William Shakespeare's the Jedi Doth Return (9781594747144) Read online

From this harsh hibernation malady.

  HAN

  I cannot see.

  BOUSHH

  —Thine eyesight shall return.

  HAN

  But where am I?

  BOUSHH

  —In Jabba’s Palace you

  Have been detain’d.

  HAN

  —Who art thou, voice severe?

  [Boushh removes his mask to reveal Princess Leia.

  LEIA

  The one whose heart and soul do love thee true.

  HAN

  O, Leia!

  [They kiss.

  LEIA

  —Come, and let’s away from here.

  Enter JABBA OF THE HUTT, BIB FORTUNA, BOBA FETT,

  THE MAX REBO BAND, SALACIOUS CRUMB, LANDO OF CALRISSIAN

  in disguise, and other members of Jabba’s court.

  JABBA

  Ho, ho, ho.

  HAN

  —O, that laugh, it works me woe.

  ’Tis too familiar in my memory,

  And like a chime from Hell’s forsaken bells

  Doth ring most evilly within mine ears.

  JABBA

  Oofila mooga bos.

  HAN

  —Pray, Jabba, see:

  I was upon my way to pay thee back,

  And in returning happen’d on a course

  That ran the other way. ’Tis not my fault.

  JABBA

  Achi pahbuk moonitnuh, Solo, bah.

  Akingsah rebah bachmanah bakmah

  Jaja weetnowah bantha poodoo, ho!

  CRUMB

  He shall be bantha fodder, O, ’tis true—

  A Solo may make progress through the guts

  Of banthas! Aye, my master’s passing wise.

  HAN

  I’ll pay thee triple, Jabba, thou canst not

  Deny this fortune—be thou not a fool!

  [Han Solo is taken away by guards.

  JABBA

  Nakko, kosleeya ni.

  [Guards take Princess Leia to Jabba.

  LEIA

  —Now shall I be

  His plaything? [ To Jabba:] We have friends most powerful.

  Thou shalt, with all thy heart, regret this act.

  JABBA

  Bana madota, heah.

  C-3PO

  —Why were my eyes

  E’er made to see, when such as this must be

  Within my sight? I cannot bear to watch.

  [Exeunt Jabba’s court.

  Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA on balcony, as their cell.

  HAN

  What fate is this? What curs’d, unearnèd path?

  Within a minute rescu’d by my love,

  Then taken from her unto this grim place.

  How long was I in carbonite encas’d?

  Am I an old man now, with graying hair?

  What jubilant occasions have I miss’d?

  What friends have died, or have been lost fore’er?

  Hath our Rebellion disappointed been,

  Or is it now fulfill’d with all success?

  Because I do not know how long I’ve slept,

  Or what transpir’d while I was frozen thus,

  It seems my mind is sluggish to defrost.

  CHEWBAC.

  Grrm.

  HAN

  —Yet another sound familiar, but

  This one doth bring delight into my soul.

  Chewbacca? Prithee, tell me, Chewie, is

  It thou who art here with me?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh.

  HAN

  —Sweet joy!

  What bounty of affection do I feel

  For thee, dear Wookiee. I cannot yet see,

  But knowing thou art here doth warm my heart.

  I prithee, give me news of all that is.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh, auugh!

  HAN

  —What sayst thou? Luke—a Jedi Knight?

  What strange tomfoolery! Luke is but young,

  Not made for rescues.

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  HAN

  —Thou dost report

  I have been gone a time but fleeting, so

  Have all acquir’d delusions of some grandeur?

  And what of Han? Have I been left behind?

  O thought most base, O destiny unkind.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4.

  The desert planet Tatooine, at Jabba’s Palace.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER.

  LUKE

  The time is now, the place is here, the man

  Myself, the matter: rescue of my friends.

  Be focus’d, mind; be settl’d, heart and soul.

  I enter unto Jabba’s palace for

  One purpose and that purpose by itself:

  My friends to find and bring deliverance.

  Now to it, Luke, and earn the Jedi name,

  Not by thy might, but by thy calm and wit.

  Enter BIB FORTUNA

  BIB

  Yo mot tu cheep, do you pan Skywalker.

  Nuh Jabba mo bah toe baht too.

  LUKE

  —Nay, Sir.

  I tell thee: I shall speak with Jabba now.

  BIB

  Nuh Jabba no two zand dehank obee.

  [Luke uses a Jedi mind trick on Bib Fortuna.

  LUKE

  Thou shalt take me to Jabba presently.

  BIB

  Naja takka to Jabba prekkenlee.

  LUKE

  Thou servest thy proud master well, and shall,

  In time, receive from him a great reward.

  BIB

  Eye sota y’locha. Ba chu noya trot.

  Enter JABBA OF THE HUTT, PRINCESS LEIA, C-3PO, BOBA FETT,

  THE MAX REBO BAND, SALACIOUS CRUMB, LANDO OF CALRISSIAN

  in disguise, and other members of Jabba’s court.

  LUKE

  [ aside:] Say what is this? My Leia sparsely clad

  All in a metal-fashion’d suit? How strange!

  I did expect one of our company

  To be enclos’d in steel, but not like this.

  C-3PO

  At last, ’tis Master Luke to rescue us!

  BIB

  [ to Jabba:] Nuh masta, gabba no pace Skywalker.

