William Shakespeare's Star Wars Trilogy Read online

  OFFICER 1

  [through comlink:] But what hath happen’d?

  HAN

  —’Tis no matter, Sir—

  A slight malfunction of the weapons here.

  But all is well, and we are well, and all

  Within are well. The pris’ners, too, are well,

  ’Tis well, ’tis well. And thou? Art also well?

  OFFICER 1

  [through comlink:] We shall dispatch a squad to verify.

  HAN

  Nay, there’s a leak in the reactor here.

  Pray give us time to mend the matter well.

  The leak is large and dangerous, but fear

  Thou not, for all—I tell thee true—is well!

  OFFICER 1

  [through comlink:] But who art thou, and what’s thy number code?

  [Han Solo blasts comlink.

  HAN

  That conversation did my spirits bore!

  Now Luke, prepare thyself for company!

  [Luke enters Princess Leia’s chamber aside.

  LEIA

  Thou truly art in jest. Art thou not small

  Of stature, if thou art a stormtrooper?

  Does Empire shrink for want of taller troops?

  The Empire’s evil ways, I’ll grant, are grand,

  But must its soldiers want for fear of height?

  LUKE

  [aside:] So hath my introduction fallen short.

  She sees the uniform, but not the man.

  [Removing helmet, to Leia:] Luke Skywalker am I! I have thy droids,

  My noble errand is to rescue thee,

  And I with Ben Kenobi have come here!

  LEIA

  With Ben Kenobi? Where is he?

  LUKE

  —Draw near!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 3.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter DARTH VADER and Grand Moff Tarkin.

  VADER

  I tell thee: he is here.

  TARKIN

  —Old Obi-Wan

  Kenobi? Wherefore dost thou think ’tis so?

  VADER

  A tremor in the Force hath been my guide.

  When last I felt its movement I was in

  The presence of my former Master—he.

  TARKIN

  ’Twas years ago. He must be dead by now.

  VADER

  Thou shouldst not underestimate the pow’r

  The Force doth hold.

  TARKIN

  —The Jedi are extinct.

  Their power from the universe is gone

  And thou, dear friend, art all that doth remain

  Of their misguided, old religious ways.

  [Comlink beeps.] Pray, what?

  OFFICER 1

  [through comlink:] —Detention AA-23

  Hath sounded an emergency alert.

  TARKIN

  The princess? Fie! Put thou all sections on

  Alert.

  VADER

  —I tell thee: Obi-Wan is here,

  E’en now, and surely with him is the Force.

  TARKIN

  If thou art right, he must not be allow’d

  This station to escape. Nay, never, nay!

  VADER

  Escape is not his plan. I must confront

  My former Master, and must do’t alone.

  [Exit Grand Moff Tarkin.

  The Master’s lesson shall I teach in turn,

  When Obi-Wan I face in battle soon.

  I shall my vengeance win, my triumph gain,

  When I deliver him unto his death.

  Though comrades were we in full many wars,

  Though friends we have been once, the past is gone—

  And all is but a horrid memory.

  Today my hopes shall be achiev’d when I

  Strike down the vile betrayer of my youth.

  This conflict shall fulfill my destiny,

  And end for him in bleak eternity.

  [Exit Darth Vader.

  SCENE 4.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA, with STORMTROOPERS entering and LUKE SKYWALKER and PRINCESS LEIA, aside.

  CHORUS

  With hearty blast th’Imperi’l troops appear—

  Their coming doth require that Han retreat.

  In moment dangerous, amidst great fear,

  Here Han and Leia for the first time meet.

  HAN

  Our exit’s block’d now.

  LEIA

  —With a fool’s great skill

  Hast thou our route to freedom quite cut off.

  HAN

  Mayhap Thy Highness would prefer her cell?

  LUKE

  [to comlink:] C-3PO! Canst thou by any means

  Discover how we may the cellblock leave?

  Our entry point is now a deadly end.

  C-3PO

  [through comlink:] All to thy presence have alerted been!

  The entrance only takes one in or out.

  All other information where thou art

  Hath been restricted.

  LUKE

  [to Han:] —Now are we quite trapp’d!

  HAN

  I cannot hold them back forever, sure!

  LEIA

  ’Tis quite a rescue thou hast plann’d for me.

  Thou hast come in, but how shalt thou go out?

  Hath folly been thy guide?

  HAN

  —He hath the plan,

  Not I, thou sweetheart of ingratitude!

  [Leia takes Luke’s blaster, shoots hole in wall.

  By what dark sprite of Hell art thou possess’d?

  LEIA

  It falls to me to make our rescue good.

  Now follow me into the refuse heap!

