William Shakespeare's the Jedi Doth Return (9781594747144) Read online

  But still thy tongue, the bunker now is near.

  HAN

  [ to Paploo:] Thou hast a back door found, thy hairiness?

  ’Tis well: from furry mouths come good ideas.

  PAPLOO

  [ to Wicket:] Ba’chua ba’chua,

  Megoh ga’chua,

  Megoh gennem,

  Fa’chua, fa’chua.

  Enter several IMPERIAL SCOUTS near the bunker. Paploo walks toward them.

  HAN

  [ to Leia:] There are not many guards nearby; to gain

  The upper hand should not prove difficult.

  LEIA

  And yet it needeth merely one to sound

  A loud alarm that brings the fleet entire.

  HAN

  Forsooth, then quietlike our moves shall be.

  WICKET

  [ to C-3PO:] N’unka unka,

  Paploo flunka,

  Heeza gennem,

  Bunka, bunka.

  C-3PO

  O my! Good Princess Leia, I do fear

  Our small befurr’d companion hath set on

  An errand rash.

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  [All watch as Paploo approaches the scouts.

  LEIA

  —Fie! The little beast

  Doth make his way unto a certain death.

  Belike these guards shall blast him into bits.

  HAN

  And further: our surprise attack is gone.

  We may not have another chance as this.

  [Paploo suddenly boards a speeder bike and flies off into the distance.

  SCOUT 1

  Alack! That beast hath ta’en the speeder bike!

  We shall not let the imp steal from us so!

  SCOUT 2

  Let us fly hence and after him!

  SCOUT 3

  —Away!

  [Imperial Scouts 1, 2, and 3 mount their bikes and chase Paploo.

  HAN

  A clever ruse for one who is no more

  Than a mere lump of matted fur. He hath

  Succeeded in his plan, for now behold:

  Just one is left. [ To C-3PO:] Remain here and await

  Our swift return.

  C-3PO

  —Though I am but a droid,

  My will is yet my own. I shall decide

  What course to take, and have decided it

  Shall better be if R2 and myself

  Remain here.

  HAN

  —Well consider’d, goldenrod.

  Now let us go, my friends, and make our way

  Unto the bunker. Guard, what ho?

  [Han Solo approaches another Imperial scout.

  SCOUT 4

  —Thou knave,

  What treachery is this?

  [Imperial Scout 4 runs after Han Solo but soon is surrounded by rebels.

  HAN

  —Such treachery

  As shall an Empire conquer. Now, avaunt,

  Thou scurvy servant of the Empire’s spite!

  [The rebels subdue Imperial Scout 4.

  LEIA

  Good friends and rebels all, are you prepar’d?

  The moment is upon us, even now:

  We shall the bunker enter sans delay,

  And what we’ll find therein we do not know.

  Belike some danger grave doth wait inside,

  Mayhap far worse than ever we imagine.

  Be ready—eyes alert and open wide!

  [Han Solo, Chewbacca, Princess Leia, and rebels enter the bunker. Several Imperial troops are inside, surprised by the rebels’ entrance.

  HAN

  Pray, mark me well, else all of you shall die:

  Move quickly to the side, and let us in.

  [Imperial troops move away, surrounded by rebels.

  Go, brave Chewbacca, guard these wayward souls.

  LEIA

  Make haste, good Han. The fleet shall be in range

  Anon.

  CHEWBAC.

  —Egh, auugh!

  HAN

  —Give me those charges, quick!

  Enter more IMPERIAL TROOPS, COMMANDERS, and STORMTROOPERS, running into the bunker. C-3PO, still outside the bunker, sees them.

  C-3PO

  O my, they shall be captur’d! Misery!

  If only I could quickly warn them all.

  WICKET

  Netah muah,

  Meego thuah,

  Meego gennem,

  Puah, puah.

  [Exit Wicket in haste.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep!

  C-3PO

  —Where dost thou go? Come back! R2,

  Stay here with me, I pray. My joints and wires

  Are burning with my terror and my fear.

  If thou dost leave, I surely shall melt down

  From all the dread that runs through me.

  R2-D2

  —Meep, squeak!

  [ Aside:] Though small, his brave protection shall I be!

  We cannot save the others, and may not

  E’en save ourselves, but I shall not, at least,

  Desert C-3PO when he’s afear’d.

  COMMAND.

  [ to Han:] Be still, thou rebel scum.

  HAN

  [ aside:] —Alas, how’s this?

  The Empire knew our plan—something’s amiss!

  [Exeunt all, with Imperial troops subduing rebels.

  SCENE 2.

  Inside the second Death Star.

  Enter two GUARDS.

  GUARD 1

  Oi! Comrade, how art thou?

  GUARD 2

  —Quite well, my friend.

  Say, didst thou hear the news?

  GUARD 1

  —What news, pray tell?

  GUARD 2

  It seemeth we have found Skywalker.

  GUARD 1

  —Aye?

  The lad for whom we have for ages search’d?

  The one o’er whom Darth Vader seems obsess’d?

  The mighty boy of whom we’ve all been warn’d?

  GUARD 2

  Indeed, the same—thou knowest whom I mean.

  GUARD 1

  Where was he, then?

