bounty hunter!

  VADER

  —Mayhap thou

  Dost think thou hast unfairly treated been?

  LANDO

  [aside:] A threat is in his voice and aspect. [To Vader:]

  Nay,

  For I shall model flexibility.

  VADER

  ’Tis well. ’Twould be a pity should I feel

  It necessary to retain a full

  And armor’d garrison in Bespin. [To Boba Fett:] Come!

  [Exeunt Darth Vader and Boba Fett.

  LANDO

  He orders what he will sans sense or rhyme—

  This deal is worse becoming all the time!

  LOBOT

  . . .

  [Exeunt.