William Shakespeare's the Jedi Doth Return (9781594747144) Read online

  And friend to Captain Solo, who e’en now

  Is in thy custody. I know that thou

  Art powerful, O Jabba, and that thy

  Great anger t’ward Han Solo equally

  Must pow’rful be. I seek an audience

  With thy esteem’d and mighty personage,

  To bargain for my friend Han Solo’s life.

  With thy vast wisdom we shall, doubtless, find

  A goodly compromise that shall, indeed,

  Be mutually beneficial, and

  Allow both you and I to ’scape a more

  Unpleasant confrontation. As a sign

  And symbol of my honest will, I do

  Present unto thee, as a gift, these droids.

  They are hardworking, and shall serve thee well.

  C-3PO

  Alas, what hath he said?

  R2-D2

  —Beep, whistle, meep!

  C-3PO

  Nay, nay! R2, I say, your message errs!

  Our master never would betray us so!

  CRUMB

  O foolish droids, whose master fools them so!

  BIB

  [ to Jabba:] Na maska bagweni, ees no Jedi.

  JABBA

  Ha ono wangee goghpah, ool.

  C-3PO

  —We’re doom’d!

  He will not bargain with good Master Luke.

  JABBA

  Nuh peecha wangee cogh pah, tong nam nee

  Took chan kee troi. Ne Solo fah keechwa.

  C-3PO

  O, R2, look, ’tis Captain Solo, still

  A’frozen in the carbonite.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, hoo!

  CRUMB

  A little more than dud and less than dead.

  JABBA

  Na pushka nab, de foghla pah nubin!

  Enter EV-9D9 , a droid, as Gamorrean guards lead C-3PO and R2-D2 to him.

  C-3PO

  O what hath come upon my master Luke?

  Did I offend him by some errant word?

  Was he disturb’d by something I have said?

  Or is this but a human’s changing whim?

  Belike I’ll never fully comprehend

  These people and their wayward, shifting ways.

  One moment with my service is he pleas’d,

  The next he sendeth me away in scorn

  To serve the gangster Jabba of the Hutt.

  Grant me thy mercy, Sir, I beg of thee—

  Whatever my offense, O master true,

  I prithee, do forgive C-3PO!

  R2-D2

  [ aside:] What scenes of horror lie herein! I see

  That droids are tortur’d here, fix’d fast upon

  The rack and torn to bits, or burnèd on

  The feet as though they were a piece of meat

  Upon a spit. O terror to mine eyes—

  And yet I know my master hath a plan.

  Indeed, within my head I hold the light

  That shall illumine our profound escape.

  EV-9D9

  New acquisitions, excellent. Thou art

  A droid of protocol: say, is this so?

  C-3PO

  I am C-3PO, of human—

  EV-9D9

  —Aye,

  Or nay shall serve.

  C-3PO

  —O. Aye.

  EV-9D9

  —Of languages,

  How many dost thou speak?

  C-3P

  —Six million forms

  Of speech I may claim knowledge of—

  EV-9D9

  —’Tis well.

  We have not had a court interpreter

  Since our great master anger’d was by our

  Most recent droid of protocol, and had

  Him thoroughly disintegrated.

  C-3PO

  —O!

  Disintegrated? Fate most vile and cruel!

  EV-9D9

  I prithee, guard, this droid of protocol

  May useful be. Take him and fit him with

  A strong restraining bolt, and then return

  Him unto our great master’s chamber.

  G. GUARD 2

  —Mrk.

  C-3PO

  O, R2, do not leave me all alone!

  [Gamorrean Guard 2 leads C-3PO back to Jabba of the Hutt.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak!

  EV-9D9

  —Thou art a feisty little droid,

  But soon shall learn respect when thou dost serve

  Upon my master’s sail barge. Thou shalt see!

  [Exeunt EV-9D9 and R2-D2.

  C-3PO

  [ aside:] Within the court of Jabba now I serve.

  But O, what wretched things I see within,

  For when he loseth temper—which befalls

  Most frequently—thou mayst be certain it

  Doth mean the death of someone who is nigh.

  For lo, unto the rancor’s pit they fall,

  Where such a massive terror lives that I

  Cannot bear watch, though all the courtiers here

  Do laugh and cheer as though it were a sport.

  The rancor cometh forth with growls and barks

  And catches up the poor and helpless soul

  Who, screaming in its terror, doth fall mute

  As rancor sinks large teeth into its flesh.

  The slaughter of the blameless! O, it is

  A vile and filthy service I fulfill.

  Grant me the patience to endure this time!

  [The Max Rebo Band plays a song of tribute to Jabba of the Hutt.

  REBO BAND

  [ sings:] A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A blaster ever by thy side,

  A stately barge in which to ride,

  A fair, young damsel to thee tied,

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  Full many servants lend thee aid,

  More guards than a Naboo brigade,

  And bounty hunters on parade—

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  The drinks all flowing fast and free,

  A sarlacc pit not far from thee,

  A rancor for thine enemy,

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A gangster, aye, a gangster, O!

  ’Tis well to be a gangster.

