William Shakespeare's The Phantom Menace Read online

  One thing remains, however, worthy friends:

  There ship hath not not sufficient power to

  Deliver us to Coruscant. It is

  The hyperdrive, it leaketh out, like blood

  From some deep wound within its metal core.

  QUI-GON

  We must make landing to repair, refuel.

  No ship is shipshape sans a solid structure.

  OBI-WAN

  [consulting star charts:] Look, Master, here is found a planet near.

  I have not heard its name: ’tis Tatooine.

  ’Tis small and poor, and far from ev’rything;

  The Federation hath no presence there.

  PANAKA

  What confidence have you in this remark?

  QUI-GON

  The planet is controllèd by the Hutts.

  PANAKA

  The Hutts, indeed. Such lowly gangsters of

  Base reputation, fill’d with avarice:

  Their minds on money, money on their minds.

  Such lowly, wormlike villainy as theirs

  No royalty should e’er bear witness to,

  Or forcèd be to find the strength t’endure.

  O nay, ye Jedis, find another course:

  Pray, let us not take her to Tatooine!

  QUI-GON

  E’en if they did discover her, ’twould be

  No diff’rent than if our lame ship were bound

  For any place the Federation holds.

  Except, my friend: the Hutts expect her not,

  Nor are they searching for the noble queen.

  We do, then, have a strong advantage here—

  Thus let us land, with hopefulness sincere.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 1.

  Aboard the Trade Federation battleship.

  Enter NUTE GUNRAY, RUNE HAAKO, and, in beam, DARTH SIDIOUS.

  SIDIOUS

  My patience runneth out, so tell me true:

  Hath Amidala sign’d the treaty yet?

  NUTE

  My lord, with trepidation I report:

  The queen hath disappear’d. There was one ship

  From small Naboo escap’d our stout blockade.

  SIDIOUS

  That treaty shall be sign’d! I will it so.

  NUTE

  But ’tis impossible to find the ship.

  It lies beyond our range of scope or measure.

  Enter DARTH MAUL in beam with DARTH SIDIOUS.

  SIDIOUS

  For thy weak instruments, perhaps, but not,

  I tell thee truly, Viceroy, for a Sith.

  Behold my Sith apprentice: Darth Maul he.

  Your lost ship shall be swiftly found by him.

  [Exeunt Darth Sidious and Darth Maul from beam.

  NUTE

  Oft double is a thing that one would wish:

  A double blessing is a boon, indeed,

  A double meaning renders one word two,

  A double-edgèd sword may cut both ways,

  A double honor is a monarch’s gift.

  But what is this when evil doubl’d is?

  ’Tis then that one hath trouble doubl’d, too.

  RUNE

  This deal is one that we should have declin’d,

  For now we two are in a double bind.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2.

  Aboard the Naboo cruiser.

  Enter QUI-GON JINN, OBI-WAN KENOBI, SABÉ dressed as Queen Amidala, CAPTAIN PANAKA, PADMÉ, and R2-D2.

  PANAKA

  The hero of our quick escape is here:

  This little droid, so well and deftly made.

  Sans doubt it sav’d the ship and our own lives.

  SABÉ

  The droid shall have my royal commendation.

  What is the droidly number it doth bear?

  PANAKA

  ’Tis R2-D2, Highness.

  SABÉ

  —All our thanks

  And gratitude we bear to thee, good droid:

  Thou brave and gallant R2-D2.

  R2-D2

  —Beep!

  SABÉ

  Pray, Padmé, clean this droid with all thy skill.

  It is deserving of what kindness we

  May proffer to it.

  R2-D2

  —Meep, beep, whistle, squeak!

  [Padmé and R2-D2 move aside and she begins cleaning the droid.

  SABÉ

  Continue with thy briefing, Captain, please.

  PANAKA

  I call on Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn to speak.

  QUI-GON

  Your Highness, with permission we shall fly

  Unto a planet small call’d Tatooine.

  It lieth in a system far beyond

  The Federation’s harsh and grasping reach.

  PANAKA

  The Jedi’s will and mine do not agree.

  QUI-GON

  I prithee, trust my judgment, Highness. Let

  My wisdom make its proof by worthy deeds.

  [Exeunt Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, Sabé, and Captain Panaka.

  Enter JAR JAR BINKS.

  JAR JAR

  Hello! Say whosa are-a yousa?

  PADMÉ

  I’m Padmé call’d, handmaiden to the queen.

  JAR JAR

  And meesa Jar Jar Binks, dass meesa.

  PADMÉ

  Thou art a Gungan, art thou not? ’Tis true?

  JAR JAR

  [aside:] O, she is swift of mind. “A Gungan,” ha!

  Her thoughts already label me as brute.

  PADMÉ

  How didst thou come to be on board with us?

  JAR JAR

  [aside:] And wherefore doth she ask? A ship, belike,

  Is no place for a Gungan to be found.

  She would assume we lurk in swamp and mire,

  Not in her precious folly-laden ship.

