William Shakespeare's The Empire Striketh Back Read online

However can I love thee, being as

  You are? But being other than you are,

  I would not love thee. How this pirate hath

  Laid claim upon the bounty of my soul!

  O, wherefore did I speak so testily?

  Why is it that whenever he is near

  My wit is turn’d to unto a laser beam

  With Han plac’d firmly in its sights? I tear

  His heart in twain with words too cruel and harsh,

  Then wonder why he is so full of pride.

  ’Tis now quite clear that he with arrogance

  Doth speak so that he may his heart protect.

  Forsooth, was e’er a woman placèd in

  So delicate a situation yet?

  [Exit Princess Leia.

  Enter C-3PO.

  C-3PO

  O, where is that knave R2 now? For when

  I need him most, then is he far away.

  Perhaps on some adventure, which will serve

  To puff him up most mightily, and leave

  Him ever bragging o’er his exploits. Pish!

  The scrawny, errant scamp perplexes me,

  For he is both my nuisance and delight—

  The thorn deep in my side and, stranger still,

  The very object of my happiness.

  Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA.

  Now, Captain Solo, pray, a word with thee.

  HAN

  [aside:] A word from thee belike means hundreds more.

  C-3PO

  I know not where your ship did learn to speak—

  It hath a most peculiar dialect.

  It is as though ’twere programm’d by a thief,

  And spends its days with smugglers, thugs, and crooks.

  But now, no more of that; my point is made.

  It doth report the power coupling on

  The axis negative is polariz’d,

  And must replacèd be to operate.

  HAN

  ’Tis plain it must replacèd be. Presume

  Thou not to tell a pilot—one so grand

  As me, at least—the bus’ness of his ship.

  [Exit C-3PO.

  [To Chewbacca:] Good Chewie?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Egh?

  HAN

  —It seems we must replace

  The power coupling negative, yes?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Grrm.

  [Exit Chewbacca.

  Enter PRINCESS LEIA, aside, working.

  HAN

  [aside:] We are alone. Yet ev’ry time I have

  Approach’d her recently I’ve been rebuff’d.

  This should not be a nut I cannot crack—

  I am not ignorant in women’s ways.

  Although, by troth, most often when I speak

  Of “she” or “her,” I indicate my ship.

  And yet, I am a man of many strengths:

  I pilot ships with talent, skill, and grace,

  In battles or in races hard to best,

  My swift maneuvers legendary are

  And through the galaxy my ship is known.

  But with this princess, all my skill is naught.

  My tongue is tied, and I resort to barbs

  And witticisms sloppily convey’d.

  How shall I show this princess my true heart?

  How set aside my ego and be kind?

  Here, in this moment, I shall undertake

  To set my pathway not toward my pride,

  But through the smoother course that runs to love.

  [He approaches to help her and is shoved away.

  [To Leia:] Pray patience, Worship, I but try to help!

  LEIA

  Couldst thou forswear thy pompous attitude

  And promise thou shalt ne’er call me that name?

  HAN

  Aye, Leia.

  LEIA

  [aside:] —Prithee, give me patience now!

  To make him thine, respond thou not with fire.

  [To Han:] You do not make it simple.

  HAN

  —Yes, ’tis true.

  But ’tis not I alone who is to blame,

  For thou couldst softer and more gentle be.

  O Princess, may we end these pointless games?

  May we two souls of flame extinguish’d be

  Just long enough to drink of love’s rewards?

  I ask thee, truly, dost thou sometimes think

  That certain virtues may be found in me?

  Canst thou imagine ever looking deep

  Into my soul to see the man within?

  [Leia stops working and rubs her sore hands.

  LEIA

  Occasionally, mayhap, when you are

  Not acting in the manner of a scoundrel.

  [Han Solo takes Leia’s hands in his.

  HAN

  A scoundrel? “Scoundrel” is the word you choose?

  I like that word, when spoken from your lips.

  LEIA

  Pray cease that touch, it doth my heart confuse.

  HAN

  But wherefore cease? What reason shall eclipse

  The greater reason of my heart’s intent?

  LEIA

  But lo, my hands are dirtied by my work.

  HAN

  My hands are likewise dirty. Pray, assent

  Unto this moment. What fear makes you shirk?

  LEIA

  What fear? I tell thee, I am not afraid.

  HAN

  Did I imagine that your hands did shake?

  Thou likest that I am of scoundrel made.

  For thy life could more scoundrel gladly take.

  If thou wouldst cast my suit off, think again—

  I would that thou within me deeper look.

  LEIA

  I tell thee true, that I do like nice men.

