William Shakespeare's the Jedi Doth Return (9781594747144) Read online

It gave me, which eventually turn’d

  To bites that drew no small amount of blood.

  I train’d it to be vicious, to enjoy

  The taste of flesh and powd’ry crunch of bone.

  Yet ever did it know its master true—

  And never would it turn its anger fierce

  Upon the one who lov’d it first and best.

  Was ever rancor in this humor rais’d?

  Was ever rancor in this humor won?

  To think on it brings pain past all resolve.

  O Fate, that ever I should see this day—

  Now there’s but little light left in this world,

  For its bright sun unjustly is snuff’d out.

  I shall away, and drown myself in tears,

  Belike to live the sad remainder of

  My mortal days upon this planet grave

  Unfriended, unprotected, and alone.

  [Exit rancor keeper.

  Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA , escorted by GUARDS.

  LUKE

  O Han!

  HAN

  —’Tis Luke?

  LUKE

  —How dost thou fare, good friend?

  Thou art less cold than when I saw thee last.

  HAN

  The ice hath gone, but still the chill remains.

  But I am well enough, consid’ring all,

  And now we are together once again.

  LUKE

  ’Twould not be miss’d. Such fun we have in store.

  HAN

  How is our cause?

  LUKE

  —The same as ever, friend.

  HAN

  That bad, indeed? And where is Leia?

  LEIA

  —Here.

  I am quite safe and, as of yet, unharm’d,

  But bound unto this wormlike lump of hate.

  JABBA

  Hagoy ooneetonuh.

  C-3PO

  —O dear! The great

  And high exaltedness, this Jabba of

  The Hutt, decrees that ye shall presently

  Be terminated.

  HAN

  —Just as well; I loathe

  A lengthy wait. [ Aside:] The eyes may yet be blind,

  But ’tis relief to know the wit is well.

  C-3PO

  Thou shalt, therefore, be ta’en to the Dune Sea,

  And cast into the pit of old Carkoon,

  The nesting place of the all-pow’rful sarlacc.

  HAN

  As yet this Fate doth not so dismal sound.

  CRUMB

  [ aside:] I lik’d him better when he was on ice—

  The frozen one hath quite a shrewish mouth.

  Belike the details of the sarlacc shall

  Give rest to his most flippant, prating tongue.

  C-3PO

  Within the sarlacc’s belly ye shall know

  A definition new of suffering

  As ye are gradu’lly digested o’er

  A thousand thousand years. Thus saith the Hutt.

  HAN

  As I reflect, mayhap we should decline.

  I find I have no stomach for this feast

  Since it is we who shall the supper be.

  CHEWBAC.

  Auugh!

  LUKE

  —Thou wilt soon regret this gross mistake,

  For ’tis the last misstep thou e’er shalt make.

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 5.

  The desert planet Tatooine, at the sarlacc’s pit in the Dune Sea.

  Enter R2-D2 on Jabba’s barge.

  R2-D2

  The end of this bleak scene is almost near,

  For I shall play the part of helpmate to

  My master true, securing freedom for

  Us all. No more shall Jabba terrorize

  The planet Tatooine, for he shall be

  Destroy’d before the double sun doth set.

  Enter C-3PO , bumping into R2-D2.

  C-3PO

  O pardon me, I do apologize.

  R2-D2

  Beep, squeak!

  C-3PO

  —My R2, ah! What dost thou here?

  R2-D2

  Beep, whistle, meep, beep, nee!

  C-3PO

  —Well can I see

  That thou art serving drinks, but dangerous

  This place is. Soon they plan to execute

  Good Master Luke, and if we take not care,

  No doubt we shall be executed too!

  R2-D2

  Beep, meep!

  C-3PO

  —I wish I had thy confidence.

  Enter LUKE SKYWALKER, HAN SOLO, and CHEWBACCA with LANDO OF CALRISSIAN in disguise and several GUARDS on balcony, as Jabba’s skiff.

  LUKE

  [ aside:] Here is the hour that ends in our escape,

  Here is the moment Jabba sees defeat,

  Here is the instant I have plannèd for,

  Here is the battle grand: the skiff’s the thing

  Wherein I’ll catch Han’s rescue and take wing.

  HAN

  Methinks mine eyes have quite improv’d, for now

  Instead of just a blur of dark I see

  A blur of light. ’Tis almost pleasant. Ha!

  LUKE

  Alas, ’tis nothing here to see. I did

  Once live on Tatooine, as thou dost know.

  HAN

  And thou shalt die here too. Convenient ’tis.

  LUKE

  Stay close to Lando and Chewbacca. All

  Things shall end well, for I have plann’d it so.

  HAN

  So sayest thou. [ Aside:] His confidence is such

  As I’ve not seen in him before; I know

  Not whether to guffaw or be impress’d.

  [Guards extend the skiff’s plank and force Luke onto it.

  LUKE

  The plank hath been set forth, and I shall walk

  Not unto death, but our deliverance.

  Enter JABBA OF THE HUTT, PRINCESS LEIA bound to Jabba, BIB FORTUNA, BOBA FETT, THE MAX REBO BAND, SALACIOUS CRUMB, and other members of Jabba’s court below, on a barge.

  JABBA

  Koneetah!

  C-3PO

  —Hear ye! Victims of the great

  Almighty sarlacc: Jabba of the Hutt,

  His excellency, hopeth ye shall die

  With honor. Should ye wish for mercy now

  To beg, great Jabba of the Hutt shall hear

  Your pleas.

