William Shakespeare's The Phantom Menace Read online

  Perchance from chaos, order may arise.

  [Walking past a café, Jar Jar strikes a piece of meat with his tongue as Qui-Gon, Padmé, and R2-D2 continue on.

  Enter VENDOR and, aside, SEBULBA.

  VENDOR

  Eh, eh, na wanna wunga? Tenga wup’!

  [Jar Jar releases the meat, which hits Sebulba. Sebulba moves to Jar Jar, striking him.

  SEBULBA

  E chuba nai?

  Enter ANAKIN SKYWALKER.

  ANAKIN

  [aside:] —My newfound friend needs help,

  Else vile Sebulba shall do him some harm.

  I shall report this Gungan is someone

  Of great import, and quick to anger, too.

  Thus may he live. [To Sebulba:] Chess ko, Sebulba, aye.

  Cha porko ootman geesa. Me teesa

  Rodda co pana pee choppa chawa.

  SEBULBA

  Neek me chawa, wermo, mo killee ma

  Klounkee. Un’ notu wo shag, m’wompity

  Du pom pom.

  [Exeunt Sebulba and vendor.

  ANAKIN

  —O, how roguish is this one!

  He saith he shall make my sure defeat

  When next we meet again, and would destroy

  Me now, would Watto not a young slave lose.

  His words I fear not, though he speaks them rough.

  [Qui-Gon, Padmé, and R2-D2 return.

  Well met, my friends. Your odd companion was

  Beset by trouble most severe, and would

  Have forfeited his life, for nearly did

  He come to fisticuffs, e’en with a Dug—

  A vicious one—Sebulba is his name.

  JAR JAR

  O meesa haten crunchee, issa

  De last thing meesa wantin’ heera.

  QUI-GON

  And yet, the boy is right. Thou courtest trouble.

  [To Anakin:] With gratitude I thank thee, little friend.

  JAR JAR

  But what? For meesa doin’ nothin’ …

  ANAKIN

  Pray, come with me, and try these pallies here.

  [Anakin purchases a confection from a vendor.

  QUI-GON

  I do accept, with thanks.

  ANAKIN

  [aside:] —But what is this

  I spy as he doth turn aside his cloak?

  A Jedi’s weapon!—I shall know more of’t.

  [To Qui-Gon:] A storm of sand arises soon, my liege:

  Do you have ample shelter from the squall?

  QUI-GON

  We shall return anon unto our ship.

  ANAKIN

  But is it far?

  PADMÉ

  —’Tis on the outskirts. Why?

  ANAKIN

  [aside:] Ahh, just the turn of chance for which I hop’d—

  An opportunity to see her more.

  [To Padmé:] You never shall the outskirts reach in time;

  Such storms on Tatooine may deadly be.

  Consider your fine party honor’d guests

  In my most humble home. ’Tis not too far.

  [The company makes its way to Anakin’s house as the sandstorm begins to blow.

  Fond mother, mother dear, art thou herein?

  Enter SHMI SKYWALKER.

  SHMI

  Indeed; here I do stand.

  ANAKIN

  —These are my friends.

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, squeak!

  QUI-GON

  —My name is Qui-Gon Jinn.

  Your son did kindly offer shelter here.

  ANAKIN

  [to Padmé:] I spend my moments free within my room,

  Engag’d in such pursuits as droid design.

  Pray, thither come, and Threepio you’ll meet.

  PADMÉ

  Lead on, I follow.

  [Exeunt Qui-Gon, Shmi, and Jar Jar. Padmé, Anakin, and R2-D2 walk aside, to his chamber. Anakin reveals C-3PO.

  ANAKIN

  —’Tis C-3PO!

  Is he not something wondrous to behold?

  The droid is not yet finish’d, but is close.

  PADMÉ

  Indeed, the droid is sign and testament

  To your vast skill and ingenuity.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] A scan doth show the droid is finely made—

  In time, perchance, I’ll know him better still.

  ANAKIN

  He is a droid of protocol, design’d

  To help my kindly mother in her work.

  Behold, and see him animate with life!

  [Anakin turns on C-3PO.

  C-3PO

  C-3PO am I, an expert in

  The human-cyborg link. How may I serve?

  PADMÉ

  He is perfection, Anakin.

  C-3PO

  —Am I?

  ANAKIN

  When this dark storm subsideth, I shall show

  My racer unto you—for racing pods.

  C-3PO

  [walking:] This floor may not entirely stable be.

  [To R2-D2:] My greetings, for we’ve not been introduc’d.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, beep, beep, meep, whistle, beep, meep, squeak.

  C-3PO

  ’Tis R2-D2, aye? A pleasure, sir.

  C-3PO am I, an expert in

  The human-cyborg link.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, whistle, woo?

  C-3PO

  I beg your pardon, droid—what do you mean

  When that you call me “naked,” impish one?

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, beep!

  C-3PO

  —My parts are all reveal’d?