  A blast is heard. Enter CHEWBACCA and BOUSHH , a bounty hunter.

  BOUSHH

  Eyah-tay, eyah-tay, yo-toe.

  C-3PO

  —Chewbacca!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  JABBA

  Cheesa eejah wahkee Chewbacca—ho!

  FETT

  [ aside:] The Wookiee hath been captur’d—e’en

  he who with my grand prize Solo once did fly.

  ’Tis fortunate he hath to Jabba also been deliver’d.

  I only wish that I had been his captor, and reap’d

  the reward this bounty hunter surely shall receive.

  Even so, this Wookiee doth complete the set of

  smugglers for Jabba’s merriment. Belike he too

  shall frozen in carbonite be, or mayhap be a

  supper for a rancor.

  JABBA

  Kahjee ta, droid.

  C-3PO

  —Aye, here am I, indeed,

  Thy worshipfulness.

  JABBA

  —Yu-bahk ko rahto

  Kama wahl-bahk. Eye yess ka cho. Kawa

  Na Wookiee.

  C-3PO

  —Bounty hunter strong and brave:

  The mighty Jabba of the Hutt doth bid

  Thee welcome, and shall gladly pay to thee

  The goodly sum of five-and-twenty thousand.

  CRUMB

  [ aside:] No bounty hunter would be fool enough

  To take the first pri
ce offer’d, I’ll be sworn.

  BOUSHH

  Yoto. Yoto.

  C-3PO

  —’Tis fifty thousand, and

  No less.

  JABBA

  [ striking C-3PO:] —Ahh, uun yun kuss tah fiti pun.

  C-3PO

  Whatever was it that I said, Sirrah?

  I did perform the function thou hast giv’n:

  Precisely did I translate this one’s words.

  JABBA

  Moonon keejo!

  FETT

  [ aside:] This scamp had best beware, if

  he would be a bounty hunter in the service of

  great Jabba. It seemeth he hath little appreciation

  for the famèd anger of the Hutt.

  C-3PO

  [ to Boushh:] —The mighty Jabba asks

  The reason wherefore fifty thousand is

  The sum demanded of thee.

  BOUSHH

  —Ay yo-toe!

  C-3PO

  The knave doth threaten us—he holdeth in

  His hands a thermal detonator. O!

  [Jabba’s courtiers shrink in fear. Boba Fett takes out his blaster.

  JABBA

  Ho, ho. Kaso ya yee koli tra do

  Kahn nee go. Yu bahn chuna leepa nah.

  CRUMB

  The Hutt doth call him fearless and inventive,

  But never did invention make me fear

  As this one’s thermal detonator doth.

  JABBA

  [ to C-3PO:] Kuo meeta tah te fye. Dah tee teema

  Nye.

  C-3PO

  [ to Boushh:] —Mighty Jabba offers thirty-five,

  And were I in thy place, I would accept

  The deal. ’Tis better, as they say, to make

  The peace than make us all in pieces be.

  And truly thirty-five while living is

  A sum more numerous than zero dead.

  BOUSHH

  Ya-toe cha.

  C-3PO

  —Praise the maker, he agrees!

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  [Chewbacca is led away by Gamorrean guards as music begins to play again.

  LANDO

  [ aside:] —This sad scene I witness with contempt:

  Another bounty hunter earns his sum

  For bringing in a harmless innocent.

  Now all is merriment and patting on

  The back whilst yet another’s added to

  Their clan. A scoundrel’s life ’tis true I’ve known,

  Yet never did I stoop so low as this.

  But still, I smile at what I here survey,

  For I know well this bounty hunter is

  No normal man—no normal man indeed!

  And his apparent prize—my Wookiee friend

  Chewbacca—is not as a pris’ner come.

  Bear thou this burden bravely, Lando, for

  The wait is almost over—soon the plan

  O’er which we took great pains shall come to pass.

  Be still, my scoundrel heart, with patience wait,

  For retribution comes in time, though late.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 3.

  The desert planet Tatooine, at Jabba’s Palace. Night.

  Enter BOUSHH.

  BOUSHH

  The silence of the night doth mark my work

  And like a gentle breeze sweeps o’er the air.

  In stealth I move throughout the palace dark,

  That no one shall bear witness to my acts.

  Now cross the court, with footsteps nimbly plac’d.

  Ne’er did a matter of such weight depend

  Upon a gentle footfall in the night.

  Put out the light, and then relume his light—

  Aye, now I spy my goal: the frozen Han.

  Thy work is finish’d, feet. Now ’tis the hands

  That shall a more profound task undertake.

  Quick to the panel, press the needed code.

  O swiftly fly, good hands, and free this man

  From his most cold and undeservèd cell.

  O true decryptionist, thy codes are quick!

  The scheme hath work’d, the carbonite doth melt.

  Forsooth, ’tis done—within the silent dark

  The greatest light doth sing within my heart!

  [Han Solo melts from the carbonite and falls to the floor.

  [ To Han Solo:] Relax thou for a moment; thou art free

  Of carbonite’s embrace, but thou dost burn