William Shakespeare's the Taming of the Clueless Read online

Go thou upstairs and something don atop,

  That thou mayst cover’d and more modest be.

  CHER

  Already ’twas my plan. Wait thou a moment.

  [Exit Cher.

  MEL

  [to Christian:] Thou, boy! Should anything befall my daughter,

  I have a musket and a shovel both,

  And happily would I the pair employ.

  Methinks no one would mourn thee, wert thou gone.

  CHRISTIAN

  [aside:] No parent was so charming since Medea.

  Enter CHER, wearing the same dress and a see-through sweater.

  CHER

  Farewell, sweet father.

  CHRISTIAN

  —Gentlemen, adieu.

  [Cher and Christian walk aside, heading to the party.

  JOSH

  [aside:] My plan hath gone awry, and she is gone.

  I cannot fathom wherefore I am irk’d—

  I care not how the lass comports herself.

  [Mel, Josh, and clerks continue to work as Cher and Christian venture outside.

  CHER

  Thy carriage is as fancy as can be!

  CHRISTIAN

  My thanks. Thy father’s scary as can be.

  CHER

  Indeed.

  [They climb into Christian’s carriage.

  CHRISTIAN

  —Dost thou like Billie Holiday?

  CHER

  He is the greatest singer ever known.

  Enter BALTHASAR on balcony.

  BALTHASAR

  [aside:] Who do you think shall wander into town?

  You never shall guess who—

  ’Tis lovable, huggable Em’ly Brown,

  Or Lady Brown to you.

  If e’er the rainfall, pattering, comes down,

  My heaven turneth blue—

  Can it be sending me that Em’ly Brown

  Or Lady Brown to you?

  [Exit Balthasar. Exeunt Cher and Christian severally.

  JOSH

  [to Mel:] I did not like the lad, nor never shall.

  MEL

  What is to like? He is an errant youth.

  JOSH

  Perchance I should unto the party go,

  That I may watch o’er Cher and keep her safe.

  MEL

  If thou bethinkest thou shouldst thither go,

  I will not hinder thee—go with my blessing.

  JOSH

  Thou hast no need of me?

  MEL

  —Nay, all is well.

  JOSH

  If thou preferest—

  MEL

  —Get thee hence, be gone!

  JOSH

  I shall. Mine eyes shall stand in place of thine,

  Observing Cher with keenest aptitude,

  So shall it be like thou wert there thyself.

  MEL

  Go, then, and may it bring thee reassurance.

  [Exit Josh.

  The lad’s emotions wildly swirl about

  As if she were the sea and he a squall.

  One thing is certain—if I keep him here,

  He shall be little use to anyone.

  Let him go thither to the party where

  He’ll keep an eye upon my rosebud, Cher.

  [Exeunt.

  The party.

  Enter CHER, CHRISTIAN, JOSH, ELTON, AMBER, many STUDENTS, and few ADULTS at the party. Enter BALTHASAR and other MUSICIANS on balcony.

  BALTHASAR

  A sonnet, young ones, to begin our fest:

  [Singing:] There was a place, whose name I did forget,

  Is’t that I can’t recall, or choose I not?

  Whate’er it be, it causeth me to fret,

  Yet let’s continue, that we find the plot.

  There was a girl whose name I do not know.

  She gave affection; I with love did bind her.

  I told her if I left, one day I’d show—

  Perchance I shall, yet may need a reminder.

  There was a verse that I had hop’d to write—

  One day, a book entire I shall design.

  Someday, be it in daytime or at night,

  I would both be and spend a storyline.

  One day! One day! When it shall be, who knows?

  Someday, someday, yea someday I suppose.

  [All dance. Cher and Christian dance close to each other.

  CHER

  [aside:] We dance, and ’tis as though I have grown wings,

  Transported to the air upon a feather.

  Our bodies touch, and instantly my heart

  Begins to beat a march at double time,

  The thumping forceful such that all shall hear’t.

  I shall not call this nascent feeling love,

  Lest it be spoil’d before it can mature.

  Yet, if this be not foreshadow of love—

  If my mind can be practically numb

  And I forget all others but the lad,

  If I feel I could walk upon the clouds,

  Ascendant, like one walking with the gods,

  If I can see his smile, his look, his moves,

  And recognize therein a soul inclin’d,

  Yet still this be not love—I’ll never trust

  My heart or its discerning pow’rs again.

  Enter TAI, who stumbles and falls as she walks in.

  Alas, poor Tai! My sister, art thou well?

  TAI

  Fie! ’Tis embarrassing as night is dark.

  CHER

  Nay, none did see the fall that did befall.

  TAI

  Thy words are full of friendship’s comfort, aye,

  Yet I am certain thou art wrong. Forsooth,

  I shall be known the night entire as she

  Who hither came upon her derrière!

  CHER

  I promise, Tai, no soul hath thee espied.

  STUDENT 1

  [approaching, to Tai:] Say, art thou hurt? Thy fall look’d terrible—

  In all my days, I never saw a fall

  That seem’d as painful as the one thou hadst.