  My parts are not so starkly bare as your

  Impolitic assertion, naughty droid.

  My protocol is tested by this scene.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI, SABÉ dressed as Queen Amidala, Captain Panaka, and SIO BIBBLE in beam, on balcony.

  SIO

  The Federation hath cut off supply

  Of food until you make return. And more,

  The death toll hath been catastrophic here.

  Conform unto their wishes, Highness, please,

  And contact me anon, ere more are dead.

  [Exit Sio Bibble from beam.

  OBI-WAN

  ’Tis but a ruse, Your Highness, take no mind.

  Send no reply—transmissions make ye none.

  [Exeunt Sabé and Captain Panaka from balcony.

  [Into communicator:] Good Master, message comes from small Naboo,

  And of their situation makes report.

  QUI-GON

  It soundeth like some bait through which, by trick,

  The Federation may soon trace us here.

  OBI-WAN

  What if it speaketh verily indeed?

  What shall we do if people perish there?

  QUI-GON

  In either case, the sands of time run out.

  [Exit Obi-Wan from balcony.

  Enter PADMÉ, ANAKIN SKYWALKER, SHMI SKYWALKER, JAR JAR BINKS, and R2-D2.

  SHMI

  I bid ye sit, and we’ll together sup.

  QUI-GON

  With thanks we’ll share your table happily.

  I prithee, tell me of your life as slave.

  SHMI

  All slaves are fit with small transmitters, which

  Within our bodies hidden do reside.

  ANAKIN

  I seek to build a scanner to find mine.

  SHMI

  If, then, a slave doth try to make escape—

  ANAKIN

  That slave shall make a frightful final flight.

  PADMÉ

  ’Tis difficult to think that slavery

  Doth still exist within the galaxy.

  The good Republic hath such laws as should—

  SHMI

  Yet your Republic is but naught out here.

  On Tatooine we must survive by wits.

  [Jar Jar snatches a piece of fruit with his tongue, eats
it, and belches.

  JAR JAR

  O beggee pardon, me excoosee.

  ANAKIN

  Has any one of ye a podrace seen?

  QUI-GON

  They have podracing o’er on Malastare.

  ’Tis dangerous, ’tis fast and furious.

  ANAKIN

  Methinks I am the human lone can do’t.

  QUI-GON

  Thou must have Jedi reflexes if so.

  [Jar Jar attempts to snatch another piece of fruit and Qui-Gon catches his tongue.

  [To Jar Jar:] Cease thou this rude and unbecoming act!

  ANAKIN

  You are a Jedi Knight. Is not this true?

  QUI-GON

  Why wouldst thou think a thing as this, young lad?

  ANAKIN

  I saw your sword bewitch’d with laser beam.

  None but the Jedi wield such rare defense.

  QUI-GON

  Perhaps I slew a Jedi, then took it.

  ANAKIN

  It is not so, for I believe no one

  Hath pow’r enough, a Jedi for to slay.

  QUI-GON

  O how I wish that such a thing were true.

  ANAKIN

  I dream’d, once long ago, that I—e’en I—

  Had train’d to be a Jedi, then return’d

  To Tatooine to liberate each slave.

  ’Twas but a dream, yet, O, how sweet its touch.

  Have you, good sir, come to deliver us?

  QUI-GON

  Nay, nay, unfortunately I have not.

  ANAKIN

  You say ’tis so, and yet I think you wrong:

  I do believe you have come bearing freedom.

  For wherefore else fly here, to Tatooine?

  QUI-GON

  ’Tis plain to me thou wilt not be the fool,

  Young Anakin. We go to Coruscant,

  The central system of th’Republic, on

  An enterprise of great pith and moment.

  ANAKIN

  How thither came your company, e’en to

  The Outer Rim?

  PADMÉ

  —Our ship was damagèd,

  And we are stranded till we make repair.

  ANAKIN

  For certain, I shall lend you aid, for I

  Am skill’d and can fix any broken thing.

  QUI-GON

  Indeed, I verily believe thou canst.

  But first, we must acquire the parts we need.

  JAR JAR

  We no got nutten mula tradee.

  PADMÉ

  These refuse dealers must some weakness have.

  SHMI

  ’Tis gambling—all the commerce here doth spin,

  In shaky orbit, ’round the sun of those

  Most awful, frightful races—e’en the pods.

  QUI-GON

  Podracing, yea. O, greed an ally strong

  May be—mayhap ’tis something we can use.

  ANAKIN

  I built a racer—aye, the fastest e’er.

  A podrace happens on the morrow, e’en

  On Boonta Eve. My pod may be your wager.

  SHMI

  Peace, Anakin! Thou knowest Watto shall

  Not let thee enter into any race!

  ANAKIN

  He knoweth not that I have built the thing!

  You, Qui-Gon, may make him think it is yours,

  Convincing him to let me pilot it.

  SHMI

  I shall not see’t. I die when thou dost race.

  Say, wouldst thou slay a mother’s heart again?

