William Shakespeare's Star Wars Trilogy Read online

  Be smuggling. All we do is madness—fie!

  If I could start the ship, the tractor beam

  Would wrap its eagle’s talons ’round my neck.

  OBI-WAN

  The tractor beam thou may’st leave unto me.

  HAN

  Thou fool, I knew that thou wouldst say as much.

  OBI-WAN

  Aye, say thou fool? Then fool, good Sir, am I.

  But when thou sayest fool remember well

  That fools do walk in foolish company.

  So if I am a fool, perhaps ’tis true

  That other fools around me may be found.

  For who is he who hath more foolish been—

  The fool or other fool who follows him?

  [They hide. Guards 1 and 2 standby while scanning crew enters ship and are bested by Obi-Wan, Luke, Han Solo, and Chewbacca.

  GUARD 1

  Oi! Didst thou hear that sound?

  GUARD 2

  —Pray, hear a sound?

  GUARD 1

  Aye, truly—I quite clearly heard a sound.

  GUARD 2

  Thine ears, mayhap, play tricks on thee, my friend.

  GUARD 1

  Nay, nay. Dost thou not think this strange?

  GUARD 2

  —What strange?

  GUARD 1

  The droids did flee the ship we have attack’d,

  And unto Tatooine have gone by pod.

  ’Tis true, thus far?

  GUARD 2

  —I cannot claim ’tis false.

  GUARD 1

  On Tatooine they have been tracèd first

  To Jawas vile and then to humans—

  GUARD 2

  —Dead.

  GUARD 1

  Aye, dead they are—our men did see to it.

  But follow on: the boy who with them liv’d

  Hath fled, we knew not where, till he was seen

  At yon Mos Eisley with the pair of droids.

  GUARD 2

  Aye, aye, ’twas all in last week’s briefing. Pray,

  What more of this? Hast thou aught new to say?

  GUARD 1

  The boy and droids together disappear’d

  The very hour the ship—this ship—did fly.

  And now, the ship is here, though empty seems.

  GUARD 2

  Nay, empty ’tis! The scanning crew doth work

  E’en now.

  GUARD 1

  —Which bringeth me full circle to

  The sound I just have heard. Is’t possible,

  My friend, that boy and droids and rebels all

  Have flown within this ship unto this base

  And yet—e’en now—whilst thou and I do speak,

  Still hide within the ship?

  GUARD 2

  —I am amaz’d!

  GUARD 1

  Aye, verily? Think’st thou I may be right?

  GUARD 2

  I said thou hast amaz’d me, and ’tis true.

  But never did I say I think thee right—

  Thou dost amaze by thy o’eractive thoughts!

  A hidden boy! The droids within! A fig!

  Avaunt, thou silly guard, be not so thick.

  Thy great imagination hath o’erwrought

  Thy better senses. Thinkest thou thy pow’rs

  Of judgment far exceed our Masters true?

  May’st thou outwit the great Darth Vader or

  The cunning of our Gov’nor Tarkin? Nay!

  We are but simple guards, our purpose here

  Is plain and to the point: we have been task’d

  To watch the ship and follow all commands,

  And not to prattle on with airy thoughts.

  GUARD 1

  Aye, thou hast spoke a well-consider’d word.

  Thou art a friend, as I have e’er maintain’d,

  And thou hast spoken truth and calm’d me quite.

  The rebels hide herein! What vain conceit!

  That e’er they should the Death Star enter—ha!

  GUARD 2

  It warms my heart to see thee so restor’d

  And back to thine own merry, native self.

  HAN

  [within:] Pray, may we have thy good assistance here?

  GUARD 1

  [to Guard 2:] So, let us go together, friend. Good cheer!

  [Guards 1 and 2 enter ship and are killed. Exeunt others.

  SCENE 2.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter OFFICERS 2 and 3.

  OFFICER 2

  Say—TK-421, now wherefore hast

  Thou left thy station? TK-421,

  Canst thou my message hear? [To Officer 3:] Take thou command,

  Belike he hath a bad transmitter. So

  Shall I attend and help him if I may.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI, C-3PO, R2-D2, and CHEWBACCA with HAN SOLO and LUKE dressed as stormtroopers, killing Officers 2 and 3.

  CHORUS

  Now through the doorway come our heroes brave.

  Th’Imperi’l officers Chewbacca fights

  Whilst Han with blaster doth his entry pave.

  They have arriv’d: escape is in their sights.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  LUKE

  —Fie! With all this howling nonsense and

  With all thy blasting ’tis a miracle

  That all within the station have not heard

  Of our arrival.

  HAN

  —Surely, let them come!

  A fight would I prefer to sneaking yon

  And hither.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, beep whistle, squeak, beep, meep.