  JABBA

  Nah mass fa wong lee fah toon kay.

  LUKE

  —Thou must,

  Great Jabba, grant me leave to speak with thee.

  BIB

  Nuh Jedi modst be inco ee, baanah.

  CRUMB

  Old Bib but echoes what the man doth say!

  JABBA

  Ahh, ko ja vaya sko. Ees turo na

  Om Jedi mine chik.

  [Jabba strikes Bib Fortuna, who falls.

  LUKE

  —Let me be plain:

  Thou shalt with all expedience produce

  Both Captain Solo and the Wookiee, and

  Shall grant our safe departure from this place.

  ’Tis this, and nothing more, I shall accept.

  JABBA

  Ya ku kacha ka puna ni sa. Ee?

  LUKE

  My Jedi powers may not work on thee,

  But still I shall take Captain Solo and

  His friends. Thou canst yet choose to profit from

  This plan, or be destroy’d. It is thy choice,

  But thou art warn’d: to underestimate

  My pow’r would bring about thy end at once.

  C-3PO

  But Master Luke, thou standest on—

  JABBA

  —Ban gon

  Wah she co, cah O Jedi. Cho kanya

  Wee shaja keecho, ho!

  [Luke uses the Force to take a blaster from a guard.

  Ah bahloosku!

  [Jabba presses a button that drops Luke and

  Gamorrean Guard 2 into the rancor pit.

  CRUMB

  Now shall we see the rancor rancorous!

  Enter RANCOR into the pit with Luke and the Gamorrean guard.
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br />   LANDO

  [ aside:] Alas, now Luke is thrown into the pit—

  His skill must see him through. My part shall be

  To give protection to the princess now.

  C-3PO

  For pity—now the monster hideous

  Hath come forth from his hiding place to sup.

  RANCOR

  [ sings:] They shriek at my mystique,

  My teeth they’ll die beneath—

  A feast made for a beast,

  A treat that I may eat!

  LUKE

  What terrifying creature-thing is this?

  Ne’er have I such a ghastly being seen.

  But still these thoughts, for succor have they none:

  Be calm now, Luke, or else—sans doubt—you die.

  G. GUARD 2

  Squeal!

  LEIA

  —That poor guard shall be the first to fall,

  For he doth panic and is cornerèd.

  The rancor slowly makes his way t’ward him

  And sees his dinner spread before his eyes.

  C-3PO

  O wretched beast! He tears the guard apart

  With sound of breaking bones and crumpl’d flesh.

  One need not know six million language forms

  To understand the screams and sudden hush.

  CRUMB

  It shall be time to hire another guard!

  RANCOR

  [ sings:] The fat one now is flat,

  He growls within me bow’ls,

  And yet I’ll not forget

  To source my second course.

  LUKE

  He turns in my direction, counting on

  His next delicious morsel to be ta’en

  E’en from my body. Aye, he cometh quick!

  This stick shall my protection be—we’ll see

  If he hath appetite for wooded grains.

  LANDO

  [ aside:] Luke now is in its grasp, but cunningly

  Hath bought a little time, and put a log

  Inside the creature’s mouth. Fight on, good Luke!

  LEIA

  Well done, dear friend. Anon, make haste and flee!

  RANCOR

  [ sings:] The one doth quickly run,

  I’ll catch him—down the hatch him!

  The stick’s a nasty trick—

  His head shall be my bread.

  LUKE

  Now swiftly through the monster’s legs I fly,

  For yonder, past the creature, lies a door!

  On reaching it, I shall make my escape.

  [Luke attempts to open the door.

  Alas, but what is this? More bars behind

  The door!

  C-3PO

  —O Master, find another course!

  LUKE

  ’Tis just the beast and I. But look, how he

  Doth come toward me through the very gate

  Whence first he came. If I could close the gate

  On him, he shall be slain. Aye, here’s a rock,

  And there’s the panel for the door’s control.

  ’Tis now or ne’er. I call upon the Force

  To guide this rock unto the very spot.

  LEIA

  His plan hath been reveal’d—O clever Luke!

  The rock he throweth straight and hits the mark—

  The gate doth fall, the rancor is destroy’d!

  O brave escape, O clever, daring Luke!

  JABBA

  Nuh toota ah! Gungsh Solo nuh Wookiee!

  Takootay noota bangass nuh baskah.

  CRUMB

  My master’s plaything cunningly dispos’d—

  If Jabba shall not play, he’ll make them pay.

  Enter the RANCOR KEEPER, as Luke is taken back to Jabba’s court.

  R. KEEPER

  O that this too, too sullied flesh would melt

  Into oblivion, if I without

  My pet belov’d must live. O darkest world!

  O misery beyond compare to me.

  Already my beast’s life doth play its part

  Within the tend’rest mem’ries of my brain.

  How well I do remember when the beast

  Was but a rancor pup. It was the runt—

  Was almost eaten by its mother cruel—

  Indeed, it had but little chance for life.

  Yet it was purchas’d as a novelty

  By Jawas who e’er seek abnormal things.

  I bought it from this band of Jawas, who

  Related to me all it had been through

  And chargèd me a paltry sum for such

  A worthy animal. Then did I raise

  It from its lowly start unto the grand

  And tow’ring hulk that now before me lies.

  How fondly I recall the playful nips