William Shakespeare's Star Wars Trilogy Read online

  Ten thousand is the cost, and ev’ry bit

  Shalt thou deliver ere we leave the dock.

  LUKE

  Ten thousand? Fie! We could our own ship buy

  For such a sum as this.

  HAN

  —A goodly jest!

  For who should pilot such a ship—shouldst thou?

  LUKE

  Thou knave, I could indeed! A pilot skill’d

  Am I in my own right. [To Obi-Wan:] Now should we stay,

  And be abusèd more by this man’s words?

  OBI-WAN

  Two thousand can we render to thee now,

  And fifteen more deliver when we come

  With safety unto Alderaan’s bright port.

  HAN

  Say, seventeen? Congratulations, men,

  Thou hast a ship secur’d, and we’ll depart

  Whene’er thou art prepar’d. Thou shalt find me

  At docking harbor number ninety-four.

  OBI-WAN

  Aye, ninety-four.

  HAN

  —It seemeth that thou may

  Already have provok’d some interest.

  [Exeunt Obi-Wan and Luke as stormtroopers pass by.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh.

  HAN

  —Seventeen! So must they desp’rate be!

  This truly may my swift deliv’rance prove.

  Go thou unto the ship and be prepar’d.

  [Chewbacca exits.

  In times now past have I poor judgments made,

  And now these errors plague my very soul.

  For freedom I was made—for taking wing!—

  Yet as a markèd man I cannot fly.

  For bound by debts, by duty and by fear,

  I live my life along the razor’s edge:

  One part of me that hunts for better life,

  And one part hunted for the life I’ve led.

  My own existence is a paradox—

  A smuggler with a lover’s kindly heart,

  A gambler with a noble spirit brave.

  I would be better than it seems I am

  If ever I transcend the man I was.

  Perhaps this new employment shall reveal

  The way I shall make straight my crooked path—

  Thus heal my past and write a future new.

  Enter GREEDO, stopping HAN SOLO as the latter begins to exit.

  GREEDO

  Na koona t’chuta, Solo?

  HAN

  —Yes, indeed,

  Good Greedo, I have plann’d to make my way

  Unto thy Master. Tell thou Jabba plain:

  I have obtain’d his money.

  GREEDO

  —Soong peetch’lay.

  Na mala tram pee chock makacheesa.

  Na Jabba w’nin chee kosthpa murishan’

  Tutyng ye wanya yoskah. Heh heh heh!

  Na chas kee nyowyee koo chooskoo.

  HAN

  —’Tis true,

  Yet this time is the money truly mine.

  GREEDO

  Keh lee chalya chulkah in ting coo’ng koos’.

  HAN

  [aside:] This bounty hunter doth my patience try.

  [To Greedo:] Nay, nay, I have not money with me now.

  Tell Jabba—

  GREEDO

  —Ny’chi withi! Ayl garu

  Puyay enya aru gagu shuku

  Shunu pu’aa ipi.

  HAN

  —But even I

  From time to time have boarded been. Dost thou

  Believe that e’er I had the choice?

  GREEDO

  —Dro Jabb’.

  Na paknee abnya apna.

  HAN

  —Nay, not that:

  The day when Jabba taketh my dear ship

  Shall be the day you find me a grave man.

  GREEDO

  Nay oo’chlay nooma. Chespeka noofa

  Na cringko kaynko, a nachoskanya!

  HAN

  Aye, true, I’ll warrant thou hast wish’d this day.

  [They shoot, Greedo dies.

  [To innkeeper:] Pray, goodly Sir, forgive me for the mess.

  [Aside:] And whether I shot first, I’ll ne’er confess!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter DARTH VADER, GRAND MOFF TARKIN, and COMMANDER TAGGE.

  VADER

  The princess hath shown great resistance to

  The mind probe—’twere as if she knew the Force

  And hath a Jedi’s blood to overcome

  The piercing of her mind by a machine.

  Belike it shall some length of time yet be

  Until we can extract the thoughts therein.

  Enter ADMIRAL MOTTI.

  MOTTI

  The final tests are now complete at last.

  And thus my news: the Death Star stands prepar’d.

  Aye, fully operational it is.

  So, Governor, what course shall we now set?

  TARKIN

  Perhaps the stubborn princess shall respond

  To an alternative persuasiveness.

  VADER

  I prithee, Tarkin, say: what dost thou mean?

  TARKIN

  Pray patience, Darth—thou shalt my meaning learn.

  Now time it is the power of this Death

  Star shown to all shall be. Now, Admiral,

  Go forth and set thy course for Alderaan.

  MOTTI

  I understand thee, and with pride obey.

  [Exeunt Grand Moff Tarkin, Commander Tagge, and Admiral Motti.

  VADER

  The death of innocents doth bring me joy.

  Because the dark side is my chosen path,

  The senseless end of others pains me not.

  For I have play’d the part of judge severe

  And then have been the executioner.