  GUARD 2

  —Upon the moon.

  GUARD 1

  —Which moon?

  GUARD 2

  The moon around which we do orbit now.

  E’en Endor.

  GUARD 1

  —Can it be? Our enemy,

  The greatest threat the Empire’s ever known,

  Hath ’scaped our watch and is to Endor flown?

  How can that be, for do we not have guards

  Identifying ev’ry ship that comes?

  Hath he fool’d them to make his landing, then?

  GUARD 2

  E’en so. Lord Vader hath return’d with him.

  GUARD 1

  Darth Vader brought him here?

  GUARD 2

  —Yes. Wherefore art

  Thou so perplex’d?

  GUARD 1

  —The rebel pilot who

  Hath single-handedly destroy’d the first

  Death Star is hither brought—

  GUARD 2

  —As prisoner.

  GUARD 1

  As prisoner. Aye, that is better. But

  How came he then to be on Endor, say?

  And wherefore was he there? Do we yet know?

  GUARD 2

  How he hath landed there is yet beyond

  Our knowing. He hath said he was alone.

  GUARD 1

  And hath he been believ’d?

  GUARD 2

  —Nay, we have not

  Our senses quite forgot. Pray, give our men

  An ounce of credit, lad. Our scouts do search

  For his accomplices e’en now.

  GUARD 1

  —’Tis well.

  GUARD 2

  Forsooth, the Empire soon shall triumph.

  GUARD 1

  —But . . .

  GUARD
2

  Alas, my friend, what troubles thee? Why dost

  Thou speak this “but”? Why “but”? What “but”?

  GUARD 1

  —Hast thou

  Read the descriptions of the Endor moon?

  GUARD 2

  I have, for we were order’d so to do.

  GUARD 1

  Then thou hast heard about the creatures there.

  GUARD 2

  Mean’st thou the native population that

  Was deemèd insignificant?

  GUARD 1

  —Indeed.

  The full report hath said that they are arm’d.

  GUARD 2

  But with such sticks and rocks as would not harm

  A womp rat, and much less an AT-AT. Thou

  Wilt not fear armies made of twigs. ’Tis true?

  GUARD 1

  Perhaps, yet follow on: it seems that there

  Are rebels on the forest moon, who now

  Have hidden, and we know not where. What if

  These rebels were to meet the creatures, band

  Together, crush the bunker that controls

  The shield that watcheth o’er the Death Star, then

  Coordinate a wing’d assault, which would

  Destroy this battle station and—still more—

  Deliver our dread Emperor and Lord

  Darth Vader unto their untimely deaths?

  Could not just such a chain of dire events

  Defeat the Empire strong in one fell swoop?

  GUARD 2

  Thou shouldst not be a guard, my friend, for thou

  Art suited for a life of fantasy.

  Thou shouldst a writer be of stories grand

  Wherein a group of men and simple beasts

  Do overthrow an Empire powerful.

  O, it doth break upon my sight: my friend,

  The ancient storyteller he, who weaves

  His tales to bring delight to all who hear.

  GUARD 1

  Thou mockest me.

  GUARD 2

  —Well notic’d! Mark me now:

  Thy fears all rest upon a tiny word,

  A word so small it should not give thee cause

  To fret and worry so: that word is “if.”

  “If” there were rebels on the forest moon,

  “If” they did meet with creatures and form pacts,

  “If” then they could our bunker strong destroy,

  “If” they had plann’d to strike our Death Star great.

  Thine “if” itself the Empire overthrows,

  But “if” knows little of reality.

  I tell thee true, if I had richer been,

  If I had been a politician’s son,

  If I were rais’d in wealth and privilege,

  If I myself became most powerful,

  Why then, I would be Emperor, not guard!

  But for the “ifs.”

  GUARD 1

  —Thy point is made, and I

  Shall rest my “ifs” and be at ease. Now, if

  Thou shalt come with me, we have both been call’d

  To rearrange the chairs upon the deck.

  GUARD 2

  If thou shalt lead, I’ll follow, worthy friend.

  [Exeunt.

  Enter EMPEROR PALPATINE on balcony, with ROYAL GUARDS.

  EMPEROR

  Our age is but a constant grasp for pow’r,

  A time when trust and honor are no more

  And all is but a furious race till death.

  How doth a person make a life that’s worth

  The living? Is’t by love or ventures? Nay:

  The one who hath the greatest pow’r prevails.

  The politicians grumble, scrape, and grab,

  A’fighting o’er their spheres of influence,

  The people cringe and whimper ’neath the loads

  Plac’d on them by those in authority,

  And all in bleak timidity do cow’r

  When in the presence of their Emperor.

  O what a piece of work are we! I should

  Find joy in our humanity, and yet,

  To me, what is this quintessence of dust?

  A galaxy of vermin searching for

  A crumb of what the best do eat, all rul’d

  By those who have the appetite for pow’r—

  For in a world of darkness only those

  Who serve the dark deserve to live and thrive.

  Let those naïve and wayward souls who seek

  For justice, wisdom, honesty, and right

  Endure such suffering as fits their weak

  And simple souls. Let those who love be made

  To witness how their lov’d ones scream and shriek