  I’d likely weep, should I go tumbling thus.

  TAI

  My gratitude for thy concern, I’m sure.

  [Student 1 walks aside. Tai notices Elton dancing with Amber.

  Cher, look—’tis Elton! He who haunts my dreams,

  Caught dancing happily with Amber—ah!

  Not only am I easily dismiss’d,

  But he hath taken up with that foul trollop?

  CHER

  Belike he only dances with her, Tai,

  And hath no thought of amorous intent.

  [Elton and Amber kiss.

  TAI

  Pray, tell: think’st thou the lass is beautiful?

  CHER

  Were she a painting, she were a Monet.

  TAI

  Who is Monet?

  CHER

  —An artist of renown.

  From far away, his paintings lovely look,

  Yet closer in, the truth doth come to light—

  A mess of splotches, blemishes, and strokes.

  Let us ask Christian. [To him:] Say, what makest thou

  Of Amber, what is thine opinion of her?

  CHRISTIAN

  She dwells in Hagsville. Population: one.

  CHER

  [to Tai:] The truth hath been reveal’d, from one who is

  A connoisseur of women, verily.

  CHRISTIAN

  Wouldst thou believe the hosts of this event

  Are charging for the priv’lege to drink beer?

  Here is my charge: if thou wouldst lend a ducat,

  I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a beer

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sp; Today.

  [Cher pulls money from her dress and hands it to Christian.

  CHER

  —Of course. Charge it to mine account.

  Return anon with beer, and we shall charge

  Unto the dance floor.

  CHRISTIAN

  —Thank you heartily.

  [Christian walks aside, to buy beer. He talks with the barkeep.

  TAI

  He is adorable in the extreme!

  CHER

  Dost thou bear witness to his moving heart,

  How ev’ry day it closer turns to me,

  An ’twere a sunflower and I the sun?

  He’s lim’d, I warrant you, past all defense.

  Another lass approacheth unto him

  And he ignores her like she were a pest—

  “Unhand me, harlot, Cher’s the one for me.”

  Thus says he, or so I imagine ’tis.

  He and the barkeep strike a conversation—

  It seems they do enjoy each other well.

  He peradventure tells the man of me

  And how he strives to win my tender heart.

  Mayhap the two shall soon become good friends,

  The barkeep our best man when we are wed.

  [Tai sees Josh talking with a man across the room.

  TAI

  Behold, there’s Josh unto the party join’d!

  CHER

  I did not see him enter, yet his nature

  Cannot escape itself; he hath slunk in

  Unnotic’d to the party. Thereupon,

  Discovering the sole adult herein,

  He speaketh with the man excitedly.

  ’Tis like he hath no sense of what fun is,

  Or—in the knowing—would destroy it wholly.

  [Josh waves at Cher across the room, and she waves back.

  TAI

  This jumper thou advisèd me to wear—

  Should it be tied around my waist, like such?

  Alas, I know not what the fashion is.

  CHER

  Around thy waist shall suit thy sleek ensemble,

  And leave the lads desiring more from thee.

  CHRISTIAN

  [returning:] Art ready, Cher? My feet await, prepar’d

  To set thy heels once more to frolicking.

  [They return to the dance floor.

  BALTHASAR

  [singing:] Where didst thou go? Where didst thou go?

  Mine emptiness doth grow.

  Where didst thou go? Where didst thou go?

  I’m lost, and fain would know!

  TAI

  [aside:] Alone, once more, like an abandon’d dog,

  I stand with no one here to dance with me.

  Mine Elton holds another lass’s arms,

  His gaze ne’er settl’d on me in the least—

  I am the last one pick’d, and always was.

  Sweet Cher, who call’d to me when I was new

  And e’er hath prov’d herself a loyal friend,

  Swings on the arm with Christian presently,

  Forsaking me—and who could blame her for’t?

  Before I mov’d here, I was mis’rable:

  Few friends, and none on whom I could depend.

  My life, uprooted unto California,

  Seem’d desolate, with little cause for hope,

  ’Til I met Cher and Dionne at our school

  And started to believe all would be well.

  They have been beacons in a stormy sea,

  Illuminating me with thoughtful care.

  Now, though, as I stand helpless and alone,

  The feelings of rejection rise once more,

  And make me feel uncertain and bereft.

  The men pass by, with glances, smirks, and frowns,

  Ne’er once considering me worthy of

  Attention, or a turn upon the floor.

  CHER

  [aside:] The merry band of minstrels is superb,

  The night near perfect, dancing with my lad—

  Fine Christian, most attractive man herein.

  Yet for a moment, happiness doth pause

  For there, across the room, I spy poor Tai,

  Who hath no partner in this happy dance.

  [Josh approaches Tai.

  JOSH

  Holla, Tai—wouldst thou dance with me awhile?

  We modern folk are far too still, methinks,

  Though nature hath created us to move.

  CHER

  [aside:] O, Josh—a miracle by heaven sent!

