William Shakespeare's Star Wars Trilogy Read online

  Be calm, I prithee, for it shall suffice.

  C-3PO

  Excuse me, Princess, but where are we bound?

  [The Millennium Falcon flies deep into one of the asteroids.

  LEIA

  My hope flies unto you, most worthy man,

  My hope for us, and for our safety, too.

  I hope it is the Force that leadeth thee,

  I hope that thou dost know what thou dost do.

  HAN

  Thy hopes do echo mine, my lady, true.

  [Exeunt into an asteroid’s tunnel.

  SCENE 6.

  Aboard the Empire’s Super Star Destroyer.

  Enter ADMIRAL PIETT with DARTH VADER, replacing his mask.

  PIETT

  [aside:] O sight most tragic, this—a robot-man

  Who doth require a mask to stay alive.

  What situation e’er did lead to this?

  How can he stand to live beneath a mask?

  But soft, Piett, and reconsider this:

  Aye, verily, how shall I judge? The mask

  He wears is far more obvious than most.

  With Vader it is plain he wears a mask,

  Though few have seen the scarring underneath.

  But truly, what man doth not wear a mask?

  For all of us are maskèd in some way—

  Some choose sharp cruelty as their outward face,

  Some put themselves behind a king’s façade,

  Some hide behind the mask of bravery,

  Some put on the disguise of arrogance.

  But underneath our masks, are we not one?

  Do not all wish for love, and joy, and peace?

  And whether rebel or Imperial,

  Do not our hearts all beat in time to make

  The pounding rhythm of the galaxy?

  So while Darth Vader’s mask keeps him alive,

  And sits upon his face for all to see,

  ’Tis possible he is more honest than

  A man who wears no mask, but hides his self.

  But come, Piett, now still thy prating tongue—

  His private time is done, his mask back on.

  VADER

  Yes, Admiral?

  PIETT

  —Our ships have found the swift

  Millenn’um Falcon, Lord. However, it

  Hath ventur’d deep into an ast’roid field.

  It seems unsafe to make pursuit therein:

  To follow it is far too great a risk.

  VADER

  Thy fear of asteroids concerns me not.

  I want the ship, not thy most weak dismay.

  PIETT

  I understand, my Lord, and shall obey.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 7.

  The Dagobah system.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER and R2-D2.

  LUKE

  What misadventure I have seen today!

  Our sensors spied no cities or machines

  Within this system desolate, but life

  Forms plenty. As we made our way unto

  The planet’s atmosphere, all went awry:

  My X-wing ship began to shake and groan.

  My scopes had fail’d, and I did blindly spin

  Into a landing doom’d to end with strife.

  ’Tis almost fortunate that I did land

  Within this swampy bog where now the ship

  Is partway sunk, for had I hit the ground

  My ship and droid and even my own self

  Might have been crush’d, and ev’rything destroy’d.

  But now my ship is fixèd in the mire,

  And how it shall come out I cannot tell.

  Was this first trouble all I would endure?

  Nay, nay! It seemeth Fate did not see fit

  To send pain singular, but multiple!

  Fate hath provided pains abundantly,

  For this is not the end of our distress.

  As R2 and I headed for the shore

  He fell into the water, wheels to scope,

  And was assaulted by a mighty beast—

  Aye, swallow’d whole and disappear’d from sight.

  For seeming ages I did search for him,

  To no avail. And then, with frightful scream,

  He was ejected from the swamp as fast

  As proton-fill’d torpedoes from their shaft.

  Above my head he sail’d, well o’er the ground,

  And landed in a heap of dirt and grime.

  ’Twas only for his metal-tasting shell

  This little droid shall live to see tomorrow.

  So much misfortune! After all this pain

  I should feel grateful still to have my life.

  But now we are maroon’d within a place

  Where neither friend nor contact may be found.

  I should have listen’d to the wise R2

  When he said coming here would work us woe.

  Our camp is now set up, our food prepar’d,

  My faithful R2 chargeth up his pow’r,

  The semblance of good order we present—

  But I have neither stomach nor desire

  To sit down to a hale and hearty feast.

  More pressing, too, I must this Yoda find,

  Indeed, if that good man doth e’en exist.

  Look ’round about, R2: is this place not

  Unlikely for a Jedi master’s home?

  ’Tis strange, ’tis passing strange, ’tis pitiful.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak?

  Enter YODA, hidden behind.

  LUKE

  —I know not what it is, dear friend.

  ’Tis like some thing appearing from a dream,

  Some midnight reverie I cannot shake.

  For neither does this circumstance seem real,

  Nor do I slumber here—aye, that I know.

  It seems the place is but a walking shadow—

  Not dream, not wake, but something in between.