  ANAKIN

  Yet, Mother, ’tis what I do love to do.

  The money to be made upon the course

  Would more than pay for parts of which they’ve need.

  SHMI

  Fie, Anakin …

  QUI-GON

  —Thy mother hath the right.

  Tell me, I pray: is there none friendly to

  Republic’s cause who’d rise and lend us aid?

  SHMI

  Alas, there’s none. Not here on Tatooine.

  ANAKIN

  Sweet mother, hear my words and know my heart:

  My love for you is vast beyond compare,

  You know that I love naught so well as you.

  ’Tis you who taught me this: our universe

  Is massive, infinite. The trouble, though,

  Begins because no one shall help the other.

  A universe of beings, and each one

  Is too uncaring or afraid to stretch

  Their arms out wide and proffer helping hands.

  Shall we, in this grim moment of their need,

  Do just as others do and turn our backs?

  PADMÉ

  In troth, I know that Qui-Gon willingly

  Would not put thy sweet son in danger’s way.

  Another path we somehow shall seek out.

  SHMI

  The boy is right; there is no other way.

  What I desire is not the utmost here:

  He may assist you in the race. Indeed,

  It seemeth he was meant to meet thy need.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4.

  On the planet Coruscant.

  Enter RUMOR.

  RUMOR

  E’en as the Jedi fret to find their part,

  New enemies do move to work them woe.

  The Sith hath come, with evil in his heart,

  Equipp’d with might to rise against his foe.

  Replete with thoughts dark and insidious,

  The Sith, Darth Sidious, doth plan his move.

  He—with Darth Maul, apprentice hideous—

  Expects they shall their obstacles remove.

  So come they now, these men of vice and fear,

  Illicitly to make all bend the knee,

  Till they’ve the power, which they hold so dear,

  Help’d by this Rumor through the galaxy.

  [Exit.

  Enter DARTH SIDIOUS and DARTH MAUL.

  MAUL

  The planet Tatooine hath settlements

  But few and far between. Thus, if the trace

  Hath done its work, I shall find them anon,

  Good Master.

  SIDIOUS

  —Move against the Jedi first.

  That done, the queen thou shalt with ease convince

  To sign the treaty back in small Naboo.

  MAUL

  At last, we shall reveal ourselves unto

  The overcertain, pompous Jedi. Ha!

  At last, forsooth, we shall see our revenge.

  SIDIOUS

  Thou hast been trainèd well, apprentice mine;

  They shall in no wise be a match for thee.

  [Exit Darth Sidious.

  MAUL

  What seeds of bitterness the Jedi sow

  By their ambition and their errant pride.

  Darth Sidious is god; and to his law

  My services are bound. Wherefore should I

  Stand in the plague of custom, and thus let

  The curiosity of galaxies

  Deprive me for that I am some twelve deeds

  Lag of some honor? Why Sith? Wherefore base?

  The path of shadows is my chosen way,

  And who shall call me “villain” for the choice?

  If ’tis some villainy to search for pow’r,

  If ’tis a sin to sing the dark side’s praise,

  If ’tis an evil, striving ’gainst the wrong,

  If this is so, a Sith may be call’d base.

  My master with all readiness I serve,

  That I may aid the downfall of the vile,

  Contemptible and tiresome Jedi Council.

  A Sith I’ll be, and to my master sworn,

  And face the Jedi with mine utmost scorn.

  [Exit Darth Maul.

  SCENE 5.

  On the planet Tatooine.

  Enter PADMÉ.

  PADMÉ

  How shall I silent be with this fool plan?
<
br />   A queen—and her handmaiden—should speak out.

  A queen—e’en her handmaiden—may object.

  A queen—aye, too, her handmaiden—must balk

  At this idea that hath no merit to’t.

  So shall this maiden play her hand as ’twere

  The queen herself who doth her wishes speak.

  Enter QUI-GON JINN.

  Are you convinc’d ’tis wise to trust this fate

  That weaves for us a boy we hardly know?

  The queen would not approve, if she were here.

  QUI-GON

  ’Tis fortunate for us she shall not know.

  PADMÉ

  Yet neither doth my maiden’s heart approve.

  [Exit Padmé.

  Enter WATTO and ANAKIN SKYWALKER.

  WATTO

  The boy doth say that you would speckle him

  To race? How can you do this thing? Say how!

  Methinks not with Republic credits, ha!

  QUI-GON

  My ship—the Nubian—shall be my fee.

  WATTO

  ’Tis well, ’tis well.

  QUI-GON

  —The ship is well attir’d,

  But for the parts of which I have a need.

  WATTO

  In what do you propose the boy would ride?

  For he did smash my pod in his last race.

  Methinks he hath not time to make repair.

  ANAKIN

  In troth, ’twas not my fault. Sebulba flash’d

  Me with his vents. I sav’d the pod—well, most.

  WATTO Aye, this is true; the boy is deeply skill’d.