  But soft you, Jar Jar, give the girl your best.

  [To Padmé:] Ahh, me no know. Me daysa startin’

  So okeeday with brisky mornin’

  A’munchen. Den de boomy boomy,

  And meesa scardee, grabbin’ Jedi,

  Then powsa, meesa wit you heera.

  Now meesa gettin’ very scardee.

  PADMÉ

  Indeed, this is a day for fear and doubt—

  It seems your cause and mine are well align’d.

  [Exeunt Jar Jar and Padmé.

  Enter QUI-GON JINN, OBI-WAN KENOBI, CAPTAIN PANAKA, and RIC OLIÉ in cockpit.

  RIC

  ’Tis there, below! The planet Tatooine.

  OBI-WAN

  Our scope doth show a settlement nearby.

  QUI-GON

  Land thou the ship beyond its boundary.

  I would not seek more notice than we need.

  [Exeunt Captain Panaka and Ric Olié.

  OBI-WAN

  The generator of the hyperdrive

  Is done and finish’d, Master. We shall need

  To make repair ere we depart from here.

  QUI-GON

  This is a complication to our plans.

  And there is more: I pray, be on thy guard:

  I sense a great disturbance in the Force.

  OBI-WAN

  I feel it also, Master. ’Tis as if

  Some evil is arising in our midst.

  QUI-GON

  Be certain that they no transmissions make.

  I shall go forth to find a hyperdrive

  That shall suffice to make the ship’s repair.

  Stay thou behind, her Highness to defend.

  [Exit Qui-Gon.

  OBI-WAN

  Now wherefore am I left to watch the ship

  When I too am a Jedi, just as he?

  Nay, still my tongue—’tis not for me to guess

  At my wise master’s thoughts, or criticize.

  My master Qui-Gon is a pow’rful man

  And hath been more than teacher unto me.

  Full fortunate am I—and well I know’t—

  To be the man�
�s apprentice. Many would

  Consider such a post and master more

  Than any Jedi should expect. Indeed,

  To be with Qui-Gon is to be well serv’d

  By the uncertain, fickle hand of Fate.

  I shall be dutiful till he come back,

  And keep the queen protected from attack.

  [Exit.

  SCENE 3.

  On the planet Tatooine.

  Enter QUI-GON JINN, JAR JAR BINKS, and R2-D2.

  QUI-GON

  Come, Jar Jar, let us find the settlement.

  JAR JAR

  Dis sun is murther for me skinnee.

  Enter CAPTAIN PANAKA and PADMÉ.

  PANAKA

  Kind sirs, a word! The queen doth wish for you

  To take her handmaiden along with you.

  QUI-GON

  No more commands shall we obey today;

  Her Highness hath already had her fill.

  The spaceport we make expedition t’ward

  Is not some royal court: it shall be rife

  With fearsome, base, and vicious characters.

  It is no place to bring a handmaiden.

  PANAKA

  The queen desires it; curious is she

  About this planet and what lies hereon.

  QUI-GON

  This is a course with which I disagree:

  A queen’s desire’s not rationale enough.

  [To Padmé:] Remain close at my side. I’ll see thee safe.

  [Exit Captain Panaka as Qui-Gon, Padmé, Jar Jar, and R2-D2 walk toward the spaceport.

  PADMÉ

  What know you of this land, this Tatooine?

  Who are its people, what is their employ?

  QUI-GON

  ’Tis modest moisture farmers, in the main.

  Some tribes indigenous, and scavengers.

  The spaceports such as this are haven to

  Those who aren’t lost, and yet would not be found.

  PADMÉ

  Indeed, your words describe our company.

  JAR JAR

  O dissen veree veree baddee.

  QUI-GON

  Let us seek out a smaller dealer here—

  More likely shall we then be unobserv’d.

  Enter WATTO.

  WATTO

  Oo ditta noya? Chuba di naya?

  QUI-GON

  Strange flying imp, I do require parts for

  A J-type three-two-seven Nubian.

  WATTO

  Aye, Nubian, our strong specifically.

  We have full many of those parts herein.

  [To Anakin, within:] Peedunkel! Naba dee unko!

  QUI-GON

  —My droid

  Doth carry all the details technical.

  Enter ANAKIN SKYWALKER.

  WATTO

  [to Anakin:] Coona tee-tocky malia, peedunk’?

  ANAKIN

  Mel tassa cholpassa. [Aside:] My master asks

  What kept me, yet did I not come anon?

  WATTO

  Chut! Ganda doe wallya. Me dwana n’bat’.

  [To Qui-Gon:] The boy shall watch the store, whilst we discourse

  Your needs—belike the part outside awaits.

  I prithee, thither come with me, my friend.

  QUI-GON

  [to Jar Jar:] Thou fool: touch nothing, lest thou mischief make.

  [Qui-Gon and Watto walk aside.

  ANAKIN

  [aside:] Though I am young, and burden’d by the shine

  Of too much sunlight here on Tatooine,

  Still I can tell the presence of a light

  Far brighter than e’er I dream’d possible.