  C-3PO

  We have the outlet for the system found.

  [Aside:] O that my words might end their bickering.

  OBI-WAN

  ’Tis well! Plug R2 in and he shall read

  The whole Imperi’l network.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, meep, squeak!

  Hoo, whistle, whee, ahh, beep, meep, squeak, beep, meep.

  C-3PO

  Now hath he found the main control unto

  The power beam that holds the ship herein.

  He shall attempt to show thee, presently,

  Where its exact location may be found.

  The tractor beam in seven places is

  Connected to the main reactor, but

  A power loss at any terminal

  Shall set the good Millenn’um Falcon free.

  OBI-WAN

  [aside:] That number seven shall our freedom mean.

  But only one of seven shall we need.

  I fear those numbers—seven and then one—

  Do something dangerous portend. But why?

  Our company is only six, unless

  There were another join’d unto us here.

  Then were we seven, yet what means the one?

  O! Strangely sweeps the thought into my mind:

  I have a feeling through the Force that ere

  We leave this place, some seven shall we be.

  Yet one shall stay behind as sacrifice.

  Thus seven and thus one: the numbers tell

  The story that herein shall soon be told.

  [To Luke and Han:] Methinks ye two cannot assist me now.

  This one—e’en I—shall go alone.

  HAN

  —Aye, good!

  So shall I hearken unto what thou sayst,

  For I already on this voyage have

  Done more than that for which I have been paid.

  LUKE

  I would go with thee, Sir.

  OBI-WAN

  —Pray, patience, Luke,

  For thou must stay and guard the vital droids.

  They must be taken safely to our friends,

  Or other systems end like Alderaan.

  Thy destiny, dear boy, doth truly go

  Upon a path far different from mine,

  And Fate for thee hath spun another thread

  Tha
n what she hath for Obi-Wan’s life stitch’d.

  The Force, it shall be with thee always, Luke.

  [Exit Obi-Wan.

  LUKE

  [aside:] He hath bestow’d a Jedi’s blessing here,

  So why then am I utterly unnerv’d?

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  HAN

  —Wookiee, thou hast spoken well

  and true:

  Whence hast thou this old bag of bones uncover’d?

  LUKE

  Yon Ben in all good virtues doth excel.

  HAN

  Aye, certain he excelleth when the goal

  Is but to lead us into trouble great.

  LUKE

  But thou hast not excell’d at offering

  A thought to how we can this station ’scape.

  HAN

  Yet any simple plan excelleth o’er

  Remaining here till all descend on us.

  It taketh not a wisdom that excels

  To know for certain fact that such is true.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] By heav’n I’ll stop their bickering with this

  New information. [To Han and Luke:] Whistle, beep, meep, whee!

  LUKE

  I prithee, what doth all this beeping mean?

  C-3PO

  Sir, I confess I do not know. He hath

  Declar’d that he hath found her, then the droid

  Repeats “She’s here, she’s here.”

  LUKE

  —But, marry, who?

  C-3PO

  Good Princess Leia.

  LUKE

  —Princess Leia—here?

  [Aside:] Now doth this strange adventure stir my blood!

  HAN

  What sayst of “princess”?

  LUKE

  —Where, thou droid? Say where!

  HAN

  What princess? On thy life, this thing unveil.

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep, meep, beep, squeak, whistle, beep, meep, hoo.

  C-3PO

  E’en now the princess is on Level 5,

  Detention block of AA-23.

  R2-D2

  [aside:] O me! This new discovery of mine

  Doth shake my core, and shall arouse their souls.

  [To Han and Luke:] Meep, meep, ahh, beep, squeak, beep, meep, beep, ahh, nee.

  C-3PO

  I fear, good Sir, it doth give certain news

  The princess shall be terminated soon.

  LUKE

  Nay, nay! So quickly met and now, with this,

  So quickly lost! Now must we swiftly act!

  HAN

  What dost thou prattle on about? Pray tell!

  LUKE

  [aside:] O how can one describe in simple words

  The import this myster’ous woman hath

  Upon my life? [To Han:] The droids, these droids, are hers,

  She hath appear’d in message urgent, too!

  I see thou canst not understand it well,

  Yet what I know is this: we must give her

  Whate’er unflagging help and hope we may!

  HAN

  Speak not with such great folly. Obi-Wan

  Hath told us to remain.

  LUKE

  —Yet knew he not

  That she is here! [To C-3PO:] Pray tell me how we may

  Straight make our way to the detention block.

  HAN

  I say again what I have said before:

  To this location is my purpose fix’d

  And whether princess be within or no,

  I tell thee plain: I shall not thither go.

  LUKE

  She shall be executed! Thou hast said,

  Mere minutes past, that thou wouldst not remain

  To see our sudden, sure imprisonment.