  The strangeness of the scene creeps in my bones,

  Yet also do I feel familiar pangs.

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, meep?

  LUKE

  —I know not. I do feel—

  [Yoda reveals himself.

  YODA

  What dost thou feel, hmm?

  Prithee, I would truly know

  What is it thou feel’st?

  [Luke points his blaster at Yoda.

  LUKE

  That odd, familiar sense that we are watch’d!

  R2-D2

  Beep, beep, meep, whistle, beep, squeak, whistle, nee!

  YODA

  Away with weapons!

  I mean no harm, but wonder

  Why thou hast come here.

  LUKE

  Thou sneaking imp! I look for someone here.

  YODA

  Looking, are you, hmm?

  Found someone you have, it seems!

  Is that not correct?

  LUKE

  ’Tis true, I may suppose—I’ve someone found,

  Though such a one as this did not expect.

  YODA

  Help you I can, aye.

  [Aside:] I, indeed, more help shall be

  Than he imagines.

  LUKE

  Nay, I think not. My search is for a great

  And mighty warrior, a man of strength!

  YODA

  O, great warrior!

  A great warrior you seek?

  Wars not make one great.

  But soft, no more of

  Talking, for my appetite

  Dinner demandeth.

  Thus shall I explore

  The food thou hast here prepar’d.

  Mmm, and I shall taste.

  LUKE

  Nay, nay, unhand my supper, little one!

  YODA

  How dost grow so big

  When the food of thy diet

  Is of this strange kind?

  LUKE

  Attend, my friend, thou must leave this alone.

/>   My food I shall have need of, as we strive

  To free our ship. I did not try to land

  Inside that puddle drear, and if we could

  Our ship remove, we would. But we cannot—

  At least, I know not how it shall be done.

  [Yoda rummages through Luke’s supplies, discarding them to the ground.

  YODA

  Unfortunate ship…

  Thou canst not get it out, hmm?

  O, what merry light!

  [Yoda removes a light from Luke’s supplies.

  LUKE

  A mess thou now hast made! Give me that light!

  YODA

  ’Tis mine, it is mine!

  I shall the pretty thing have

  Or I help you not.

  LUKE

  I need not thine assistance, nay! I need

  My lamp, for it shall guide me out of this

  Most slimy and disgusting hole of mud!

  YODA

  What slimy, what mud?

  Thou speak’st indeed of my home.

  [R2-D2 reaches out and grabs the lamp.

  Alas, naughty droid!

  [R2-D2 and Yoda fight for the lamp.

  LUKE

  O R2, let the creature have it now.

  [R2-D2 releases the lamp.

  Now move along, good fellow. We have much

  To do. Thou art small in both size and help.

  YODA

  Nay, nay, I shall stay.

  For I shall stay and help thee

  Find thy long lost friend.

  LUKE

  Thou dost not understand, thou useless scamp.

  I search not for a friend in this damp place,

  But for a Jedi master wise in skill!

  YODA

  O Jedi master!

  Yoda that you seek it is.

  ’Tis truly Yoda!

  LUKE

  [aside:] A strange turn of events! This tiny sprite

  May yet prove useful if he knows the man.

  [To Yoda:] Attend: thou know’st of Yoda, little one?

  YODA

  I’ll take thee to him.

  Aye, but first, let us eat food.

  Come, I good food have!

  LUKE

  I follow. R2, stay and watch the camp—

  Mayhap some hope still lives within this damp.

  [Exeunt, Luke following Yoda.

  SCENE 1.

  Aboard the Millennium Falcon, inside the asteroid.

  Enter HAN SOLO, PRINCESS LEIA, CHEWBACCA, and C-3PO.

  HAN

  Now shall I shut down ev’rything except

  The ship’s emergency pow’r systems.

  C-3PO

  —Sir,

  I am almost afraid to ask, but doth

  This mean that I shall be shut down as well?

  HAN

  Nay, nay, good droid, for thou shalt speak unto

  The Falcon to determine wherefore doth

  The hyperdrive not operate aright.

  For once I find thee useful, goldenrod.

  [The ship shakes and all are rocked from side to side.

  C-3PO

  Sir, it is possible this ast’roid may

  Not be entirely stable.

  HAN

  —Dost thou think?

  O droid of wisdom, skill, and excellence—

  Howe’er would I survive if I did not

  Have thee here to reveal such mysteries?

  From usefulness to obvious within

  A single stroke. I pray, Chewbacca, take

  This scholar made of wires and metal to

  The back and plug him in the hyperdrive!

  C-3PO

  Sometimes I do not comprehend the strange

  And varied ways of human beings. True

  It is that I did only try to help!

  [Exeunt Chewbacca and C-3PO. The ship shakes again and Leia falls into Han’s arms.