  [Princess Leia exits into chute.

  HAN

  [to Chewbacca:] Go thou hence!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  HAN

  —Get in, thou furry lump!

  I care not what thou smell’st within! Unless

  ’Tis death, must be a sweeter smell than this

  Attack! Now go, be not afear’d, my friend!

  [Chewbacca exits into chute.

  [To Luke:] I say, what charming girl thou here hast found!

  I either shall destroy her, or, perhaps,

  I may in time begin to like the wench!

  LUKE

  [aside:] Nay, executioner or lover, both

  Are far too great a role for thee to play.

  HAN

  Now go, and follow I, all else be damn’d!

  [Exeunt Luke and Han into chute.

  CHORUS

  The scene doth shift unto the refuse space,

  Where all is rot, as like a fun’ral pyre.

  Though safe, our heroes other woes now face—

  They go from frying pan unto the fire.

  Enter HAN SOLO, CHEWBACCA, LUKE SKYWALKER, and PRINCESS LEIA in garbage pile at bottom of chute.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  HAN

  —O! What wonder of the human mind

  Hath thought to bring us here? Your Highness must

  Be lauded greatly for discov’ring such

  A wondrous smell as this! [To Chewbacca:] I’ll blast the door,

  Swift get thee hence!

  LUKE

  —Nay, prithee, shoot thou not!

  [Han shoots and the blast ricochets.

  Thou arrant knave! Wouldst thou undo us all?

  I have already tried to exit thus,

  But lo, as thou now plainly seest, thou brute,

  The passageway is seal’d magnetic’lly!

  LEIA

  Now rid us of that blaster, quickly too—

  Else shall thine edgy trigger finger mean

  The certain death of all of us herein!

  HAN

  O, aye, thy Worship—ha! ’Twas all in my

  Control till thou didst lead us to this heap,

  Nor shall th
e stormtroopers need any time

  To calculate where all of us have flown.

  LEIA

  And yet, I say to you: it could be worse.

  [A loud sound is heard.

  HAN

  ’Tis worse.

  LUKE

  —I’ll warrant, something lives in here!

  HAN

  [aside:] I ’spect his word is true, but fear to say.

  [To Luke:] ’Tis but thy keen imagination, Luke.

  LUKE

  ’Twas not just my imagination that

  Hath now swum boldly past my leg, or else

  Imagination now hath body too!

  Aye there—did thine eyes see? Did but a mere

  Imagin’d figment just swim by?

  HAN

  —See what?

  [Luke is pulled into the water by an unseen force.

  CHORUS

  Yet ere young Luke with answer can respond,

  He’s pull’d unto the wat’ry depths below.

  For sev’ral moments in that garbage pond

  No sign is seen beneath the murky flow.

  An om’nous sound breaks forth into the pit,

  And seconds later Luke emerges, spent.

  The beast’s pursuit of him for now is quit—

  A greater challenge doth this represent.

  [Luke rises above the surface.

  LEIA

  O miracle, that thou art truly sav’d!

  What happen’d there, below the briny sludge?

  LUKE

  I do not know. The slimy creature hath

  Releas’d its vice-like grip on me and fled.

  [Another sound is heard.

  HAN

  I have a feeling bad about this sound.

  [The walls begin to contract.

  LUKE

  The walls—O horrid Fate—begin to move!

  LEIA

  Be not afear’d, and stand thou not in awe,

  But rouse thee now and halt its sure approach!

  Now lend me thy assistance!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  LUKE

  —But wait,

  I have a comlink and may hail the droids.

  [Into comlink:] C-3PO! Say, art thou there? Pray, speak!

  CHORUS

  But while he tries to hail the golden droid,

  C-3PO hath troubles of his own,

  For stormtroopers are to their room deploy’d

  And now the droids must save themselves alone.

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2 aside, with STORMTROOPERS.

  C-3PO

  O grant us help, for there are madmen here,

  Who have e’en now to th’prison level gone!

  If thou but hurry, thou may’st catch them there.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] Well said, my friend! He hath a merry wit

  When pride and scorn fall not from out his mouth.

  TROOPER 7

  [to other stormtroopers:] Aye, prithee fellows, come and follow me!

  [Exeunt stormtroopers.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh.

  LUKE

  —3PO!

  HAN

  —Now climb on top!

  LEIA

  —In faith,

  I try!

  LUKE

  —Where is the knave? C-3PO!

  C-3PO

  I fear a wicked fate’s befallen them.

  Pray, R2, see if they imprison’d are.

  Now search apace!

  R2-D2

  —Beep, squeak, meep, whistle, beep!

  HAN

  One thing is certain: we shall thinner be.