  Now is thy fondest wish that we should stay?

  HAN

  To march to the detention block’s unwise!

  To make our way to danger folly ’tis!

  To there present ourselves is passing mad!

  To boldly go where none hath gone is wild!

  LUKE

  Hast thou no heart? She sentenc’d is to die!

  HAN

  My sentence is: ’tis better she than I.

  LUKE

  [aside:] How shall I break a heart that loveth not,

  And how convince a man who lives by wits?

  He hath not seen the urgency within

  Her eyes. He hath not known the trembling in

  Her voice. He hath not heard the manner of

  Her plea. And yet, without his help I fear

  My errand surely fails. What shall I do?

  I know that under his exterior

  More good and noble aspirations lie.

  But by what tricks of speech to bring them forth,

  And what persuasions shall his fix’d will move?

  My aunt Beru hath told me once a tale:

  She said when first the deep, vast Kessel mines

  Were dug, it was revealèd that the pearls

  Of greatest value must by clever means

  Discover’d be. So did the miners band

  Together, so to make a useful tool.

  This tool would pull the pearls out of the rock

  In such a way they seem’d t’emerge by ruse.

  This practice had a name: the Hammer Ploy.

  Now shall I play a Hammer’s Ploy upon

  The soul of this good smuggler, coaxing him

  By means most indirect to rescue good.

  Thus may the pearl of his still ragged soul

  Revealèd be and shine as ne’er before.

  [To Han:] I tell thee true: the lady wealthy is.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh, auugh!

  HAN

  —Say, wealthy?

  LUKE

  —Wealthy, aye, with pow’r.

  If thou wouldst rescue her, thy great reward

  Would be—

  HAN

  —Pray, what?

  LUKE

  —Well more, I’ll warrant, than

  Thou mayst imagine!

  HAN

  —Ha, thou josh with me.

  For my imagination hath few bounds.

  LUKE

  Thou shalt have it!

  HAN

  —So would I!

  LUKE

  —Aye, thou wilt!

  HAN

  Enough, I am engag’d. But I do hope

  Thou knowest well of what thou speakest here.

  LUKE

  Well, well!

  HAN

  —Hast thou a plan?

  LUKE

  —C-3PO,

  I prithee pass those binding cuffs to me.

  [To Chewbacca:] Good Wookiee, I shall put these on thee now.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  LUKE

  —Han, perhaps thou shouldst that honor have.

  [Han Solo cuffs Chewbacca.

  HAN

  Fear not, dear Chewie, now his plan is plain.

  C-3PO

  My Master Luke, forgive my question frank:

  What should we do if we discover’d are?

  LUKE

  Lock thou the door.

  HAN

  —And pray they’ve blasters none.

  C-3PO

  [aside to R-D2:] ’Tis not a reassuring word.

  R2-D2

  —Beep, squeak!

  [Exeunt C-3PO and R2-D2 as Han, Luke, and Chewbacca go to detention block.

  CHORUS

  So now Chewbacca, Han, and Luke proceed

  Unto detention level 5, quite grave.

  With bravery, good hope, and all Godspeed,

  Their errand is a princess there to save.

  The minions of the Death Star pay no mind,

  Nor are they by these three at all dismay’d.

  They do not fear the Wookiee, for behind

  Are Han and Luke as stormtroopers array’d.

  Meanwhile in st
ealth does Obi-Wan pass by

  And to the terminal doth make his way,

  But while he goes Darth Vader feels him fly—

  So ev’ry character his role doth play.

  HAN

  Thy plan, it shall not work.

  LUKE

  —And wherefore hast

  Thou not said this ere now?

  HAN

  —Aye, but I have!

  [Luke, Han Solo, and Chewbacca enter detention block with Officer 4 and soldiers.

  OFFICER 4

  By heav’n, I say: where takest thou this thing?

  LUKE

  This pris’ner hath been transferr’d here, from cell 1-1-3-8.

  OFFICER 4

  —No one hath told me so.

  Thus ’tis my duty to confirm thy word.

  [Soldiers approach.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  HAN

  —Be thou swift and merciless, good Luke!

  [Han Solo, Luke, and Chewbacca kill Officer 4 and soldiers.

  CHORUS

  With blasters rais’d and targets in their scopes,

  The three do overtake th’Imperi’l threat.

  This obstacle o’ercome, they have fresh hopes—

  But still their way hath not been made clear yet.

  HAN

  Now shall we see wherein thy princess lies …

  It saith herein she now is held in cell

  2-1-8-7. Go! I’ll hold them here.

  [To comlink:] O be not anxious, comrades, fear ye not!

  The situation here hath been controll’d.

  All merry ’tis in the detention block!