  LEIA

  [aside:] O happy accident! O fall most fair!

  Now in his arms, where I have long’d to be,

  I know not whether ’tis the ship or if

  It is my heart that I feel quaking. Yet,

  Alas, this moment not befits our love.

  The situation is too strain’d. I wish,

  With all my being, to be in this place—

  But not like this. [To Han:] Pray, let me go.

  HAN

  —Tut, tut!

  LEIA

  I prithee, let me go.

  HAN

  [aside:] —O small request

  That tears apart my soul! [To Leia:] Indeed, indeed,

  Be not with such excitement overcome.

  LEIA

  My captain, being held by you is far

  Too plain a thing to e’er excite my mood.

  HAN

  I crave your kindly pardon, sweetheart fierce,

  But we have little time for something else—

  I’ll leave thee here alone and then, mayhap,

  The time apart shall heighten thy desire.

  [Exit Han Solo.

  LEIA

  O man of pride and will most obstinate!

  However can I love thee, being as

  You are? But being other than you are,

  I would not love thee. How this pirate hath

  Laid claim upon the bounty of my soul!

  O, wherefore did I speak so testily?

  Why is it that whenever he is near

  My wit is turn’d to unto a laser beam

  With Han plac’d firmly in its sights? I tear

  His heart in twain with words too cruel and harsh,

  Then wonder why he is so full of pride.

  ’Tis now quite clear that he with arrogance

  Doth speak so that he may his heart protect.

  Forsooth, was e’er a woman placèd in

  So delicate a situation yet?

  [Exit Princess Leia.

  Enter C-3PO.

  C-3PO

  O, where is that knave R2 now? For when

  I need him most, then is he far away.

  Perhaps on some adventure, which will serve

  To puff him up most mightily, and leave

  Him ever bragging o’er his exploits. Pish!

  The scrawny, errant scamp perplexes me,

  For he is both my nuisance and delight—

  The thorn deep in my side and, stranger still,

  The very object of my happiness.

  Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA.

  Now, Captain Solo, pray, a word with thee.

  HAN

  [aside:] A word from thee belike means hundreds more.

  C-3PO

  I know not where your ship did learn to speak—

  It hath a most peculiar dialect.

  It is as though ’twere programm’d by a thief,

  And spends its days with smugglers, thugs, and crooks.

  But now, no more of that; my point is made.

  It doth report the power coupling on

  The axis negative is polariz’d,

  And must replacèd be to operate.

  HAN

  ’Tis plain it must replacèd be. Presume

  Thou not to tell a pilot—one so grand

  As me, at least—the bus’ness of his ship.

  [Exit C-3PO.

  [To Chewbacca:] Good Chewie?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Egh?

  HAN

  —It seems we must replace

  The power coupling negative, yes?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Grrm.

  [Exit Chewbacca.

  Enter PRINCESS LEIA, aside, working.

  HAN

  [aside:] We are alone. Yet ev’ry time I have

  Approach’d her recently I’ve been rebuff’d.

  This should not be a nut I cannot crack—

  I am not ignorant in women’s ways.

  Although, by troth, most often when I speak

  Of “she” or “her,” I indicate my ship.
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br />   And yet, I am a man of many strengths:

  I pilot ships with talent, skill, and grace,

  In battles or in races hard to best,

  My swift maneuvers legendary are

  And through the galaxy my ship is known.

  But with this princess, all my skill is naught.

  My tongue is tied, and I resort to barbs

  And witticisms sloppily convey’d.

  How shall I show this princess my true heart?

  How set aside my ego and be kind?

  Here, in this moment, I shall undertake

  To set my pathway not toward my pride,

  But through the smoother course that runs to love.

  [He approaches to help her and is shoved away.

  [To Leia:] Pray patience, Worship, I but try to help!

  LEIA

  Couldst thou forswear thy pompous attitude

  And promise thou shalt ne’er call me that name?

  HAN

  Aye, Leia.

  LEIA

  [aside:] —Prithee, give me patience now!

  To make him thine, respond thou not with fire.

  [To Han:] You do not make it simple.

  HAN

  —Yes, ’tis true.

  But ’tis not I alone who is to blame,

  For thou couldst softer and more gentle be.

  O Princess, may we end these pointless games?

  May we two souls of flame extinguish’d be

  Just long enough to drink of love’s rewards?

  I ask thee, truly, dost thou sometimes think

  That certain virtues may be found in me?

  Canst thou imagine ever looking deep

  Into my soul to see the man within?

  [Leia stops working and rubs her sore hands.

  LEIA

  Occasionally, mayhap, when you are

  Not acting in the manner of a scoundrel.

  [Han Solo takes Leia’s hands in his.

  HAN

  A scoundrel? “Scoundrel” is the word you choose?