  I shall not lose my wit, e’en in death’s face!

  R2-D2

  Beep, beep.

  C-3PO

  —They are not found, O great relief!

  Where may they be?

  R2-D2

  —Squeak.

  C-3PO

  —Use the comlink? O!

  I had forgotten quite, and turn’d it off.

  [Into comlink:] Pray, art thou there, Sir?

  LUKE

  [into comlink:] —3PO? ’Tis thou?

  C-3PO

  [into comlink:] I will confess: we have some problems fac’d.

  LUKE

  [aside, into comlink:] Peace, 3PO! Lend ears and not thy voice!

  Disarm thou ev’ry refuse masher on

  Detention levels! Dost thou mark me, droid?

  Be rapid, else thy Master is no more!

  C-3PO

  [aside, to R2-D2:] Nay, shut them all down! Hurry, R2, go!

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak, meep, whistle, hoo.

  LUKE

  —Ahh!

  HAN

  —O!

  LEIA

  —Ahh!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  C-3PO

  No heart within this golden breast doth beat,

  For only wires and circuit boards are here.

  Yet as I hear my Master’s dying screams

  No heart is necessary for my grief.

  A droid hath sadnesses, and hopes, and fears,

  And each of these emotions have I felt

  Since Master Luke appear’d and made me his.

  No Master have I e’er respected so,

  Thus at this moment grave I do declare:

  There is no etiquette for shedding tears,

  No protocol can e’er express my woe.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] A plague on 3PO for action slow,

  A plague upon my quest that led us here,

  A plague on both our circuit boards, I say!

  LUKE

  [into comlink:] Nay, nay, fear not, dear droid, we all still live!

  Pray open thou the door on maint’nance hatch

  3-2-6-8-2-7—blessèd be!

  R2-D2

  [aside:] O fondest hope, O fervent pray’rs now heard!

  My Master is alive, and plagues deterr’d!

  [Exeunt all.

  SCENE 5.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI in stealth, with two STORMTROOPERS and power terminal.

  CHORUS

  While Luke and Leia, Han and Chewie flee,

  Old Obi-Wan has reached the power source.

  He cuts the tractor beam quite cunningly,

  Then makes his exit drawing on the Force.

  TROOPER 8

  What do these warnings tell—shall we explore?

  TROOPER 9

  Belike ’tis just a drill, and nothing more!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 6.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER, holding stormtrooper helmet.

  LUKE

  Alas, poor stormtrooper, I knew ye not,

  Yet have I ta’en both uniform and life

  From thee. What manner of a man wert thou?

  A man of inf’nite jest or cruelty?

  A man with helpmate and with children too?

  A man who hath his Empire serv’d with pride?

  A man, perhaps, who wish’d for perfect peace?

  Whate’er thou wert, good man, thy pardon grant

  Unto the one who took thy place: e’en me.

  Enter HAN SOLO, CHEWBACCA, and PRINCESS LEIA.

  HAN

  If we may female-giv’n advice avoid,

  We should be well upon our merry way.

  LUKE

  Aye, stand I ready to be gone from here.

  [Large sound is heard.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  HAN

  —Say, where dost thou go to, Wookiee? Where?

  [Han fires.

  LEIA

  Thou brute, they shall o’erhear!

  HAN

  —Pray come thou here,

  Chewbacca, else I brand thee cowardly.

  LEIA

  Now use thine ears and, if thou hast, thy brain:

  I know not who thou art or whence
thou cam’st,

  Yet from this moment, thou shalt heed my words.

  HAN

  Your Worship, prithee let me be direct:

  I have one Lord and Master: ’tis myself,

  And only from that one take I commands.

  LEIA

  A wonder great that thou art still alive!

  Now prithee, shall this walking carpet be

  Removèd from my path?

  HAN

  [aside:] —A saucy wit!

  A wicked tongue that will be tam’d, I vow—

  No other payment is reward enough.

  [They come upon the hangar where the Millennium Falcon is held.

  [To Luke, Princess Leia, and Chewbacca:] There ’tis.

  LUKE

  [into comlink:] —C-3PO? Say, art thou there?

  C-3PO

  [aside, in comlink:] Aye, Sir.

  LUKE

  [into comlink:] —And art thou safe?

  C-3PO

  [aside, in comlink:] —For now, we are.

  We are position’d in the hangar just

  Across, directly, from the gallant ship.

  LUKE

  [into comlink:] And we are just above thee, so stand by.

  LEIA

  [to Han:] Hast thou come here in that ungainly heap?

  Thou art, perhaps, then braver than I thought.

  HAN

  ’Tis well and good, though I need not thy praise.