  O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright!

  [To Padmé:] Excuse me this intrusion, madam, but:

  Are you by some celestial body sent?

  Did you make home beyond the galaxy,

  Whence you did come to bless my little life?

  PADMÉ

  What didst thou say?

  ANAKIN

  —Are you celesti’lly born?

  Those pilots who do wander deep in space

  Do tell of beings pure and undefil’d:

  Such beauty’s in their aspect and their song

  That all who hear their music ’gin to weep

  And long to be forever in the sway

  Of their most splendid, perfect melody.

  Methinks they live upon the moon Iego,

  And there they play their notes for all who pass.

  PADMÉ

  Thou art a droll, audacious little boy.

  How comes this knowledge from such youthful lips?

  ANAKIN

  I do but listen: train my ear toward

  The traders and the pilots who traverse

  This lonely planet. Truly, I do call

  Myself a pilot, too, and shall one day

  Fly far beyond this planet’s stifling reach.

  PADMÉ

  Thou art a pilot?

  ANAKIN

  —Troth, for all the days

  I have upon this barren planet dwell’d.

  PADMÉ

  What is the number of those days thereon?

  ANAKIN

  O, since I was a lad of but three years.

  My mother and myself were peddl’d to

  Gardulla of the Hutt, who did but lose

  Her new investment gambling o’er the pods.

  PADMÉ

  Thou art a slave?

  ANAKIN

  —O appellation dire!

  Pray, when you think of me think not of slave.

  Think not that I am baseborn, made to work,

  Think not of one who lives by harsh commands,

  Think not of one whose destiny’s controll’d,

  Think rather of my worthy qualities,

  Think of my name, good lady: Anakin.

  PADMÉ

  And so I shall, hereafter. Pardon me,

  For I do not full understanding have

  Of this strange place, which is still new to me.

  [Jar Jar touches a small droid, which begins to walk around and break things. Jar Jar seizes the droid.

  ANAKIN

  O silly beast, strike it upon the nose!

  [Jar Jar touches the small droid’s nose, and it collapses.

  WATTO

  [aside with Qui-Gon:] The generator for the hyperdrive

  For your T-14 … ahh, methinks ’tis close!

  Fate smiles on you today: I am, nearby,

  The sole possessive of the needed part.

  You would do well to purchase some new ship,

  For mayhap ’twould be cheaper so to do.

  And since we do of money start to speak,

  How shall you pay for this extensive part?

  QUI-GON

  I have some twenty thousand in my store—

  Dactaries, the Republic’s tender true.

  WATTO

  Republic credits? You are misaligned:

  On Tatooine your credits are no use.

  QUI-GON

  [attempting a Jedi mind trick:] I’ve nothing else, but credits shall suffice.

  WATTO

  Nay, they shall not.

  QUI-GON

  —Aye, credits shall suffice.

  WATTO

  Do you not compromise? Do you believe

  Yourself to be a Jedi, who, with but

  A wave of your sly hand, may change my mind?

  I am Toydarian, and proudly so;

  Your mind decapitations touch not me,

  ’Tis only money moves my cunning mind.

  No currency is but no parts, no parts

  Is but no deal, no deal is noisome; thus,

  I shall depart unsatisfi’d from thee.

  And more, no other merchant can provide

  The hyperdrive for your fail’d T-14.

  Of that, good man, I give you conflagration.

  [Qui-Gon turns to leave, walking back toward Jar Jar, Padmé, and Anakin.

 
ANAKIN

  [to Padmé:] These droids enjoy more life than they are due,

  Which is—to speak my strength—due to my skill.

  QUI-GON

  We must depart. If’t please you, follow on.

  ANAKIN

  [aside:] So quickly met and then so quickly lost?

  PADMÉ

  ’Twas well that I did meet thee, Anakin.

  ANAKIN

  The joy was mine, good lady, fare you well.

  [Aside:] O, we must meet again, else my heart’s lost!

  [Exeunt Watto and Anakin.

  QUI-GON

  [into communicator:] Good Obi-Wan, I bid thee, hear my words:

  Doth our small ship have aught of value in’t?

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI on balcony, in ship.

  OBI-WAN

  We have some few containers with supplies.

  The queen’s exquisite wardrobe, mayhap, yet

  ’Tis not so much as would a barter serve,

  Not if you do require a handsome sum.

  QUI-GON

  ’Tis well enough. A different result

  May from another quarter come. Adieu.

  [Exit Obi-Wan.

  JAR JAR

  Nowotha. Beings here cawayzee.

  Now weesa will be robb’d and crunchee.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, beep, squeak! [Aside:] I’ll warrant

  Jar Jar hath

  More in his Gungan head than it doth seem.

  QUI-GON

  It is unlikely—sure, what would they rob?

  We have no assets: trouble’s all we own.

  JAR JAR

  [aside:] I shall make some distraction for us here,