  HAN

  I too am nice.

  [They kiss.

  Enter C-3PO.

  LEIA

  [aside:] —He kisses by the book.

  C-3PO

  Sir, Sir, I’ve isolated the reverse

  Flux power coupling. Have I done thee proud?

  [Exit Princess Leia.

  HAN

  O thank you, 3PO, thank you so much.

  C-3PO

  But speak none of it, Sir—I have a touch.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2.

  Aboard the Empire’s Super Star Destroyer.

  Enter DARTH VADER and CAPTAIN NEEDA (in beam).

  NEEDA

  The swift Millenn’um Falcon made its way

  Unto the field of asteroids and that,

  My great Lord Vader, was the last that they

  Within our scopes did e’er appear. They must

  Have been destroy’d, if one considers all

  The damage we have tolerated here.

  VADER

  Your answer’s insufficient, Captain, for

  I know they are alive. Thy scanners are

  Poor proxies for the Force. Now listen well

  To my command: I tell thee ev’ry ship

  That hath some power left to give shall search

  The ast’roid field until they have been found.

  NEEDA

  I shall with haste fulfill thy shrewd decree.

  [Exit Captain Needa from beam.

  Enter ADMIRAL PIETT.

  PIETT

  My Lord?

  VADER

  —Yes, Admiral?

  PIETT

  —The Emperor

  Commands that thou do contact him at once.

  VADER

  Then, move the ship out of the ast’roid field

  That I may with my master clearly speak.

  PIETT

  We will, my Lord.

  [Exit Admiral Piett.

  VADER

  —Now shall I speak with my

  Dread Emperor. The man who gave me life

  When all was lost. The man to whom I owe

  All that I am, and e’er shall be. The man,

/>   Indeed, who like a father is to me.

  His plans for pow’r and schemes most excellent

  I do obey and carry out with pride.

  Though people fear my aspect bleak and dark,

  They should, more surely, fear what I will do

  When answering his perfect, flawless will.

  For sooner would I sacrifice my life

  Than disobey the word of this great man.

  Enter EMPEROR PALPATINE, in beam.

  What is thy bidding, master pure and true?

  EMPEROR

  There is a great disturbance in the Force.

  VADER

  I too have felt it.

  EMPEROR

  —A new enemy

  Arises, e’en the rebel who destroy’d

  The Death Star—and I have no doubt this boy

  Is kin to Anakin Skywalker.

  VADER

  [aside:] —O,

  Profoundest revelation! I knew he

  Was powerful and bore Skywalker’s name,

  Yet that the boy is kin to Anakin

  I did not see. [To the Emperor:] How is this possible?

  EMPEROR

  You only must within your feelings search,

  Lord Vader. Then shalt thou too know ’tis true.

  He could destroy us.

  VADER

  —He is but a boy,

  And Obi-Wan no longer is his help.

  EMPEROR

  The Force is strong with him, and mark me well:

  The son of Skywalker must ne’er become

  A Jedi. Dost thou comprehend my words?

  VADER

  [aside:] I do his meaning understand, and yet

  Another future for this boy I’ll write.

  Not death, but something even greater still.

  It may be that this young Skywalker will

  Still prove to be most worthy of the name.

  [To the Emperor:] If he could but be turn’d, an ally strong

  He could become.

  EMPEROR

  —Indeed, thou speakest true.

  The boy may prove himself an asset sure.

  Can it be done? What is thy true reply?

  VADER

  The boy shall surely join us, or shall die.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 3.

  Inside Yoda’s homestead.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER.

  LUKE

  This creature I have follow’d to his home,

  But still no further answers are reveal’d.

  It seemeth that he stalls in bringing me

  Unto the one I truly hope to see.

  With all that hath befallen in this place

  My patience runneth thin. I’ll press the point.

  Enter Yoda.

  Thy generosity is truly rare,

  I’ll warrant that thy food delicious is.

  Yet neither rhyme nor reason have I heard

  Of wherefore we may not go, even now,

  To see good Master Yoda where he lives.

  YODA

  Pray, patience, young one.

  For Jedi too must eat—thus

  My good food, eat now.

  LUKE

  How many leagues away is Yoda? Shall

  The journey to him long and per’lous be?

  YODA

  Not far is Yoda.

  Aye, soon thou shalt be with him.

  First, eat of rootleaf.

  Feast for a Jedi—

  Food that enlivens the mind

  Should thy repast be.

  And now, a question:

  What drives the young man’s heart to

  Learn the Jedi way?

  LUKE

  This is an inquiry perceptive, friend,

  For I am driv’n by force unto the Force:

  My noble father doth inform my steps.