  Why would I care for those on Alderaan,

  When I have murder’d innocents as they?

  ’Tis my dark calling, which I do embrace.

  To Alderaan we fly on course direct,

  And to this feast of death I’ll not object.

  [Exit Darth Vader.

  SCENE 3.

  Mos Eisley, on the desert planet Tatooine.

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.

  C-3PO

  I prithee, lockest thou the door anon!

  [They hide behind door.

  Enter STORMTROOPERS.

  TROOPER 5

  This door is lock’d. And as my father oft

  Hath said, a lockèd door no mischief makes.

  So sure am I that, thus, behind this door

  Cannot be found the droids for which we search.

  And thus may we move on with conscience clear.

  [Exeunt stormtroopers. C-3PO and R2-D2 emerge.

  C-3PO

  I’ll tell thee true, I would with Master Luke

  Prefer to go than now remain with thee.

  I do not know what trouble here may be,

  Yet certain am I thou deserv’st the blame.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] I’ll warrant, thou shalt have thy recompense!

  [To C-3PO:] Squeak, whistle, beep, meep, nee, meep, whistle, squeak!

  C-3PO

  Hold thou thy cursing and most cursèd tongue!

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI and LUKE SKYWALKER.

  OBI-WAN

  Thou must thy speeder sell.

  LUKE

  —That matters not.

  For ne’er shall I return unto this place.

  CHORUS

  Young Luke doth with a buyer swiftly meet,

  And in a trice a hasty deal is wrought.

  A speeder sold along a dusty street—

  But with the sale new chance for hope is bought.

  LUKE

  A paltry sum, in truth! Aye, ever since

  The XP-38 hath been releas’d,

  This model hath but little value. Fie!

  OBI-WAN

  Fe
ar not—it shall suffice. ’Twill serve our need.

  [All stand aside.

  CHORUS

  Now while young Luke and Obi-Wan prepare,

  Their deeds are watch’d by eyes as yet unseen.

  With black beak menacing he spies the pair,

  Then comes another fiend with portly mien.

  Enter HAN SOLO with CHEWBACCA and JABBA THE HUTT with henchmen.

  JABBA

  Ba’Solo! Hay lapa no ya, Solo!

  HAN

  [aside:] Now, marry, ’tis an unexpected scene.

  [To Jabba:] Aye, here, thou Jabba slimy and rotund.

  I have awaited long thy coming here.

  JABBA

  Boonowa tweepi. Heh, ho, ha!

  HAN

  —Nay, nay!

  Thou didst not think that I should run, didst thou?

  JABBA

  Na-Han mah bukee. Keel-ee c’leya kuk’h.

  Wanta dah moolee-rah? Muh wonkee chee

  Sa crispo Greedo?

  HAN

  —Next time thou dost wish

  To counsel hold with me, pray come thyself!

  Send not thy churlish dismal-dreaming knaves.

  JABBA

  Han, Han. Make-cheesay. Pa’sa tah nay

  Ono caulky malia. Ee youngee

  D’emperiolo teesaw. Twa spastik’

  Wahl no. Yanee dah poo noo.

  HAN

  —Nay, see here!

  As I have said before—O verily,

  ’Tis though I just have said thus—even I

  From time to time have boarded been. Dost thou

  Believe that e’er I had the choice? [Aside:] Aye, true,

  It sometimes seemeth I repeat myself.

  [To Jabba:] Now have I, though, a simple charter found,

  And soon as it is done, thy payment shall

  Be done as well—belike with interest.

  I need but time and I shall do it, Sir.

  JABBA

  Na-Han ma bukee. Bargon yanah cot’

  Da eetha. See fah luto tweentee, ee

  Yaba na—

  HAN

  —Nay, say thou not so much.

  Fifteen percent, I’ll warrant, shall be well.

  JABBA

  See fah luto eetheen, ee yaba ma

  Dukey massa. Eeth wong che coh pa na

  Geen, nah meet’ toe bunk’ dunko. Lo choda!

  HAN

  O Jabba, thou wert e’er a kindly soul.

  JABBA

  Boska!

  [Exeunt Jabba and henchmen.

  OBI-WAN

  —Now if yon ship is truly fast,

  As quick as this Han Solo boasted so,

  We shall do well.

  LUKE

  [spying ship:] —What folly-fallen ship

  Is this? What rough-hewn wayward scut is here?

  HAN

  Point-five past light speed shall she make, my lad.

  Now truly, earneth she low marks for looks,

  But still a finer spirit hath no ship.

  Full many small improvements have I made

  To render her e’en faster than before.

  Now, marry, gentlemen, if thou agree,

  We shall be off, and speedily, from here.

  [Aside:] And if thy mouth insulteth it again,

  I promise, boy, thy face shall meet my hand.

  [Chewbacca, Obi-Wan, Luke, C-3PO, and R2-D2 board ship.