  HAN

  —Nay, 3PO! Say thou to that

  Vast slimy piece of filth bestrewn with worms

  He shall have no such pleasure out of us!

  Now that I am no more a markèd man,

  I shall most fully proffer my belief

  That Jabba is a horrid murderer

  Far worse than any I have ever known.

  Who here shall prove me wrong or argue, eh?

  ’Tis right, good Chewie, I speak true?

  CHEWBAC.

  —Egh, auugh!

  LUKE

  Pray, Jabba, hear: I shall not ask again—

  Thou mayst free us, or be destroy’d anon.

  So give us liberty or give thyself death.

  JABBA

  Ho, ho! Sabutah mayr.

  CRUMB

  —Aye, put him in!

  No more of these fools’ speech my ears would hear!

  LUKE

  [ aside:] The scene is set. Pray, Lando, play thy part,

  And R2, thou hast ever been most true,

  Now fail me not in this most vital time.

  R2-D2

  [ aside:] This is the moment; aye, this is the time.

  JABBA

  Koos nooma!

  CRUMB

  —Let the suffering begin!

  I shall enjoy this show of pain and death.

  LEIA

  Alas, Luke jumps! But wait, he flips aright

  Onto the skiff, and R2 hath releas’d

  Into the air Luke’s lightsaber! He has�
��t,

  ’Tis his! O clever droid, with aim so true,

  And clever Luke, devising such a plan.

  HAN

  The battle’s here! Mine eyes see well enough

  To know that now ’tis time for combat!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  LANDO

  Now, Lando, to thy recompense for all

  That thou hast done! Betrayer shall become

  The bravest fighter e’er rebellion’s seen!

  My courage here shall render payment for

  The villainy I’ve tender’d in the past.

  [They battle, and many of Jabba’s court are thrown into the sarlacc’s pit.

  JABBA

  Ahh!

  LEIA

  —What role shall I play in this? I shall

  Not stand aside and let them fight for me.

  I am no fragile damsel to be sav’d,

  But have, since I was young, fought for myself.

  Thus, to my work: to slay the biggest foe—

  Thou, Jabba, art for me and me alone!

  FETT

  I shall fly unto the fray, for no mere band of

  rebels shall outwit the great Jabba of the Hutt.

  They shall not easily defeat the one who doth

  fill my coffers. Not, indeed, as long as Boba Fett

  hath pow’r to live and breathe. To it!

  [Lando fights with a guard and falls off the skiff toward the pit.

  LANDO

  Alas, my friends, I fall!

  [Boba Fett flies to the skiff.

  Han Solo and Chewbacca fall.

  LUKE

  —Nay, thou vile Fett!

  Thou shalt not have the best of us. A-ha!

  [Luke strikes Boba Fett’s blaster.

  Thy blaster’s now in twain by my lightsaber.

  FETT

  A hit, a very palpable hit! He hath torn my

  blaster in twain with his lightsaber, but I shall

  have him yet, and protect my great reward.

  Go, ropes, and bind this rascal Jedi. Belike

  Jabba shall further payment render when he

  doth see the noble deeds done for his sake.

  [Boba Fett binds Luke Skywalker with ropes, but then is knocked down. Luke escapes and jumps to another skiff, fighting the guards there.

  LANDO

  Han! Chewie! Can ye hear me?

  HAN

  —Lando!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  [Boba Fett stands up and takes aim at Luke.

  FETT

  I have thee in my sights now, Jedi. Thou shalt

  feel the pow’r of my rockets, and be no more.

  CHEWBAC.

  Egh!

  HAN

  —Boba Fett? What Boba Fett, and where?

  [Han Solo moves and activates Boba Fett’s jets, sending him flying into the pit.

  FETT

  Alas! The greatest Fett shall not die like this!

  O horrid Fate! Where is now my great reward?

  [Boba Fett falls into pit and dies.

  JABBA

  Nuh oola koobah!

  LEIA

  —Those shall be thy words

  Most final! Now, the chains that bind me to

  This wretched lump of flesh shall be my hope!

  Whilst Jabba worries o’er the battle, I

  Shall throw the chains about his neck. Then, pull!

  Aye, pull—a princess’ vengeance! Die, thou brute!

  Thou unsuspecting Hutt, I curse thy life!

  For all the innocent whoe’er did die,

  For all the noble souls thou didst torment,

  For all the gentle lives that are no more,

  For all the galaxy’s injustice—die!

  [Princess Leia strangles Jabba of the Hutt. He dies.

  HAN

  Good Lando, thou didst turn thy back on me,

  But thou shalt have a chance to earn thy due

  Since Luke and Chewie tell me of thy shame.

  Chewbacca, lift me down that I may save

  Him from a thousand years of pain.

  LUKE

  —Brave Han

  Attempts to rescue Lando, but the gun

  From on the barge doth block his progress. Fie!

  No rest from trouble have we here—these foes

  Will not let us escape without a fight.

  They do intend to block us all the way—

  Then to the barge, to aid the rescue. Fly!

  [Luke jumps onto Jabba’s barge.

  HAN

  Pray, grasp the staff!

  LANDO

  —I almost have it!

  CHEWBAC.

  —Auugh!

  LANDO

  Alack! The sarlacc’s tentacle wraps ’round

  My leg. I fear this is the end! O give