  YODA

  Thy father, indeed.

  Powerful Jedi was he.

  Powerful Jedi.

  LUKE

  Avaunt, thou silly creature, how canst thou

  My father know? For surely thou dost not

  E’en know who I am. Fie! I know not what

  Or who or why or when or where or how

  Hath brought about this meeting! Time is short;

  Each minute pass’d with thee hath gone to waste!

  YODA

  [speaking to the air:] I cannot teach him.

  The boy hath none of patience.

  How shall he be taught?

  The voice of the GHOST OF OBI-WAN KENOBI is heard.

  OBI-WAN

  He patience lacks, but patience can be learn’d.

  YODA

  Much anger in him.

  Sudden and quick in quarrel:

  Too like his father.

  OBI-WAN

  Was I then diff’rent when thou didst teach me?

  YODA

  He is not ready.

  ’Tis now the thing that I see:

  This one’s unprepar’d.

  LUKE

  ’Tis Yoda! Nay, but Ben, pray argue for

  My cause, for verily prepar’d am I!

  I can and shall a Jedi be. True, Ben?

  YODA

  Ready are you, hmm?

  What know you yet of ready?

  Say naught of “ready.”

  For eight hundred years

  Have I the Jedi trainèd,

  So say not “ready.”

  I my own counsel

  Shall keep on who’s to be trained!

  A Jedi is wise.

  A strong commitment

  And a most serious mind

  Are necessary.

  Long have I watch’d him.

  All his life looking away

  To the future, hmm,

  To the horizon.

  Ne’er his mind on where he was,

  What he was doing!

  Ventures, excitement:

  A Jedi craveth not these.

  Thou art reckless, aye!

  OBI-WAN

  And so was I, if thou dost think on it.

  YODA

  And he is too old

  The training to begin now.

  Certain, he’s too old.

  LUKE

  But Master Yoda, I have learn’d so much.

  YODA

  And will he finish

  The thing he doth begin here?

  I prithee, tell me.

  LUKE

  I shall not fail thee: ’tis my promise true,

  For I am not afraid of anything.

  YODA

  Thou shalt be yet, Luke.

  My words most carefully heed:

  Thou shalt be, indeed.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4.

  Aboard the Millennium Falcon, inside the asteroid.

  Enter HAN SOLO, CHEWBACCA, and C-3PO.

  C-3PO

  Good Sir, if I may venture my belief—

  HAN

  I tell thee honestly, C-3PO,

  That neither appetite nor inclination

  Have I to feast upon your odd beliefs.

  Do thou thy work but keep opinion out,

  And we shall feast together on the silence.

  Enter PRINCESS LEIA, in fear.

  LEIA

  O Han, a horrid sight I have just seen!

  Whilst I did in the cockpit sit and think—

  HAN

  On what? Pray tell: what didst thou think upon?

  LEIA

  ’Tis not the time for jokes and parries, please!

  As I did sit there, suddenly a jolt

  Went through me as I heard a sound upon

  The window. Looking closer, I espied

  A second beast outside that hard upon

  The window fell. There’s something out there, Han—

  Beyond the ship, abiding in the cave.

  [A great sound is heard and the ship shakes.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  C-3PO

  —Listen!

&nb
sp; HAN

  —I shall venture out to see.

  LEIA

  Nay, art thou mad? It is not wise or safe

  To go without when there are creatures we

  Know nothing of.

  HAN

  —This bucket is just fix’d,

  Wouldst thou I let some thing tear it apart?

  LEIA

  I see thy reason, and shall go with thee.

  C-3PO

  I shall with courage and with honor stay

  Behind to bravely guard the ship.

  [Another sound is heard.

  O dear!

  [Exit C-3PO as the others go outside the ship.

  LEIA

  What is this ground that we do walk upon?

  ’Tis strange—it doth not feel at all like rock.

  HAN

  Indeed, with thine assessment I agree:

  It seems there is much moisture in this place.

  LEIA

  I have a feeling bad about this cave.

  What odd new situation find we here?

  Do not these signs and portents give thee fear?

  HAN

  Aye.

  [Han sees something move.

  Take thou cover!

  [He shoots.

  ’Tis all right.

  LEIA

  —What is’t?

  HAN

  ’Tis what I did suspect: some mynocks. They

  Are fasten’d to the ship, a’chewing on

  The power cables.

  LEIA

  —Mynocks? O what beasts!

  HAN

  Return inside, and we shall search for more.

  [Several mynocks fly by. Han shoots, and the cave walls shake.