  He asketh Tai to dance, such chivalry!

  So sweet his action, I could kiss the man.

  [Josh and Tai begin dancing together.

  [To Christian:] Behold, Josh hath ask’d Tai to dance with him—

  He never dances. Is it not delightful?

  CHRISTIAN

  His usual abstention hath its cause,

  For see how he doth jostle, flop, and lurch?

  CHER

  Nay, he hath come unto the lady’s rescue,

  That she feel not deserted ’midst the fun.

  CHRISTIAN

  Thine eyes observe the charity I miss,

  Yet thou dost teach me rightly to perceive.

  [Cher waves at Josh across the room, and Josh smiles at her.

  JOSH

  [aside:] My vast humiliation while I dance—

  For I am most unskill’d, and know it well—

  Is worth the trouble for a smile from Cher,

  Which lighteth darkness like the blessèd moon.

  Behold, now, how her Christian danceth with

  A lad who slyly sidles next to him.

  Is not that strange? Yet Cher doth notice not.

  Perhaps I make too much of what I see—

  These mountains are but molehills, certainly.

  [All continue dancing. Exeunt some students as the music begins to fade. Cher, Josh, and Tai sit together, exhausted. Christian continues to dance.

  CHRISTIAN

  [aside:] Until the final note of music plays,

  Until the march of drum and fife doth cease,

  Until I’m made to leave, I shall dance on.

  Faeries, come take me out of this dull world,

  For I would ride with you upon the wind,

  Run on the top of the dishevel’d tide,

  And dance upon the mountains like a flame.

  [Christian continues to dance, talking with other lads.

  JOSH

  How fare ye, Cher and Tai? For I can see

  Some marks of red around your eyes, as though

  Your bodies yearn for sleep thus far denied.

  CHER

  Although this night hath been a grand success,

  With drowsiness success to excess turns.

  I am prepar’d and eager to depart.

  TAI

  Exhaustion is the country where I dwell.

  CHER

  Let us hail Christian, that we may set forth.

  [To Christian:] O, Christian, shall we hence? The hour is late.

  CHRISTIAN

  E’en now? These friendly lads I chatted with

  Have shar’d intelligence of th’afterparty,

  Where music, dancing, and delight live on.

  CHER

  My trainer earlier in the morning comes.

  JOSH

  I shall take Cher and Tai home, whilst thou goest

  Upon thy merry way to parties new.

  CHRISTIAN

  I could not ask this of thee.

  CHER

  —Nay, stay thou—

  Thou art so young and full of joie de vivre,

  Thou shouldst not burden’d be by we two sloths.

 
CHRISTIAN

  Ne’er came a sloth in fur as fine as thine.

  Art thou most certain?

  CHER

  —Stay, and seize the day.

  CHRISTIAN

  My thanks. I’ll call upon thee on the morrow.

  [Exeunt Christian and some lads. Exeunt all other students as Cher, Josh, and Tai climb into Josh’s carriage. Tai falls asleep.

  CHER

  ’Twas passing decent that thou danc’d with Tai,

  For she was lonesome and ’twas like thou wert

  A knight who answereth a damsel’s cry.

  JOSH

  The pleasure was all mine—I am no knight,

  A far cry from, but merely hop’d to make

  Tai’s night less damnable through answer’d need.

  CHER

  Hast thou borne witness to a change in her,

  Like night turn’d day?

  JOSH

  —Yea, ’neath thy tutelage,

  A change in her is born, as she explores

  The challenging domain of midriffs bare.

  I riff thereon too much, perhaps, for with

  Thy silence thou dost amply bear my challenge.

  What of it, then? Wouldst thou not rather stay

  And fill the night with thy main knight, e’en Christian?

  Or, as I’d rather call him, Ring-a-Ding?

  CHER

  Indeed, if, for a moment I believ’d

  That Father would not ding me if I spent

  A night with anyone before a ring

  Appeareth on my finger. He shall be

  Awake the whole night worrying o’er me,

  If I do not return.

  JOSH

  —Yea, he’ll not rest

  Until the depositions are complete.

  CHER

  Let us do him some benefit, I pray—

  An action dopious on both our parts—

  And stop for food upon the pathway home,

  That we my father’s hunger may depose.

  He and his many clerks have not, I’ll wager,

  Had aught to eat—they must be famishèd.

  JOSH

  Most dopious indeed—let us proceed

  To part them from their gastronomic need.

  [Exeunt.

  The Horowitz house.

  Enter MEL HOROWITZ and CLERKS.

  MEL

  [aside:] Mine appetite is bursting for a meal,

  For cloudy grow the thoughts when one is tir’d.

  Upsetting is each task in hunger’s face,

  And anger is the swift result thereof.

  How can I focus on these depositions

  Amidst the rumbling of mine abdomen,

  The cries and moans of stomach most unfed?

  There should some word exist that would describe

  The way that hunger quickly doth advance

  To anger. Yet what would be such a term,

  Combining anger unto hunger, hmm?