  CHORUS

  But ere the ship departs the sandy dock,

  The stormtroopers appear with massive threat.

  Informèd by the beak’d spy’s trait’rous talk,

  They come upon the ship, with weapons set.

  Enter STORMTROOPERS.

  TROOPER 5

  Pray, stop yon ship! Aye, blast them to the stars!

  HAN

  Chewbacca, prithee, hence! Now let us go!

  C-3PO

  O, traveling in space, it works me woe!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 4.

  Space, aboard the Millennium Falcon.

  CHORUS

  Mos Eisley now is left behind at last,

  While newer scenes come into view apace.

  As Han’s Millenn’um Falcon flies far fast

  The action of our play moves back to space!

  Enter CHEWBACCA and HAN SOLO, in ship.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh, auugh!

  HAN

  —Now are we follow’d hard upon

  By an Imperi’l cruiser. Verily,

  These passengers of great import must be

  For they by th’Empire hotly are pursu’d.

  Chewbacca, prithee, swift make our defense

  And angle the deflector shield whilst I

  Make plain the calculations for light speed.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI and LUKE SKYWALKER.

  Now vigilance, my Wookiee! Quickly come

  Two further ships, to try and block our path.

  LUKE

  Nay, wherefore canst thou not outrun them both?

  For thou didst boast of this strange vessel’s speed.

  HAN

  [aside:] Again he prattles on about the ship!

  O would that I had left him on the ground.

  [To Luke:] Pray mark thy words, lad, else thou surely wilt

  Become like refuse to a Star Destroy’r

  And float away to vanish midst the stars.

  I’ll warrant we shall soon in safety fly,

  Once we the jump to hyperspace can make.

  And what is more, my skill doth all exceed

  At making keen maneuvers. All my life

  Have I escap’d one scrape and yet one more.

  Well I remember when—as but a boy—

  I chas’d a nerf whilst on a speeder bike.

  Through rocky field in harsh terrain we went,

  Within, around and backward was our game.

  I caught the nerf that splendid day, but aye,

  It seems I have been dodging ever since.

  OBI-WAN

  How long, now, ere thou canst achieve lightspeed?

  HAN

  A few more moments shall it take whilst this

  Computer doth its navigation work.

  LUKE

  But art thou mad? For certain they approach!

  I have not made this journey just to die.

  [Aside:] This man shall surely be the end of me.

  HAN

  The travel unto hyperspace is not

  The same as thine a’dusting of the crops

  Upon thy land of infinite dry sand.

  Sans calculations quite exact, we would

  Belike run through a belt of asteroids,

  Or hit upon a planet’s center mark.

  Should such our fate become, thy trip would end

  Before it had begun.

  LUKE

  —But O, what now?

  What light through yonder flashing sensor breaks?

  HAN

  It marks the loss of yon deflector shield.

  I bid thee, peace! Now sit and thou take heed,

  For all’s prepar’d to jump unto lightspeed.

  CHORUS

  Han graspeth quick the console in his hand,

  Then suddenly the ship is bath’d in light.

  With roar of engine—noise profound and grand—

  The great Millenn’um Falcon takes her flight.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 5.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter GRAND MOFF TARKIN and ADMIRAL MOTTI.

  MOTTI

  Now are we come to th’system Alderaan.

  Enter PRINCESS LEIA, bound, with guards and DARTH VADER.

  LEIA

  Ah! Gov’nor Tarkin, scurvy knave art thou.

  Now seems it plain to me that Vader doth

  Perform the part of docile dog unto

  The sick’ning whinny of his Master’s voice.

  Familiar stench of dog’s best friend have I

/>   Mark’d deep within my sense of smell e’en when

  I came unto this station.

  TARKIN

  —Ever wert

  Thou charming, Leia, even to the last.

  Thou couldst not comprehend how hard it was—

  Aye, verily, how I did sigh and weep—

  To give the order to destroy thy life.

  LEIA

  Surpris’d am I thou had the courage so

  To take responsibility for such

  As this unto thy cowardly, small self.

  TARKIN

  [aside:] She groweth ever bolder, which doth but

  Increase my appetite to see her scream.

  [To Leia:] My Princess, ere thou executed art,

  I would thou join me for a moment full

  Of pomp and circumstance. For at this grand

  And noble ceremony shall the pow’r

  Of this great battle station here be shown

  To be quite fully operational.

  Now no star system shall e’er dare oppose

  The Emperor.

  LEIA

  —O but how wrong thou art!

  The more that thou dost exercise thy grip,

  The more star systems through that grip shall fall.

  TARKIN

  Not after we have shown the power vast

  This battle station shall to them display.

  And to the point: thou hast determin’d what

  The prim’ry demonstration of its force

  Shall be—which planet shall oblivion face.

  [Aside:] Now shall I drive this nail unto its home,

  And watch with joy as she with grief is torn.

  [To Leia:] Since thou hast so refus’d to grant to us